«At night my son walks, during the day he sleeps»

Father: Hello, I would like to remain anonymous. I am the father of a son who will soon be 18 years old. I feel helpless.

Consultant: Hello. You say that you feel helpless. What makes you feel helpless?

Father: My son completed his two-year apprenticeship in August last year. The training company was unable to take him on. He has been at home since then. At night he gambles and during the day he sleeps. It's almost unbearable. My wife and I don't know what to do. Our son dominates our everyday family life. It was difficult for me to contact the parent helpline.

Counsellor: I think it's commendable that you called, and I can well understand that the situation is very stressful.

I feel anger and despair. What gives my son the right to behave like this?

Father

Father: Because he will soon be of age, many support services will probably no longer be available. We keep hearing: «Why don't you put him outside so that he learns to take responsibility?» We can't bring ourselves to send our child out onto the street. What can we do to get our son to change his behaviour?

Counsellor: What feelings come up for you when you talk about your son?

Father: Anger and despair. What gives him the right to behave like this? I feel at his mercy. I'm on the verge of crying right now.

Counsellor: Your feelings are allowed to be. You can't switch them off. It's good that they come forward.

Father: It helps to hear this from you. My strong feelings scare me. It's about my son, who I love and want to be there for. His behaviour creates an emotional distance that I don't want.

Counsellor: I can understand that these feelings are scary. It can be helpful if you are not completely at their mercy and manage to gain some control over them. Especially in escalating situations.

You can try to refocus your attention. Aren't there moments with your son that are good?

Parental emergency call counsellor

Father: We parents have tried so many things. We've made him offers, researched jobs for him, asked him what he needs and what could help him. He reacts annoyed and dismissive. He withdraws into his room. I have the feeling that his behaviour is getting worse and worse and we as parents are becoming increasingly helpless. We have encouraged him to seek therapeutic help. He refuses it. And we can't make an appointment for him. When I talk to you about it, I feel this helplessness again.

Counsellor: The feeling of being at the mercy of others and having no choice also comes up now when we talk to each other?

Father: Yes, exactly.

Advisor: I would like to make a distinction between the strong feelings you are experiencing and your son's difficult behaviour, which cannot be changed immediately. Do you agree that we should look at your situation as a father in our conversation?

Father: Gladly!

Counsellor: If you manage to be more in touch with yourself in challenging situations, this can help to reduce inner pressure and calm your feelings. This gives you other choices and decision-making options. I'm not saying that this solves the problem. But if you can be with yourself again, you will feel less at the mercy of others, which can have a strengthening effect on you. You feel more active and no longer just react to situations with your son.

Father: That would be nice.

Counsellor: The repeated arguments and escalations with your son are very much at the forefront of your experience. The perception of positive moments with him fades into the background. It can help to see if you can refocus your attention on encounters with your son that are good.

It takes some perseverance until the first changes are possible.

Parental emergency call counsellor

Father: I have the feeling that I no longer have any good moments with my son. When I come home, I'm already expecting the next argument with him. It's as if we're trapped in a narrow pattern.

Counsellor: This is precisely when it makes sense to interrupt the pattern by being more in touch with yourself, being aware of your feelings and thus making an initial small interruption to the well-rehearsed interactions. This gap can already change something in your perception.

Father: That sounds interesting.

Advisor: It takes some perseverance before the first changes are possible. You can try to consciously refocus your attention. Focus it on situations and experiences with your son that are good and enjoyable. Aren't there still some?

Father: If I think about it more carefully, I can think of another positive situation, namely when we play chess together at the weekend. Then we are calm and focussed and can talk about good things. I can just feel my feelings for my son change a little at these words.

Counsellor: This is a first step. It can change your emotional attitude even in a challenging situation. And it reduces the emotional distance to your son somewhat.

Father: That feels good. But it hasn't changed my son's behaviour yet. I want him to actively organise his life and go to work.

Counsellor: You should stick to this claim and this attitude. The next step could be to look at what specific changes you would like your son to make. I think it can be helpful to look at the next steps with you in a counselling session at our office. If you wish, we can prepare the discussion you will have with your son at a later date together.

Father: Thank you very much for your suggestions and your proposal. I will think about it and discuss it with my wife. I will get in touch with you to arrange a consultation.

Consultant: Gladly. I wish you lots of strength and all the best.