Why not let your children have a say!

Studies carried out in retirement homes have repeatedly revealed an exciting finding: individual residents behave rebelliously in the face of schedules, rules and regulations. They refuse to switch off the lights in the evening and rebel against paternalism and well-intentioned rules.

New York Times author Charles Duhigg describes a group of residents of a retirement home who stole a crowbar from the tool cupboard to remove the furniture that was bolted to the walls. They wanted to decide for themselves how to furnish their room.

When the manager told them that they only needed to ask for help if they wanted to change something, they said that they didn't want any help, didn't need permission and would continue to do whatever they damn well pleased!

Such rebels are stressful for carers and care home managers. However, various studies show that they are happier and healthier, live longer and remain mentally and physically more agile than the more adapted residents.

Talking with people instead of about them

Other studies have shown that care home residents generally live longer if they are given the right of co-determination. For example, if they are allowed to decide for themselves when they receive visitors, how they furnish their room, what they eat or when they go for a walk.

Studies show: Rebellious retirement home residents live longer than well-adjusted ones.

People want to have a say - we probably all realise that. The problem is that we keep forgetting it.

Whether it's a retirement home, the company, the school system or the family: we often think about the best solution. We often talk about the people who will be affected - but not with them: Care home managers think about how they can optimise processes and create the best possible conditions without involving the residents.

Politicians think about what reforms our schools need without having an intensive dialogue with the people who really know: the pupils and teachers.

Parents ask us after a presentation why their child doesn't like going to school or whether a change of school would make sense, and react with surprise when we ask: «What does your child think?» Very often they respond with: «We're almost embarrassed, but we've never asked before.»

This has happened to us too. When we offered a seminar for parents of children with ADHD for the first time at the Academy for Learning Coaching seven years ago, we had given a lot of thought beforehand, read countless studies and books and exchanged ideas with other professionals.

We thought: «Now we know what the parents need.» When we asked the parents at the beginning of the seminar what was bothering them and what they wanted to know from us, we realised that we had to exchange 90 percent of the content and that the concerns were completely different to what we had expected.

Flexible schools

If we want to promote co-determination, we must have the courage to consciously create room for manoeuvre and have the confidence that this will not be abused, but used sensibly.

At presentations, parents have told me several times that they are bothered by how inconsistent the Swiss school system is.

Of course, this is inconvenient when you move. But it is also a wonderful strength and opportunity for schools in Switzerland. Teachers from Germany, Austria or France often complain that «those up there» decide everything and that they are only supposed to implement what people who have no idea about the local situation have come up with.

Over the past few years, I have been able to visit many schools and have come across many examples of outstanding schools. Interestingly, they all look very different in terms of size, structure, composition of the teaching team, management or mission statement.

What can always be found, however, is a culture of growth, co-determination and responsibility. The attitude: this is our school, we want to get involved, we want to develop and achieve something together. The management of these schools does not allow any victimisation. They make sure that the - relatively large - room for manoeuvre is seen and used.

Decide on your own homework

Many teachers who enjoy teaching despite the many challenges of their profession also often have a high level of self-efficacy. They see more room for manoeuvre than others and signal to their pupils: «I want to achieve something together with you.»

Some give their pupils a lot of freedom: they negotiate the class rules together with the class, involve the pupils in projects or even let them decide whether and what they want to do as homework.

Parents and colleagues often react with concern because they believe that the children are sure to take advantage of this. However, if the teacher has succeeded in building a good relationship with their class, it becomes apparent that the pupils respond to trust with personal responsibility and are more motivated to work together.

If a teacher has a good relationship with their pupils, they will treat the say they are given responsibly.

Increased co-determination is also a way for families to defuse conflicts and strengthen the self-esteem and self-confidence of children and young people. In coaching sessions with young people, we repeatedly find that many of them feel that they are controlled by others and suffer from their parents' mistrust.

For example, most of them know that school is important and that agreements and rules are needed to live together. They would also be prepared to make a contribution.

Similar to the rebellious residents in the old people's home, however, they feel so restricted, annoyed, controlled and not taken seriously that they resist in order to reclaim their freedom. They hear phrases like «He's just going through puberty», "Have you started studying yet?

Don't leave it to the last minute again!", «Are you on your mobile phone again?» or «You simply can't be relied on». The message behind these statements is often «You have to be controlled, otherwise you'll let it slide anyway». Neither employees nor spouses or children react positively to this kind of disrespect.

We could ask ourselves: Where can we give our children, our pupils, more of a say? Where could we treat them with more trust? What messages do we need to send so that children feel taken seriously, seen and empowered?