Being a parent means never not being a father or mother again
It's actually crazy: being a parent is the only job you're allowed to do without prior knowledge. Driving a car? Swimming in a deep pool? Open heart surgery? - All only allowed after passing a skills test. Parenting, on the other hand? Go ahead, just go for it!
Yet it is a highly complex, multi-layered task. Above all, a lifelong one: Because you are never not a father or mother again. There will be a connection between you and your child for the rest of your life. Of course, the fact that you can do this job completely unprepared also has a positive side. If you knew what you were letting yourself in for, you would at best thankfully decline.
The only thing that helps is realising that making mistakes is part of life. And that you can't lose your sense of humour.
The coat that you put on when you have children and never take off again is made of an unknown material, a mixture of love and lead. Overnight you have to take responsibility. For another person. But also for yourself. You have to take control of your own life. And taking it is no longer an option, because suddenly you're holding someone else's life in your hands.
This leads to extreme feelings of closeness, but also to feelings of being overwhelmed and lonely. Because you instinctively feel that you will do a lot of things wrong towards your children. The only thing that helps, in my almost twenty years of experience of having children, is the realisation that making mistakes is part of life. And that you can't lose your sense of humour. The trick is to do your best and not take yourself too seriously. After all, life is neither about being the best parents nor the best children, but as parents we can at least try to practise what ideally defines us as human beings: being there for someone else.
With children, as in life, it's not about realising your dreams, but finding the easy in the difficult.
Being a parent means saying goodbye to idealised ideas. Let's not kid ourselves, we all have images in our heads of what a happy family is like. For me, it was the idea of a kind of Bullerbü childhood: my children were supposed to grow up carefree and self-determined in Scandinavia. Things turned out differently. Of course, there are days when being a parent feels shimmering and easy. But there are also days that weigh heavier. I had imagined many things differently. But I believe that with children, as in life, it's not about realising your dreams, but finding the easy in the hard.
Being a parent means experiencing the radical nature of the moment, because many situations feel like they last forever. The child can 't fall asleep? It will seem like it won't go back to sleep for the rest of its life. The child doesn't eat vegetables? He will never eat vegetables again! Having trouble at school? They won't graduate!
My children should know that they have done one thing in life extremely right: They have made my wife and I happy.
As a parent, you live in the moment as much as possible. This is generally regarded as something worth striving for, but it can also be gruelling if the moment you are living in is lengthy, exhausting or even transgressive. However, this radical nature of the moment is accompanied by a radical nature of change. If I could, I would shout to my younger self: Nothing stays the same. Everything changes. Everything passes. The good unfortunately, the bad fortunately.
Being a parent also means asking yourself from time to time whether you have done anything right in your life. I recently found an answer to this question in a novel. In essence, it says that I myself will never know whether what I did was right. But my children should know that they have done something extremely right in life one way or another: They have made my wife and I happy. So happy that I almost think it's the only reason I exist. Just knowing that it is possible to be so happy is worth something, even if the feeling isn't always there.
This is the last column I'll be writing for Fritz+Fränzi. My children are grown up now, I can no longer teach them anything, I can only watch them and marvel at how they, who I have always worried about so much, are coping with life so much better than me.
I would like to thank you, dear reader, for accompanying me on my journey through parenthood. I was pleased with every reaction, even the critical ones, but above all the approving ones, because they gave me the feeling that I am not alone, that others also find it difficult, but that others also feel this irrepressible joy that only children can trigger in you.
