One question we hear time and again as parents is: «How can you stand living so closely with two teenagers? Isn't it totally exhausting?» Sometimes there is a slightly pitying tone to this question. That's not surprising.
Anyone who reads my blog, «Das Glück reist mit» ( Happiness travels with us), knows that we spend more time with our two teenagers in everyday life than most other families. For almost six years now, we have been travelling in our motorhome for most of the year. That means spending time together in a small space.
Unfulfilled prophecies
Our two daughters have been teenagers for several years now. Since then, our family life has not become any more difficult. On the contrary, we enjoy travelling with teenagers just as much as we did with children. And even though their everyday lives are not average, they are completely «normal» teenagers. The unpleasant changes that were predicted for us have not materialised to date.
Notorious since ancient times
Scepticism towards young people is not a modern phenomenon. Even Aristotle described young people in his rhetoric as impulsive and more guided by their emotions. They do not enjoy the best reputation in our culture either. Mothers and fathers seem to need to be warned particularly explicitly about this phase of child development.
Even for our older daughter, the thought of becoming a teenager seemed abhorrent. When she was six years old, this strange species resembled, in her imagination, rowdy, angry louts: uncontrollable, loud and a little dangerous.
Teenagers experience emotions more intensely and are learning to regulate them.
My younger daughter also found it strange when, within earshot, I was told knowingly: «Enjoy the moment – once she's a teenager, she won't want to cuddle with you anymore.»
What prejudices do we have against teenagers, and what is actually behind them? I have examined five common clichés.
1. Teenagers are moody and unpredictable
Where does this stereotype originate?
The human brain undergoes major changes during puberty. The amygdala is particularly active during puberty. It is a small area of the brain that instantly assesses whether something is important or dangerous for us.
At the same time, the frontal lobe is not yet fully developed. This is responsible for rational decisions and impulse control. Teenagers actually feel emotions more intensely and are learning to regulate them.
At the same time, significant hormonal changes take place. Not only do sex hormones change, but the body's stress system also becomes more sensitive. Young people react more strongly to social evaluation, conflicts or rejection.
So is it true?
Teenagers' emotions can seem more extreme. They flare up quickly and often subside just as quickly. This does not mean that young people are irrational, and certainly not that they deliberately or maliciously expose those around them to the highs and lows of their emotional world.
Think of it more like the weather. When it rains outside, you don't curse the sky or take it personally. You open your umbrella and go about your daily business.
2. Teenagers are rebellious and oppositional
Where does this stereotype originate?
The process of separating from one's parents is part of human development. Young people want to find out who they are, independently of their parents. Contradiction is also used as a tool for identity formation. How can one develop one's own point of view without distancing oneself from existing positions? Testing boundaries and generating opposing opinions is part of this separation process.
Rebellion can be a test: will the relationship survive if I am different from you? If the answer is «yes», this strengthens the bond.
So is it true?
Some teenagers rebel loudly. But not every teenager behaves rebelliously. Some young people withdraw quietly, while others are very cooperative – puberty has many faces. Rebellion can be a test: will the relationship last if I am different from you? If the answer is «yes», this strengthens the bond.
3. Teenagers are lazy
Where does this stereotype originate?
During puberty, the circadian rhythm shifts . This internal «24-hour clock» in the body controls when we are awake, tired, hungry or productive. The sleep hormone melatonin is released later, which is why teenagers stay awake longer in the evening and need to sleep longer in the morning for biological reasons.
Many young people don't get tired until very late in the evening and find it difficult to get out of bed in the morning. This leads some adults to assume that young people have no desire to work, exert themselves or fulfil their duties.
So is it true?
Many teenagers simply do not get enough sleep – partly due to external factors such as starting school very early. The major physical changes they undergo are also exhausting. This takes energy and often leads to more passive phases. However, it would be unfair to describe this as laziness. Many young people are highly motivated, just not when it comes to schoolwork or tidying their rooms – another cliché, of course.
4. Teenagers only listen to their peers
Where does this stereotype originate?
During adolescence, peer groups, i.e. interaction with peers, become more important. This is a healthy step towards independence. Connecting with groups outside the family is important for identity formation. Feeling excluded is a painful experience for many teenagers, as it is for anyone else. It is avoided whenever possible.
So is it true?
Young people are not helpless victims of peer pressure. They are in the process of developing their own identity, which involves experimenting with belonging and differentiation. Ask your teenager what they find special about a particular clique. You are sure to get a coherent answer. Sometimes there may simply be no alternatives.
Even if young people do not always show it, parents remain important figures in their lives.
5. Teenagers want nothing to do with their parents
Where does this stereotype originate?
As already mentioned, detachment is a key developmental goal in this phase. Young people need distance in order to test their independence. Parents sometimes perceive this as rejection. In public and popular scientific discourse, particularly in the late 1990s, the view was sometimes expressed that parents had little influenceon their children's upbringing .Peers were said to be the most influential factor.
So is it true?
Even if young people don't always show it, parents remain very important figures in their lives. They listen, observe closely and seek advice – just in their own way and often with a time lag. Young people may interrupt a conversation («Yeah, yeah, okay...»), but later do exactly what was discussed at home.
Long-term studies from the USA prove that parental presence is a protective factor. Teenagers live safer and healthier lives when they enjoy a lot of freedom and self-determination, but their parents know, for example, who they are with and where they are.
Prejudices stick
Why do certain prejudices against teenagers persist so stubbornly? Is it because we are all too happy to spread them?
We know from educational research that teachers' expectations or perceptions of their pupils have an impact on their academic performance. This is particularly true when these expectations or perceptions are negative. The phenomenon of self-fulfilling prophecy can also be found in other social contexts.
Teenagers focus their energy on what is essential. This is a quality that we adults often lose sight of.
According to social psychological research , there is, for example, the so-called «Andorra effect». This comes into play when people gradually adopt characteristics and expectations that are assigned to them by others. Even if these original attributions are incorrect.
Last but not least, the «stereotype threat» also affects young people. Stereotypical images of a particular group threaten their spontaneity. Performance suffers when members of a group are aware of negative social expectations. For example: «Girls are worse at maths» or «Migrant children don't get as far».
Time to change our image of teenagers
Could it be that some of the negative expectations we have of young people become a self-fulfilling prophecy? Would it be beneficial to free young people from certain social stereotypes? A positive attitude could possibly already make a big difference.
So here's the good news for parents-to-be of teenagers: there's a lot to look forward to. Focus on the positive qualities of this exciting phase of life. Young people feel things deeply, quickly and intensely – and that's just one of their many strengths.
This openness forms the basis for empathy, creativity and moral awareness. Teenagers often focus their energy on the essentials – what makes sense to them and feels right. This is a valuable trait that we sometimes lose in adult life.
Finally, I would like to share with you the words of my older daughter after I read this text to her: «Teenagers do not suddenly become a different species that parents need to fear. We are still your children and do not need special treatment just because our bodies are changing.»
