A separation fundamentally changes a child's world

The most important information

The good news first: there are happy children of divorce. However, many children experience separation as a negative experience. Even in the ambivalence phase, i.e. when one or both parents are no longer sure whether they want to hold on to the relationship, the children find themselves in a situation of uncertainty. The stress can manifest itself in a painful fear of abandonment.

Children react with depressive moods

Some children show psychological reactions during parental separation, such as

• Sleep disorders, abdominal pain and headaches
• Learning and concentration difficulties
• Lack of self-esteem and insecurity
• Feelings of guilt
• Eating disorders
• social withdrawal

How can parents react to their children's fear of abandonment? What helps the child to get through the parents' separation phase well? And: What makes a happy child of divorce? You can read the answers to these questions and specific options for parents in the full article.

A separation is a different experience for children than for adults. Children rarely experience a separation as an opportunity for a fresh start. Adults, on the other hand, expect positive changes and relief when family stability is restored. Separation is a voluntary decision on the part of at least one parent.

Even in the phase of ambivalence, i.e. when one or both parents are no longer sure whether they still want to hold on to the relationship, the children find themselves in a situation of uncertainty.

Be patient with the child's reactions.

It is therefore important to pay attention to the reactions of children and adolescents even before the actual separation proceedings. As many parents are involved in marital disputes during this phase, they are often unable to sufficiently recognise their children's need for security and protection, despite their good intentions. The resulting stress can manifest itself in a painful fear of abandonment.

The most important stress factors triggered by a separation can be described as follows: The separation is usually unexpected, very intense and fundamentally changes the child's world. The separation is an experience of loss and is accompanied by fears of abandonment.

The basic fear of abandonment develops when the child has sufficiently frequent and intense experiences that disregard and violate their needs. The feeling of abandonment arises above all when their need for closeness is violated. As a reaction to this, the child develops a basic fear of abandonment.

Children react with depressive moods

Children show psychological reactions particularly before and during parental separation. They react primarily with outwardly directed abnormalities such as anti-social and aggressive behaviour and inwardly directed abnormalities such as depressive moods. Other possible reactions in the child separation crisis are

• Schlafstörungen Bauch- und Kopfschmerzen Lern- und Konzentrationsschwierigkeiten
• Mangelndes Selbstwertgefühl und Unsicherheit
• Schuldgefühle
• Essstörungen
• Sozialer Rückzug

Behind these reactions is the fear of abandonment. This primarily manifests itself in the concrete fear of losing a parent. At the same time, there is the threat of a loss of identity. This is because the supposed loss of a loved one threatens to shatter the child's self-esteem.

How can parents respond to their children's fear of abandonment?

Children can reduce their fear of abandonment and at the same time restore their equilibrium if, on the one hand, they can build the strongest possible relationship with both parents. On the other hand, parental co-operation plays an important role. In this way, parents convey that their world will not change fundamentally. Concrete options for parents are as follows:

• Zeigen Sie viel Geduld und grosse Toleranz gegenüber den Reaktionen des Kindes.
• Geben Sie Ihrem Kind Anerkennung und Geborgenheit.
• Stellen Sie keine zu hohen Erwartungen an das Kind, was nicht heisst, ihm keine Grenzen mehr zu setzen. Nur auf Erziehung sollte vorübergehend verzichtet werden.
• Führen Sie viele Gespräche, auch wenn sie immer wieder um das gleiche Thema kreisen.
• Suchen Sie das Gespräch, vor allem immer dann, wenn die Gefühlslage des Kindes in Richtung Angst zeigt.
• Verurteilen Sie den anderen Elternteil nicht.

Parents should involve children right from the start, because they need age-appropriate information.

Additional options for the parent who has moved out:

•  Stellen Sie Verlässlichkeit und Stabilität in ihrer Beziehung zum Kind her. 
• Lassen Sie ihr Kind den Alltag erleben: Eigene Alltagsgegenstände wie Zahnbürste, Kleider, Spielsachen, Bücher haben einen festen Platz in der neuen Wohnung.
• Vermitteln Sie Sicherheit, indem das Kind beide Eltern weiterhin lieben darf.

It is often difficult for parents in a separation situation to take the children's wishes and needs into account. This makes it all the more important for the children to be able to talk to a mental health professional. It is an expression of appreciation that the children can form their own opinions about the separation and that their concerns are given space and time.

Parents should involve their children right from the start, as children need regular and age-appropriate information about family changes. After all, they are the ones most affected by their parents' different places of residence, for example. Older children in particular can already be involved in drawing up the plan for the division of care. This confirms to them that their wishes and needs are being taken seriously, and younger children can also have a say in the organisation of everyday life, so they feel more determined. However, they should not have to make any decisions.

Do children need to know that they are loved despite a separation?

Are there also happy children of divorce? Yes, they do exist! Children in separation conflict can have just as happy a childhood and adolescence as children whose parents are not divorcing. It is up to us adults to ensure that the children can grow up as normal children. To do this, they need love and support as well as the certainty that they will continue to be loved despite the separation and that both parents will always be there for them. In addition, the children need to be made aware that they are not the reason for the divorce. A good and warm relationship between the children and their parents can also minimise negative consequences.

Children in separation conflicts can have just as happy a childhood as other children.

«Children of separation and divorce need a social environment that provides them with security, in which they are relieved of the conflict of loyalty to their parents, in which they can express and live out their fears and hopes and in which they experience a strengthening of the self that helps them to overcome the experience of separation» (Moch, 1994).