4 tips for conflict-free communication with children
1. ego messages
I-messages have a de-escalating effect and can pave the way to a solution.
With a «you» message («You're too late!»), the other person feels criticised and backed into a corner. The usual reflex to this is defence, accusation and blockade. In contrast, I-messages express your own feelings and wishes instead of criticising or judging the child's behaviour.
Caution: A sentence that begins with «I» is not automatically an «I» message! «I want you to be on time», for example, does not work. The focus of what is said must be on your own feelings.
«I've been waiting here for you for half an hour and I was really worried because I didn't know where you were.» This changes the level of conversation from criticism to dialogue. This ensures understanding and openness to finding a solution.
- Create closeness: The other person knows something about the feelings of the person speaking, which triggers understanding and empathy.
- De-escalate: The other person does not have to feel attacked and therefore does not have to adopt a defensive stance.
- Constructive dialogue: As the situation is discussed and not the guilty party, there is a greater willingness to seek a solution.
2. listen attentively
Active and empathetic listening is not as easy as it sounds. After all, an open ear alone is often not enough to really hear and understand what the other person wants to express in everyday family life.
Dos
- Avoid distractions
- Signal your willingness to listen
- Take your time
- Leave excuses
- Brief confirmation that the other person has been heard, like a nod, «and then?»
- Ask questions if there are uncertainties, ensure understanding
- Be present
- Do not judge
- Show openness to other views
- Satisfy basic needs such as hunger or going to the toilet first
Don'ts
- Giving rash advice
- Getting a word in edgewise
- Wanting to bridge gaps or silence with speech
- Speak directly about your own experiences
- Leave noise sources set (TV, radio)
3. positive language
Pressure and reproaches often cause children to block or rebel. This interrupts communication. In contrast, positive wording opens up the space for dialogue. Positive language also has an effect on feelings, which in turn influences the relationship with each other.
Encourage instead of pressurising
Not: «You're only on your second bill?»
But: «How much have you already done?»
Open up the space for solutions instead of interrupting communication
Not: «You're late again!»
But: «Nice that you're here! What's been going on?»
Formulate a request instead of issuing an order
Not: «Don't talk to me like that!»
But: «Please speak to me in a friendlier way.»
The word «but» always has a negative effect, even if it is preceded by something positive.
Thinking in perspective
Not: «You didn't make it!»
But: «We'll keep practising together.»
Formulate the goal
Not: «Don't leave your jacket on the floor!»
But: «Please hang your jacket in the cloakroom.»
Enable options
Not: «Football is not played in the living room!»
But: «You can take the ball with you and play outside!»
4. words that we can delete from our vocabulary
- «Always», «never», «constantly» ... Generalisations come across as accusations. Apart from that, something is very rarely «always», «never» or «constantly». «Everything else is always more important to you than doing your homework.» «You always forget everything!» Such generalisations trigger defence mode.
- «..., but ...» The best compliment loses its lustre when it is followed by a «but». «It's great how you tidied your room on your own, but your bag is still on the floor by the entrance.» The word «but» always has a negative effect, even if it is preceded by something positive.
