Being a father - a conclusion
Helpless and clueless. That's how I felt when I was allowed into the next room to see my daughter, who the doctors had just cut out of her mum's stomach. There I stood, watching the little creature being weighed and wrapped, and I had no idea. I didn't know how to touch her. I didn't know where to look, I didn't know what to think.
Today she is two and a half and I am no longer quite so overwhelmed. And yet the little one and her half-brother (12) keep putting me in situations where I'm perplexed and bewildered, thinking: «Really now?», or: «What now?».
It was perhaps the most disheartening thing that the big age difference between my children taught me: No matter how old they are, it will always be difficult, always complicated, always exhausting. The problems shift, not sleeping through the night is replaced by not wanting to get out of bed, the fussiness at 2 is replaced by the fussiness at 10.
«Children keep us mentally fit.»
Children challenge us, whether they want to or not. They force us to leave our comfort zone, make mistakes and learn. To put it positively: they keep us mentally fit. On the negative side, they drain our energy.
Have the children made me a better or at least a different person, as I was predicted to be?
My wife says yes. She thinks I've become more mature, more relaxed and happier. I'm no longer so much in search of fulfilment at work because my daughter has given me a purpose in life. I'm more understanding, she says, and more resilient, more efficient. I could multitask and prioritise better. I almost inevitably have to agree with that.
In fact, I now feel better equipped to deal with situations that would have made me nervous in the past. However, I am convinced that the children have not changed my character: I think I was already a very thoughtful, responsible and patient person before - it's just that nobody put that to the test back then. Not even my lifestyle has changed that much; I've always preferred to be at home.
«I see my parents with different eyes now.»
I see my own parents differently now that I am a father myself, more unenlightened, more de-romanticised. They too must have often been clueless, overwhelmed and annoyed; as a child, however, I always saw them as confident and almost time-honoured.
Somehow I doubt that my children will think the same of me. I hope they perceive me as authentic, because that's the most important thing to me. Anyone who presents themselves as they are has already done a lot of things right - that's what I take away from all the parenting guides.
What good is a good strategy if it is half-heartedly pursued?
I sound out ad hoc what is right for me and listen to my brain, heart and gut feeling. If Jesper Juul says the same thing - fine. If he disagrees - let him.
Of course it's scary when you think about all the things you can do wrong in parenting and the consequences this can have for your whole life. But make me crazy about it? No thanks. A child is neither a project nor a saviour for me, and even as a father I haven't stopped being a human being a priori.
There are some things I didn't expect. For example, that you can get so angry at your own flesh and blood. Even more so with others. Part of the lifelong learning process is probably realising that your own children don't have to have anything in common with you.
I see having children as a rollercoaster in many ways: you don't know what's coming, but it's guaranteed to get your pulse racing. It remains a mixture of tension and joyful anticipation, fear and happiness. At some point you drive out of the tunnel, are relieved and shout: again!
To the author:
Read more about fatherhood:
- What does current fatherhood research say ? How to be a good father?
- Single parenthood: a father tells
- To the large online dossier on fathers