As parents, how do we escape the offsetting trap?
When my exhaustion and frustration over all my never-ending, never-appreciated, never-fairly-recognised family work really started to get the better of me, I had THE idea: an Excel spreadsheet to list every minute exactly which of us was doing what. I hammered away at the keys and then slammed the list in front of my husband's nose. From now on, please fill it in every day!
It would put an objective end once and for all to our ongoing argument about which of us really did more at home, who had far too much on their plate and who always got the arse end of the stick.
The opposite was the case. Firstly, Romain thought my idea was completely wrong - of course, I argued, «you're about to be convicted with factual evidence!». Then he read the table and shouted indignantly: It couldn't be that «mowing the lawn» counted the same as «cutting roses». Or that «getting up at night for sick children» counted as much as «preparing a snack» - one was much more strenuous than the other, so the minutes had to be counted twice. At least.
Oh yes, I countered - and what about all the exhausting mental work involved in organising the family, which only I did anyway while he just worked through my «Honey, please do» lists. How exactly would we count the famous mental load minutes?
The recalculation was supposed to bring clarity - and brought the next huge row!
And then we were in the next big crash. And we realised that no matter how much we calculated, we just weren't getting anywhere. Verbal agreements, tables, lists, schedules - we had tried everything and nothing worked. All the usual tips on good family organisation didn't help either: we were already «delegating» as far as our family budget would allow. We'd been «harnessing children» for a long time. And although we had become much better at «just leaving things to one side» since having children, we didn't want to live in complete chaos either. So what now?
First of all: get our act together, throw my Excel spreadsheet in the bin, grab the dog lead instead and go for a long walk. We both realised that the issue of sharing tasks had become a sore point and our nerves were on edge. Over the next few weeks, we regularly took time out every Saturday morning, right after the family breakfast, to talk.
And we realised what really helped us:
1. sharing instead of getting upset! Before we could even move towards better solutions, there was so much that had built up ... In all our «Will you do our joint tax return if I take over your gardening duties in the meantime?» negotiations, with all the criticism of each other, all the planning, this had completely fallen by the wayside: exchanging ideas instead of arguing. Talking about yourself instead of blaming the other person. Listening calmly instead of pushing through patent solutions.
2. admitting burdens instead of overplaying them: Why did we actually feel so overloaded and constantly tense, when others managed it with ease, with even more children and even more intensive jobs? We had fallen for this killer argument for far too long. It stood in our way of recognising our own personal stresses as such. It was just too much for US. Full stop.
Which tasks stress you out and why?
It wasn't big changes, but lots of small ones that had added up: one child needed more support at school, my husband often came home late at night, I had taken on one too many projects, the dog had to go to the vet regularly for allergy injections. That was the last straw.
3. digging deeper instead of organising better: What annoyed us wasn't actually just our tasks. What I really missed was relaxed time that I could enjoy with the family without constantly thinking about the next to-do and handing it out to everyone. What Romain missed was the feeling of being able to organise his own family time without me suddenly imposing new tasks on him. What we both missed was the feeling of being appreciated by the other as a person and not just being used as a service robot. As soon as we started talking about our deeper feelings and needs, new paths opened up.
4. looking for «what feels subjectively ok» instead of objective justice: calculating minutes in order to allocate tasks - that simply doesn't work in everyday family life.
And it wouldn't even feel good because we perceive different tasks very differently: I enjoy cooking for everyone in the evening, Romain feels hungry, under time pressure and stressed. He finds it exciting to repair our bikes, I can't do much with it. We first had to find the courage to say clearly what we like to do and what stresses us out. When we both have the subjective feeling that we have found a balance between us and both have an acceptable mix of enjoyable and stressful tasks, things are going well.
They lived happily ever after?
It would be so nice if I could say that we discovered our royal road and everything suddenly became very easy and harmonious. For us, there was no such thing as «and they lived happily ever after». It remains an intense and exhausting time with the family.
But in some moments it feels easier. We dare to talk about what really burdens us and what we are missing, what we really need and what needs to be reorganised.
And yet: we have rediscovered a fundamental trust in each other: That our needs are important and are heard by the other person. That nothing is set in stone, that we are flexible in our search for solutions that work for us now. And that we can always manage this as a team.
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