«You don't have to be perfect, Mum!»

3 questions for parenting researcher Margrit Stamm, author of the new book «You don't have to be perfect, mum!»

Mrs Stamm, you say that motherhood has become a kind of religion. How is that to be understood?

In our culture, motherhood is seen as the absolute pinnacle, the first and most important relationship in a woman's life. Motherhood has become a new, sentimental religion. However, these beliefs associated with motherhood are not based on experience and observation, but on almost sacred notions of what makes a good mother. With the exception of Nordic countries, almost all Western cultures are steeped in this myth.

Margrit Stamm is Professor Emeritus of Educational Psychology and Educational Sciences at the University of Fribourg and Director of the Swiss Education Research Institute in Aarau. Her research focusses on giftedness, quality in vocational education and the promotion of migrant children. (Picture: Raffael Waldner)
Margrit Stamm is Professor Emeritus of Educational Psychology and Educational Sciences at the University of Fribourg and Director of the Swiss Education Research Institute in Aarau. Her research focusses on giftedness, quality in vocational education and the promotion of migrant children.
(Picture: Raffael Waldner)

Mums under pressure? Why?

Mothers today find themselves under constant social scrutiny. That's why they start to compare themselves with other women. What do they do better than me, why are other children smarter? This attention towards others is the biggest driver for reinforcing the perfect parenting style. And this in turn often leads to the conviction that they are doing a lot of things wrong. When mothers reproach themselves, they downgrade the good in themselves, only see the bad, feel bad and also act against themselves.

Is there a way out?

The first step is to recognise that you are constantly comparing yourself to others and possibly feeling guilty about not being a perfect mother. The best way to find out where such feelings come from is to discuss them with like-minded women or a specialist. Secondly, it is important to accept your own imperfections. It is usually easy to say that nobody is perfect, but who really admits this to themselves? Honest statements are therefore the first way to develop a certain amount of self-love and to memorise the statement: «It's not just me who makes mistakes, but all other mothers too. I
I may be impatient, but this is part of my personality and I want to accept this characteristic.»

Margrit Stamm: Du musst nicht perfekt sein, Mama! Schluss mit dem Supermama-Mythos – Wie wir uns von über­höhten ­Ansprüchen befreien. Piper 2020, ca. 21 Fr.
Margrit Stamm: You don't have to be perfect, mum! Putting an end to the supermum myth - How to free ourselves from excessive demands. Piper 2020, approx. 21 Fr.

More about pressure in the family:

  • Mrs Tazi-Preve, why are mothers so exhausted today?
    Today's image of motherhood is driving women to exhaustion, says Austrian political scientist Mariam Irene Tazi-Preve. The supposed ideal of the nuclear family is to blame.
  • Jesper Juul: Dear parents, think more about yourselves!
    Many parents only ask themselves what they can do for their children. However, mums and dads should first ask themselves what they themselves need.