Allow aggression and negative feelings
For me, aggression is not a negative emotion. I don't know how they came to be turned into negative feelings. They are signals that something is going on - what would we do without them?
Many parents are very keen to prevent conflicts between children. Even in kindergarten, rules are often set up to prohibit children from fighting or arguing. I think that in families, kindergartens, but also in many therapies and alternative movements such as the eco-scene, only so-called «feminine» values have won the day, and there is nothing wrong with that - but they leave children too little room to develop. It's not a good idea to stop aggression: You're trying to get rid of a symptom instead of asking what's behind it.
Most children are capable of dealing with their conflicts independently; they do not need adult supervision.
All conflicts that are important are brought out in an aggressive tone. We must first express our anger, frustration and rage in order to be able to transform them - we need these emotions just as much as we need happiness and contentment in order to digest reality.
You can observe this in every romantic relationship: A couple can only talk sensibly about a conflict after they have acted it out several times in a completely irrational way. Many women today do something that used to be done to keep their great-grandmothers and grandmothers down - and they don't even realise it.
Problematic handling of feelings
The first psychiatric diagnosis was hysteria: women in whom so many emotions arose all at once that they overreacted out of sheer inner pressure were immediately labelled as hysterics, i.e. people who could no longer be taken seriously. This is how wives and daughters were kept down by their husbands and fathers for decades: «If we can't talk about it calmly, there's no point in having a conversation!»
Today, women uphold the very values with which they have been subtly oppressed - let them talk peacefully and calmly and gently. They expect this from their husbands, children and grandchildren - and that is shocking to me! A Norwegian director once had a wonderful idea for a documentary film. He travelled around the country interviewing children: How do you experience the exercise of power by adults? He then asked me to watch these interviews and comment on them.
A kindergarten girl gets to the heart of the matter
I remember a five-year-old girl. When asked: «What is the worst thing for you that adults decide to do in kindergarten?», the girl replied, after thinking for a while: «The worst thing is that they don't allow us to be angry.» The interviewer was very surprised by the answer and followed up: «But is that really true, are you not allowed to be angry?» The girl thought again for a long time: «Yes. But if I have a reason, I want to be angry!»
Parents! Don't belittle your children just because they have aggression. Teach them how to deal with it.
The interviewer thought he had finished, but the cameraman didn't move the camera away because he had the impression that the girl wanted to say something else. And after thirteen seconds, the girl actually added something crucial: «And the adults decide whether my reason is good or not.»
If you as an adult try to forbid aggression, the children will co-operate with you for a while, but when they are 16 years old, it's over, then they explode. So this female attitude of not wanting to react aggressively can have devastating consequences. In other words, we need to balance it out, especially today, by consciously giving children the space to resolve their conflicts themselves.
A black eye is also necessary
In my generation, it used to be possible to spend a few hours in the woods or on the street with the neighbour's children without any adults around. Nobody supervised us. We had to come to terms with each other, define hierarchies, solve problems - and I think we managed quite well, even if we sometimes got a black eye. But that's also necessary in life. Of course, parents sometimes have to intervene in conflicts, such as when a sibling dispute looks like the younger one is in physical danger, for example because the older one is attacking him with a hammer.
I'm certainly not saying that adults shouldn't look after their children. What I want to tell adults is simply: don't belittle your children because they have aggression! Because that's one of the things they need to learn from you: how to deal with it. For example, you can't be angry with a little boy who is angry with his little sister. He's been busy with his Lego bricks for two hours and is concentrating hard on building a great, tall tower.
His little sister has been standing next to him for 15 minutes, watching curiously. She suddenly wants to join in too, but knocks the whole tower over in the process. Naturally, the boy is furious. His two hours of work have been in vain - she has ruined everything. Everything he has done is now worthless. Of course he's aggressive now!
Incorrect intervention by parents
The parents usually say the following to him in such a situation: «You have to understand your little sister. She didn't mean any harm!» But that's not a good idea. It would be better to tell him: «I can understand that you're angry with her - after all, that was a beautiful tower. But don't hit her for it. We both need to talk about how you can protect yourself from your sister in such cases and how I can help you. I'm sure she didn't mean to destroy your tower, but that's what happened!»
That would be a fruitful intervention. The little boy learns that he, like all of us, must learn to defend his boundaries. But telling him: «You're a big, sensible boy and you need to understand your little sister!» - that is unproductive!
Adults should always remember that children don't get smarter from what you tell them. You can lecture them all you want, it won't affect or impress them. They may even follow you to the letter, but they are still not convinced inside.
Leading by example instead of lecturing
You can only convince them through your actions. They learn more from you by observing you. For example, if you've just planted your spring flowers and a few minutes later your husband runs over them with the lawnmower, I hope you get angry. You have to get through that frustration, and you can't help but get loud, otherwise you'd have to expect yourself to be a superhuman. How could you look at him with a smile and say to him, «I forgive you!» when he's just flattened your flowers? Nobody is like that, except grandparents, who occasionally manage to remain calm and composed.
But only because they have spent a lifetime learning how to deal with aggression, conflicts and arguments. It took them 80 years, so you can't expect an eight-year-old boy to have this wisdom. He has to find his own way through it all. As adults, we always think we can spare children a certain amount of suffering by teaching them about the consequences of certain actions. But they have to make their own experiences.
Living life in order to understand it
For example, if your 18-year-old daughter has fallen madly in love with a 25-year-old man and you try to make her realise that he doesn't suit her - that will never work. On the contrary: the more you emphasise how unsuitable it all is, the more she will feel attracted to him. Because she has to draw her own conclusions from this encounter, not you for her.
It's terrible, but it's true: everyone has to live life in order to understand it. But parents and carers still try to protect children from life: The poor children should not hurt themselves, not be sad, not argue. Parents thus create an artificial paradise for children, which ultimately makes them unhappy because they become incapable of living.
