Avoiding punishments: 3 examples from everyday life with children
Time: 3 min
Avoiding punishments: 3 examples from everyday life with children
How do you teach rules of behaviour without punishment? Three typical crisis situations from everyday parenting and how to deal with them.
Text: Julia Meyer-Hermann
Image: Adobe Stock
Situation 1: The children run around the house and throw a table with all sorts of things on it
Express your annoyance. Make it clear what you expect: «This is making me really angry. I know you didn't do this on purpose, but it's not okay with me. I want us to clean it up together now.» When the children are older: «I want you to clean it up right now.»
Don't impose sanctions out of anger and say something like: «That's enough now. There's no TV for you today. Off to your room.»
Situation 2: Your own child kicks another child in the stomach in the playground
Intervene quickly. Say that this behaviour is absolutely not okay. «Stop. You're hurting the other child.» Apologise to the victim on their behalf. «I am sorry. Can I do something for you?» Clarify with your own child what has just happened in this situation: «I think you were really angry. What happened there? What could you do next time you're that angry?»
Do not pull your child away angrily, do not impose a time-out or grounding. The child will then focus on the anger towards the adult who has imposed a punishment.
Situation 3: My child doesn't want to eat vegetables
If your child grows up in a healthy eating environment, there is no need to force them to eat. Show your child every day that you as parents eat vegetables and salad. Don't just present vegetables in steamed form. Try a trick from celebrity chef Jamie Oliver: he grated the vegetables very finely for his children, mixed them into the pasta sauce and sprinkled plenty of Parmesan over the whole thing.
Don't force your child to try or even finish their plate. Never cancel dessert if not all the vegetables have been eaten. This will result in your child soon liking vegetables even less.
Our book tips:
Alfie Kohn: Love and Autonomy. The art of unconditional parenting, beyond reward and punishment.Arbor 2010, 298 pages, approx. 30 Fr. In this book, Alfie Kohn questions common educational methods and backs up his theses with a number of scientific studies. He argues why not only punishments but also rewards must be banned from education: Kohn considers them useless and harmful because they undermine the relationship between parents and children.
Katharina Saalfrank: Childhood without punishments. New appreciative ways for parents who want to do things differently. Beltz 2017, 264 pages, approx. 26 Fr.What alternatives are there to timeouts, bans on mobile phones and computers, and if-then sentences? In this book, educationalist Katharina Saalfrank describes why dealing with children based on attachment and appreciation makes punishments superfluous and shows alternative courses of action.
Jesper Juul:Boundaries, closeness, respect. On the way to a competent parent-child relationship.Rowohlt Tb 2009, 96 pages, approx. 15 Fr. Jesper Juul's concept of the «equal» family became internationally recognised through his pedagogical bestseller «The Competent Child». In this book, Juul focusses on the sources of conflict in family dynamics and how to deal with them sensibly.
Aletha J. Solter:Kooperative und kompetente Kinder - Erziehung ohne Strafe oder Belohnung.Kiener 2021, 256 pages, approx. 41 Fr. (published in June) In this new book, developmental psychologist Aletha Solter provides parents with instructions on how to develop a cooperative relationship with their children. She explains how children can be brought up to be self-confident and compassionate people without praise or blame. She deals with practical topics such as «Tears and tantrums», «Food and discomfort» and «Fears and anxiety» in a way that is easy to understand.
Julia Meyer-Hermann
lives in Hanover with her daughter and son. She specialises in science and psychology topics.
This text was originally published in German and was automatically translated using artificial intelligence. Please let us know if the text is incorrect or misleading: feedback@fritzundfraenzi.ch
