Bullying: And everyone looks the other way

«Hello Tobias, have you had any calls?» Everyone laughs. «It was you guys. About a hundred people called us!» Tobias swallows. He realises that Silvan, Fabian and Thomas have played a trick on him again. At the trade fair that the three of them had visited on Saturday, there was an opportunity to place a newspaper advert for free.

Fabian said to his friends: «Come on, let's look up Tobias' phone number in the phone book and write in that he has a free Nintendo console to give away.» A funny prank? Or already bullying?

In this case, it was bullying. We often got into fights on the playground and occasionally got a bloody nose in the process - but I wouldn't call it bullying. Why am I labelling this seemingly harmless prank as bullying?

I do it because I know the background, because - as much as I am ashamed of it - I have changed all the names in this example except my own.

It was bullying because we were constantly playing such pranks on Tobias. Because we rolled our eyes when he stretched out so diligently and snapped his fingers, because half the class groaned when he gave one of his «nine times clever» answers.

It was bullying because there were a lot of us and Tobias was alone. It was bullying because he was always the victim, because we signalled to him clearly and repeatedly: We don't like you! And we won't leave you alone, no matter what you do!

It was bullying because Tobias had never done anything to us - and because he had no way of avoiding us, defending himself or adapting. We deduced reasons from everything he did to continue putting him down.

We managed - and I think this is the worst thing about bullying - to get the adults on our side. To suggest to them that our actions were justified and that this boy didn't deserve it any other way.

During my entire time at primary school, not once did a parent or teacher take a clear stance against our actions. In year three, Tobias' mum came round three times to talk to our teacher. He then had a conversation with us each time.

I remember that he showed us a lot of understanding, agreed that this boy was difficult and that he could understand why we sometimes reacted the way we did. And that our pranks hadn't been that bad, of course, that this boy was simply very sensitive. But we should please stop it, this mum was always coming to school.

The message was clear: Tobias actually deserved it, but we should do it in a way that disturbed the teacher less. At some point, the mum stopped coming. She had given up. Tobias was now all alone.

«That's what we used to do!»

How could my friends and I be so mean? We weren't «bad» children. We weren't badly brought up either. We didn't lack empathy, self-esteem or self-confidence.

We felt comfortable in the class and were socially competent enough to present our actions in such a way that parents laughed along when we told them about pranks and the teacher found Tobias' mum annoying and turned her away.

I often hear similar stories, even though many schools today are highly sensitised to the issue of bullying. You might be thinking: «We used to do that too.» Yes, we did. I did too. And it was mean and wrong!

It causes individual children to suffer, lose their self-confidence and self-esteem and, in worse cases, carry these experiences with them throughout their lives, develop a mental disorder and sometimes even take their own lives.

It was bullying because Tobias had never done anything to us and couldn't defend himself.

We can only prevent bullying if we all - teachers, parents and children - start to take responsibility. In this dossier, we would like to explain the mechanisms at work in bullying, what prevents us from taking responsibility - and how we can free ourselves from helplessness.

There is hardly a child who does not come into contact with bullying during their time at school. As a mum, dad or teacher, you usually don't notice much of this.

Even when children are massively bullied, marginalised, beaten up and beaten down by others, many parents and teachers fail to recognise the problem.

A child is bullied in almost every class. For you as a parent, this means that your child is probably also involved in some way.

It will take on one of six roles that Heike Blum and Detlef Beck describe in their book «No Blame Approach» : The bullying actions originate from the actors. They gain recognition through their actions and secure a strong position in the classroom.

They earn laughs for their pranks and create excitement and action in the classroom. The assistants and amplifiers jump on the bandwagon.

The assistants provide active support by implementing ideas or joining in. The amplifiers do not participate directly, but clearly signal to the actors that they are on their side and approve of the bullying. The spectators stay out of it, usually out of fear of becoming victims themselves.

Finally, there are the defenders who initially try to protect the child being bullied. If they do not receive any support from other children or adults, they often become the victims who feel that the bullying is wrong but no longer defend themselves against it. The person being bullied is humiliated, degraded and mistreated.

