«Why, why?» - «Don't always ask such stupid questions!»

Many parents find it annoying when their children question everything. However, the desire for reasons stems from the need to understand our environment and the actions of others. Why questions help a child to understand that their own life and actions make sense.

Text: Fabian Grolimund

Illustration: Petra Dufkova/The Illustrators

Why do I have to learn this? Why this rule? Many adults have an almost allergic reaction to «why» questions from children and young people. They see them as cheeky and feel attacked.

It is often argued that children and young people should learn to «just do what they are told», as they will later have to do their job when their boss tells them to do something. It is also often asked incredulously whether «you actually have to give a reason for everything now».

Need to understand the world

When we are asked to do something - learn something, follow rules, complete a task - we want to be given a reason for it. Behind this is the need to understand the world around us and to realise that our actions make sense.

The medical sociologist Aaron Antonovsky described the importance of these aspects back in the 1980s. He asked himself how health is created and identified three factors that play a key role in keeping us mentally and physically healthy: Understandability, manageability and meaningfulness.

Whenever a child asks the «why» question, we have the opportunity to strengthen their personality and mental well-being.

In order to be mentally well in the long term, we therefore need the feeling that we understand the connections in life, the conviction that we can shape our own lives and the belief that our lives and what we do make sense.

Whenever a child asks the «why» question, we have the opportunity to strengthen their personality and contribute to their mental well-being. When we look for answers together, we encourage the motivation to engage in work or learning content and the commitment to realise it with the necessary perseverance.

I asked some parents to ask their children why they are learning maths. The 7- to 10-year-old pupils said:

So that you can calculate double the amount in the recipe.
You can then work out which is more favourable.
Calculating is simply fun.
Everything in the world can be calculated, it's incredible.
You learn to concentrate.
You practise becoming independent and when you have completed a task, you feel like a hero.
Arithmetic promotes logical thinking.
You learn to develop good ideas.
You have to think along with them, and if you practise with others, you have to coordinate.
Arithmetic is like an adventure land, you can imagine things when doing maths problems.

Wow! Do you notice how each of these points suddenly makes a school subject more meaningful? And how this increases your motivation to get involved?

Do you have to discuss everything?

When I talk to parents or teachers about why we should take children's and young people's «why» questions seriously and respond to them, the following statement comes up again and again: «Do we have to discuss everything now? Sometimes children just have to do what they're told.»

I think it is important to distinguish between two aspects here: As parents, teachers or bosses, it is our job to lead children, pupils or employees. If we want to do this job well, we should explain our actions. However, this doesn't mean that everyone always has to agree with everything.

Last week, I downloaded a new radio play onto my children's tablet - unfortunately half an hour before dinner. They were in the middle of the story when I had to call them to dinner.

Of course they wanted to keep listening to it during the meal. I insisted that they switch it off. They got angry and wanted to know why. I said: «It's important to me that we spend time together during the meal and can talk to each other undisturbed. That's why I'm turning off the mobile phone and you're turning off the radio.»

The little one thought «stupid dad» and the big one demonstratively didn't say a word to me for five minutes. If we offer an explanation, it's not necessary to talk at the other person until they accept it. Other people - including children - have a right to disagree or to feel differently.

But if we address the «why» question and answer it seriously, our actions are not perceived as arbitrary. The people around us get to know us better, gain insight into what is important to us and can understand why we do something. When parents and teachers tell me that young people need to get used to simply doing what they are told, as this is no different in professional life, I always ask myself: what kind of professional life are these children and young people being prepared for? One in which independent thinking plays no role? Or one in which questions of meaning are dangerous? Why should we want to steer our children or our pupils in this direction?

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When the «why» question is no longer asked

People who have got out of the habit of asking themselves why often become alienated over time. They simply do. They do what is said; what is rewarded; what is apparently expected of them. And it is not uncommon for them to have a major crisis of meaning at some point, in which the why question catches up with them again with a vengeance.

Anyone who has got out of the habit of questioning simply does what is said. What is said. What is rewarded. What is apparently expected.

I see this pattern surprisingly often even in students, even though they were allowed to choose their subject themselves. They study for exams, try to get their points with minimal effort and don't develop any real answers to the «why» question until they graduate.

If you ask them what they want to know and be able to do at the end of their degree programme, what fascinates them about their subject and why it is important for them to pursue this particular career path, the answer is often: «To be honest, I've never really thought about that before.» If you address these questions in coaching, you can see how students connect with the content of their degree programme, how motivation and personal responsibility increase and how it may even become attractive to pick up a textbook even without an upcoming exam. Universities in particular have shown that the way they are managed contributes a great deal to this problem. With the Bologna reform came compulsory attendance, exams after every semester, a points system and, as a result, the attitude among many students: take part, get a certificate.journalist and vocation coach Mathias Morgenthaler has interviewed over a thousand people who are living their vocation. He summarises his findings in his book «Out of the box». One of them is: «Those who fulfil all expectations should not expect fulfilment.»

Further questions and food for thought for children and parents:

«Is a tree sad when it loses its leaves?»
Is a lettuce afraid? Can stones be wise? How long does eternity last? A conversation with children's philosopher Kristina Calvert about the simple and complicated things in everyday life, why thinking out loud is good for everyone and how parents can start philosophising with their children.
Brave, strong and self-confident thanks to children's yoga!
Ooom! The trend has also reached the little ones. But how does yoga work with children? We attended a course.
10 things that make your child happy
Oscar Wilde said: «Being well brought up is a great disadvantage these days. It excludes you from so much.» We think so: That's true! And advocate a childhood with fun and a little bit of nonsense. We have ten tried-and-tested tips for you and your children to take a break from everyday life.