«A child should be allowed to resolve conflicts themselves»

Mr Grolimund, we parents want our children to develop into socially competent people. How important is our role model function in this?

Children do what we do. Parents are therefore a model in many ways: children observe exactly how they behave towards them or their partner or how they deal with conflicts in the family. This is more formative for children than any rules set at home.

Children cannot calm down if you as a parent talk to them loudly, quickly and under stress.

In other words, as parents we can be aware of what is important to us and set an example of these points - such as empathy or treating others with respect. This doesn't have to be perfect, but parents should be aware of what they exemplify and how they behave in everyday interactions with their child.

The role model function also includes dealing with the child correctly in difficult situations such as tantrums. What do you recommend to mums and dads?

Especially when a child throws a tantrum, you often see parents modelling something other than what they say to the child. For example, when they shout at them with the words: «Now come down!» Children can't calm down when a parent talks to them loudly, quickly and under stress - they absorb this mood.

Two sentences that help: You're really angry right now. What has annoyed you so much?

With anger in particular, we can seize the opportunity and help the child to name and categorise the feeling: «You're really angry right now.» And then look behind the anger together: «What made you so angry?»

As a parent, I can show my boundaries and remain interested at the same time: «Stop calling me names - and now I'd like to know what's annoying you so much.»

For me, being a role model in this area means being able to allow the feeling of anger and dealing with it constructively. However, many of us have difficulties with this because we ourselves cannot allow our anger or are overwhelmed by our anger and then act destructively.

What can parents do if their child displays conspicuous social behaviour?

First, we should look at how the situation is contributing to the child's behaviour. Perhaps they are being bullied? Or is he or she experiencing one failure after another at school, is overwhelmed and constantly under pressure?

This requires good cooperation with the school and a great deal of understanding for the child in order to tackle the difficulties. We can also work on the child's skills. We can discuss a difficult situation afterwards and think together with the child about how they would like to react in a similar situation in the future.

What is the best way for parents to proceed?

If a parent receives feedback from the school that the child is not showing good social behaviour, breaking rules or being mean to other children, this can quickly come across as threatening. You may feel ashamed and react impulsively or aggressively by demanding that the child behave better immediately or simply scolding them.

However, it would be helpful to swallow this initial reaction and think for a moment before talking to the child. An example: In first grade, my son's teacher called me and said that he and his best friend had been mean to three other children.

What can my child learn from this problem? And what does it need from us parents?

Of course I was angry at first. I was also uncomfortable. In situations like this, it's helpful to ask yourself: What can my child learn from this problem? And what does it need from us parents? If I want my child to develop empathy, I have to set an example.

What did you say to your son when he came home?

That his teacher had called me. He immediately blushed - he was embarrassed and wanted to make excuses. I then went for a walk with him and told him that my friends and I had bullied a classmate when we were his age.

We talked about how I still feel guilty about it today. He listened intently and thought it was a shame that I behaved like that back then, and was then prepared to talk about why you sometimes let yourself be tempted to be mean to others - and what the consequences can be.

With great seriousness, he and his friend wrote letters of apology and over the next few weeks thought about a number of things to repair the relationship.

What feedback can parents use to help their child behave in a socially competent way?

We can always point out to our children the consequences of their behaviour and say something like: «Did you notice how happy your little sister was when you asked her if she wanted to play?»

Children generally learn more quickly if you point out positive examples instead of constantly criticising them for «mistakes». Parents should also allow their children to spend a lot of time with other children. After all, social behaviour for groups can only be practised in groups.

A child needs space to try out behaviours and test their effects.

Meanwhile, parents should take a step back and only intervene if the child feels overwhelmed. Children should be allowed to gain experience on their own, such as how to resolve conflicts constructively.

It needs space to try out behaviours and test their effect. In this way, a child can learn how a group works and when it should adapt or assert itself. To actively practise this, the child needs sufficient unstructured, unplanned time.

How do children develop a sense of responsibility?

When parents involve their children in activities such as cooking, gardening or repairs, they develop a sense of making a contribution to the community. Children can also learn to take responsibility by taking care of a pet or by volunteering, for example as part of a children's holiday programme or a charitable organisation.

Children should be instructed by adults to behave in a group in such a way that everyone can win.

Studies show that children who do one hour of community service per week show less risk-taking behaviour, a greater sense of responsibility and pro-social behaviour and develop greater self-confidence and self-esteem.

So what is important?

The art remains to raise children to become strong personalities who can still adapt flexibly to their environment and integrate into it. Children should be guided by adults to behave in a group in such a way that everyone can win.