«You should be ashamed of yourself!»

Have you heard the term «flash of shame»? Probably not - my colleague Stefanie Rietzler and I invented it. We call flashes of shame the awful feeling that comes over us when we review a lecture before falling asleep and think: «What a load of incoherent rubbish I answered to that question!» When we see a new video for the first time and realise: «How borderline stupid you look!»

I can still remember well how I had to hike up a mountain in almost thirty degrees on the way to a lecture in June. I spent the fifteen minutes before the welcome in the toilet blow-drying my soaking wet, dark blue shirt in the hand dryer and hoping that it would dry in time and that nobody would come in.

You've probably experienced these flashes of shame too. They flash through your entire body: your skin tingles, heat shoots through your face and you feel like hiding. But what is shame? And how can we deal with it?

A human feeling

Shame developed relatively late in the history of evolution. It requires an awareness that other people judge us and an idea of which norms, values and rules of behaviour we should submit to in certain contexts.

Shame is therefore a socially mediated feeling and is activated when we fear embarrassing ourselves, being excluded from a community or losing status and value.

Shame is activated when we are afraid of embarrassing ourselves. It is a warning signal and protects us from overstepping boundaries.

If our sense of shame is adequately developed, it serves as a warning signal and protects us from overstepping boundaries. Just how damaging it can be if our sense of shame is too dampened or practically switched off becomes clear when people do things when drunk that they regret afterwards.

Feelings of shame are culturally dependent

Shame is found in all cultures. However, what people are ashamed of depends on the culture and time. In previous generations, it was shameful to have a child out of wedlock, get divorced, not go to church or disobey authority. The whole family «had to be ashamed» if one member broke the conventions.

Today, more diverse lifestyles are accepted and conventions are less rigid. We are no longer ashamed of not being like the others. As the American social researcher Brené Brown says, today we are more ashamed of being average: when we show weakness, fail to achieve professional goals, cannot reconcile family and career, fail exams or are not beautiful, athletic or efficient.

What helps against shame?

1. detoxification:

Think about it for yourself or together with your children: What makes us feel good? How do we feel after we have been on social media, read an article in «Joy», «Shape» or «Men's Health» or watched Germany's Next Top Model? If you regularly feel inadequate, fat and unsuccessful afterwards, it's good to steer clear of this rubbish.

Maybe we'll start exercising again and pay attention to our diet in order to feel good, stay healthy and enjoy exercise.

The importance of this distinction is shown by a study that investigated how comments from fitness trainers affect women. Those that focussed on strength and health, such as «this exercise particularly strengthens the upper leg muscles», ensured that the women felt fit and well. If, on the other hand, the trainers emphasised that an exercise «helps to reduce fat or cellulite», the women tended to feel ashamed.

2. exchange with others:

Shame makes us lonely and makes us feel like we are the only person struggling with our shortcomings and weaknesses. It is therefore beneficial to talk about this with others.

After a seminar on ADHD, one mum said: «It's so good to know that others are fighting the same battles and that you're not alone.»

3. unconditional appreciation:

In a study by Dutch psychologist Eddie Brummelman, young people were given the task three weeks before their report cards to think of people «who always accept and appreciate them, regardless of how they behave or how good they are at something». They were then asked to think of a specific situation in which they were accepted and appreciated by others, even though they had made a mistake themselves. This exercise resulted in these young people feeling less self-condemnation and shame when they received a bad report.

4. guilt instead of shame:

Researchers such as Brené Brown (2012) emphasise that we can react to our own mistakes with guilt or shame. People who are primarily ashamed think: I am wrong! They feel inadequate and unlovable. Their self-esteem suffers and they tend to withdraw, cover up and are more likely to develop mental disorders.

Firstly, ask yourself whether shame is appropriate. Because it is often the wrong people who feel ashamed, those who have done nothing wrong.

People who feel predominantly guilty when they make mistakes think: I have behaved wrongly! The feeling is unpleasant, but it motivates us to apologise, take responsibility and change our behaviour. It is socially adaptive.

As parents, we can guide children through the feeling of guilt in this way and think together about how they can apologise and make amends. Perhaps with questions like:

• Was ist passiert?
• Was meinst du, wie geht es dem anderen Kind jetzt?
• Wie geht es dir dabei?
• Wie könntest du es wieder in Ordnung bringen?

The child realises: I have made a mistake, but my parents stand by me and accept me anyway.

5 Ask yourself whether shame is appropriate:

The wrong people are often ashamed. Those who have done nothing wrong. I remember a boy who had a crooked incisor and was teased for it. His mum said: «We talked about how to deal with the situation. He wanted to talk to the class and told his teacher that he needed to get something off his chest. He told his class that he would love to have teeth as beautiful as theirs and that it was really bad for him that they didn't. And that he just couldn't understand why they were so mean to him about it. It was dead quiet, there were red heads.»

According to the mother, the class even defended her son when other pupils made stupid remarks in the playground.

About Fabian Grolimund:

Fabian Grolimund is a psychologist and author («Learning with children»). In the «Parent coaching» section, he answers questions about everyday family life. The 40-year-old is married and father to a son, 6, and a daughter, 3. He lives with his family in Fribourg. www.mit-kindern-lernen.ch, www.biber-blog.com

Don't miss a text from Fabian Grolimund?
Fabian Grolimund writes for the parents' magazine Fritz+Fränzi in every issue. Get a subscription so that you don't miss any of his texts!