Bullying arises from a group dynamic in which children take on certain roles over time. It can therefore only be solved if this dynamic is broken. Anyone who thinks that it's just a dispute between «perpetrator» and «victim» is overlooking the real problem and starting at the wrong point.

A conflict or argument between children usually arises from a specific situation. In most cases, both parties suffer and are happy when the dispute can be resolved.

A bullying situation, on the other hand, often develops gradually and picks up speed slowly. In most cases, all parties involved do not realise what is actually happening for a long time. They slowly find their way into their role and get used to the fact that the nastiness increases in frequency and intensity.

The reactions of the child concerned are used as justification for further actions. The extent of the bullied child's suffering is not recognised and their own part in it is suppressed.

Something that always comes up in connection with bullying is the word «only». We only have My child only has - ... they are only children.

The full extent only becomes clear if you replace «only» with «and»: We hid his shoes and we laughed at him when he gave the wrong answer and excluded him from football and told him that he stinks and «sanitised» the chair he was sitting on and - through all of this - made him understand that we despise him. It's as if a monster has been summoned from within the group that no one can tame on their own.

In contrast to a conflict, bullying aims to put another person down, to poison their life. It is a group phenomenon characterised by an extreme imbalance of power.

The person affected is repeatedly and systematically tormented, humiliated, excluded and attacked by a group without having the opportunity to free themselves from their situation.

The bullied child begins to change in this situation. Some withdraw, become quiet, anxious and apathetic. Others become aggressive, develop a «thin skin» and explode. The child begins to appear «strange», seeming to attract the bullying through their behaviour.

In this situation, the child absolutely needs outside help. It needs adults who want to see and recognise what is going on, take a clear stand against the bullying, know what they are doing and develop a solution together with the children. Unfavourable attitudes, fears, insecurities and ignorance prevent adults from doing this.

He's not entirely innocent either...

There is a good chance that you will recognise yourself in some of the sentences we will describe below. In this case, it takes courage and openness to take a critical look at your own views.

I will not go easy on you and trust that you will be honest with yourself. We can only counter bullying if we recognise how we ourselves contribute to it.

This is not about guilt, but about the responsibility that we adults have to take in order not to unconsciously participate in bullying.

It may be that the child in question attracts the anger of other children through their behaviour. Perhaps it is particularly ambitious, dresses differently to others, has a peculiar way of expressing itself or cannot correctly categorise social signals.

It would not be a problem if parents and teachers came to the conclusion that, following an intervention in the classroom, the child concerned should also be helped to behave differently to some extent.

It should be clear that the child can only try out a new behaviour if it has a safe space to do so and the class accepts the new behaviour positively. In many cases, the apparently problematic behaviour of the bullied child is merely a reaction to the bullying.

«You just have to fight back!»

Sentences like «He's not entirely innocent» or «She's also provocative» are so wrong because they often serve as a justification for not having to take action.

The message behind this is that the victim just needs to «work on themselves» and behave differently and the bullying will stop.

In this case, the teacher or parent is usually unconsciously signalling the following attitude: «The child being bullied is to blame. They deserve to be bullied as a just punishment and should not expect any help from me.»

With this attitude, the child is left alone in a situation that it could only overcome with determined help from outside.

Sometimes bullied children adopt this attitude and begin to believe that they have it coming to them and must accept bullying as their fate. Parents of children who are bullied often react with suggestions that sound like accusations:

• «You just have to fight back!»
• «Why didn't you tell the teacher?»
• «Why don't you just smack him, then he'll stop!»

Behind such statements are completely naïve convictions - for example, that every bully is basically a coward and will stop immediately if you fight back.

In fact, if a bullying situation has developed, a child has few options. If it seeks help, it is considered a tattletale, if it runs away, if it is a coward, if it tries to adapt and be friendly, if it is a suck-up, and if it fights back, it is considered «fully aggro».

It is not helpful if this child also has to experience that their own parents perceive them as weaklings and cannot understand their situation. If the child's feelings are also denied at home, it becomes isolated within its own family.

Some children are ashamed that they cannot implement their parents' suggestions and subsequently hide the bullying.

