Breaking off contact: «Children owe their parents nothing»
Mrs Bleisch, why is the loss of contact between children and parents such a sensitive issue?
One of the hallmarks of personal relationships, for example in families or couples, is trust. Breaking off contact is therefore always a breach of trust. It may or may not be justified - no one takes it lightly, especially not in families.
The parent-child relationship is particularly intense.
Yes, it is something unique and irreplaceable. You can break off the contact, but not the bond, because someone always remains the child of their parents or the father or mother of their child.
Contact is often broken off abruptly and unexpectedly.
The relationship with the parents shapes the child's identity so strongly that it can never «overcome» its parents. And the parents have usually invested a great deal of care, time and money in this relationship. It is therefore something particularly precious for both sides.
For both parents and child, the injuries take centre stage.
Breaking off contact between parents and children is particularly «costly». Vulnerability is high on both sides and there is a void in life for both. In addition, the loss of contact is usually abrupt and unexpected. Especially today, when many things are done via electronic media, this is relatively easy to do.
What do you think is important in the relationship between parents and children?
In my view, the mere fact that someone is their parents' child does not imply an obligation to maintain contact forever. If parents treat their child badly or restrict it so much in its development that it cannot become independent, the child has no obligation to continue the contact.
The normative force that binds us should be mutual love - and not the feeling of owing the other person something.
Why?
Close relationships in families are not something to be taken for granted, they also need to be nurtured. Respect and mutual exchange are very important. However, the normative force that binds us should be mutual love - and not the feeling of owing the other person something.
What ethical quality of behaviour do you consider important in families?
We are always obliged to respect our counterpart, to show consideration for their feelings and not to wilfully harm them. This is a commandment of humanity. We should never carelessly disregard the needs and expectations of others or wilfully hurt them.
What advice would you give to parents and children?
As they grow up, children have to break free from their dependence on their parents. If parents do not allow this, children sometimes have no other option but to break off contact. If children decide to take this step, they should at least have considered the reasons carefully. And in my view, parents have a legitimate interest in finding out these reasons, ideally in a personal conversation.
What should parents pay particular attention to?
Parents should realise that no child breaks off contact lightly. This often develops over a longer period of time. Parents should therefore also be prepared to critically rethink their own behaviour. In the best-case scenario, a new beginning can be made one day.
