«Before I completely freak out, I withdraw»
I tell
«The other day, my daughter said "Chill, bitch!» to me in an argument. That was violent! I don't know if it just slipped out because it's a common expression in her circle of friends. Or maybe she was deliberately trying to provoke me because she was angry with me. Of course I was very offended! But I didn't say anything back. It doesn't help at all if I hand over control to my offended self in a situation like this.
The trigger was one of our constant irritants: I had forbidden Alva to be out and about until 11pm. It was about one evening during the week, the next morning was a normal school day. A 13-year-old shouldn't be partying there, that's non-negotiable for me. The fact that many of her friends are still out until midnight doesn't make such a discussion any easier.
I remember that my mum didn't get on with me as a teenager and simply didn't discuss or talk to me at all. That really hurt me. I don't want that for Alva and me.
Our disputes are also fuelled by the fact that I'm often pretty tired. I have to get through all these fights alone, Alva's father stays completely out of parenting issues. What's more, my work demands a lot of overtime and I have little time for myself. On top of that, I have to worry about our livelihood. This attitude to life is in stark contrast to a teenager's sense of freedom. «I can do this. This is what I want. I'm already grown up.» These sentences come up all the time. I have to pull myself together not to react loudly and angrily.
When I sense that I'm about to snap, I consciously withdraw from the argument and distance myself. I explain that we need a short break and go for a short walk in the fresh air, for example. But I've also locked myself in the bathroom to slow myself down and not say or do anything that I might regret later.
During these breaks from arguing, I try to weigh up Alva's perspective and her needs. I then offer compromises and allow her to stay out until 9 pm, for example. She can then decide whether to accept this or not go at all. I can't reach a teenager with mere prohibitions and derogatory judgements such as «You have no idea» or «How can you be so selfish». Then Alva does things behind my back."
Online dossier
Read more about parenting without scolding:
- Parenting without scolding: Do I always have to be loud?
It's part of everyday life in most families: parents scold their children, sometimes more, sometimes less violently. This is usually triggered by stress and excessive demands. But boundaries and rules cannot be enforced by shouting at them, say parenting experts. And too many tantrums damage the child's development in the long term. Parenting without scolding - how does it work? - «The anger at my ex-husband sometimes spills over onto the children»
Susanna*, 43, lives with her sons Marco, 12, and Dominik, 9, near Chur. The teacher divorced the father of the two boys two years ago. - «My outbursts of anger had a lot to do with my childhood»
Dominique Eichenberger lives near Bern with her husband Jan and their two children Yannick, 5, and Sophie, 3. Two years ago, the 30-year-old nurse started family counselling because she felt that she was too often loud and rough when bringing up Yannick. Her husband also sought counselling. - «Punishments don't change behaviour»
Lisa Briner and Noé Roy are both 28 years old. The accountant and product manager live in Bern with their daughters Amélie, 4, and Inès, 2. They became parents at a young age and knew that they didn't want to adopt the authoritarian parenting style of their own homes.