«That's no reason to strike right away!»

Some children react aggressively to bullying. It is easy for skilful actors to exploit this and subtly pick at the child's sore spots until they explode and fight back. The teacher often only sees this violent reaction.

If the child, who has been bullied for weeks, finally strikes, he or she has done something that the teacher feels must be punished.

Explanations from the affected child are then often dismissed with the phrase «You just have to defend yourself with words» or «That's no reason to hit them straight away».

To be honest, it's a pretty good reason to strike - especially when nobody is listening, looking and recognising what's really going on.

Some parents and teachers don't react because they are afraid of making the situation even worse. Parents often fear being seen as a pain in the arse. Teachers feel unsure about how to address the issue.

The philosopher Paul Watzlawick once said: «You can't not communicate.» This is especially true in the case of bullying. Not reacting is a clear signal to those involved and the entire class that bullying is tolerated and that the school offers no protection.

One mum actually told me that the school management shirked responsibility for her child, who was being bullied on a daily basis, with the following sentence: «The way to school is not our responsibility.»

It's like saying to the pupils: «Look, the school grounds end at this line. If you want to torture someone, please do it outside this line. Then we don't have to worry about it.»

Another mother, whose child was regularly beaten up by two other boys, said that she had already spoken to the teacher twice and nothing had happened. When I asked what she was going to do next, the mother said: «I've already tried everything - and he still has to go to school.»

Why do we put up with something with children that we wouldn't leave an adult to deal with alone? Imagine your partner is regularly beaten up at work by two big, strong colleagues and comes home with bruises and you say: «Unfortunately, there's not much I can do - I've already spoken to your boss and we need the money.»

We have to stop asking the question of guilt and take our children seriously!

Experts who specialise in bullying unanimously advise against contacting the parents of those involved. This usually makes the bullied child's situation worse.

Many parents cannot imagine that their little sunshine is capable of perfidious acts and indignantly reject the very idea or automatically blame the «victim».

Even well-behaved, likeable children from sheltered homes can become part of this group dynamic. It doesn't make your child a bad person if you look at them, talk to them about bullying and consider with them how they can leave this role.

Rather, it makes you a responsible parent. Some parents would like their child to be unwavering and self-confident about their individuality. They almost desperately try to instil power phrases like:

• «I'm not in this world to be the way others would like me to be.»
• «They're just jealous.»
• «I don't care what they think of me.»
• «Let them talk.»

Children spend half their lives at school. How they feel in class and whether they feel accepted there largely determines how comfortable they feel and what value they attribute to themselves as people.

Clichés and recipes that work for adults, who can choose their own caregivers, do not work for children. The need to belong is part of our existence. A child cannot simply stifle this with superficial slogans.

So what is the conclusion?

If we want to take effective action against bullying, we have to stop asking the question of guilt. This obscures our view of the problem and leads us to justify ourselves and shift responsibility.

We must:

• Take children seriously and do not trivialise incidents;
• learn to recognise bullying and distinguish it from conflicts or disputes;
• Take a clear stance in favour of every child having the right to feel safe and comfortable at school;
• develop an awareness that bullying is a group phenomenon and must therefore also be resolved at group level;
• Develop solutions together with the children without judging anyone.

We address these points in the dossier in the September issue of the Swiss parents' magazine Fritz+Fränzi. We also want to address many points here on the parents' magazine website this week. Among other things, you will learn about the «No Blame Approach» programme, which you as a teacher can use to resolve a bullying situation. You will read about the experiences of a primary school teacher with bullying in everyday school life. You will learn what you should and should not do as a parent if your child is involved in a bullying situation.

Who can I contact?

As bullying is a group phenomenon, it should also be resolved within the group. The school is therefore the point of contact.

The following people can support you:

• Teacher
• School management
• School social worker
• School psychologist
• School care

School social workers usually know best how to deal with bullying. The teacher and the school social worker are therefore usually the first people who should be informed. Prepare the conversation well.

Describe what you want from the school and ask what the school will do. Have the first conversation without your child. Involve other people if the situation does not improve.