Who are these people in my house?

At the beginning of a relationship, we can't tell each other enough. We want to get to know our partner's thoughts, dreams and fears and explore the last corners of their personality. Everything is new and interesting, and we are on a journey of discovery. As the years go by, everyday life catches up with us.

The relationship is going well, but they talk to each other less. Conversations become flatter, and as soon as children are added to the mix, it's mainly about organisational matters: Who's home when? Who is taking the children where and when?

We can become blind to developments that are obvious to outsiders.

Routine spreads. Caught up in everyday life, it can happen that we are no longer aware of changes, no longer update our image of the other person, our mutual development comes to a standstill - until one day we realise that we have grown apart. It is precisely our shared history that can be our undoing.

Shared history can connect us, but it can also alienate us

If we have many years and a shared history with a person, we assume that we know them all the better as a result. We know where they came from, what they have experienced and what has shaped them. We can look back on shared experiences and many conversations. That is something valuable and wonderful that can unite us.

However, it can also prevent us from seeing the other person as they are. We have formed an image of this person and it is correspondingly more difficult for us to see what is new and different about them. We can become blind to developments that are obvious to outsiders.

The author Daniel Pennac describes this in a particularly impressive way in his book «Schulkummer». Now one of France's best-known authors, he was a bad pupil at school and his mother worried about him for the rest of his life.

In the epilogue, Pennac describes a scene in which he is sitting in the living room with his brother and mother and watching a film about his literary work: "So Mum is watching this film, with my brother Bernard next to her, who has recorded it for her.

She watches the film from the first to the last minute, her gaze unwavering, motionless in her armchair, as quiet as a mouse, while evening falls outside. End of the film. End credits. Silence. Then, as she slowly turns to Bernard: «Do you think he'll make it one day?»"

Sometimes it is precisely the close relationship with the child that makes it difficult for us to see or accept certain things.

You may have had less drastic but similar experiences with your parents and, when visiting them as an adult, sometimes you would have liked to say: «You treat me as if I were still sixteen!»

Phases that were intense and in which we spent a lot of time together characterise our perception. Perhaps this thought will help us to be more lenient with our parents during visits.

However, being aware of the power of memories can also help us to open up more to ourselves and to keep reminding ourselves to look and listen carefully so that we can recognise important developments in others. However, memories are not the only hurdle when it comes to engaging with loved ones.

We have it good!

When his wife started the divorce proceedings, an acquaintance said to me: «But we always had it good together!» He was absolutely convinced of that. But his wife saw things differently, and had done for years. The «we» in his sentence is telling. Studies show that in close relationships we tend to transfer our feelings onto others.

This also happens to us with our children, as Dr Belén López-Pérez from Plymouth University was able to show. She asked parents to assess how happy their children are. The results showed that the parents' assessment did not correspond particularly well with the children's and adolescents' assessment, but did correspond with the parents' self-assessment.

Happy parents overestimate the happiness of their children, while unhappy ones underestimate it. The unconscious assumption that our family is about the same as we are obscures our view.

Wishes distort our perception

Last but not least, our desires also get in the way. Most parents systematically overestimate their children. They think they are more capable, more intelligent, more musical or more sporty than they actually are. To a certain extent, this is not harmful.

However, as a study by Eddie Brummelman shows, some parents - especially those who see themselves as something special - greatly overestimate their children. This can lead to problems because they expect their child to stand out from the crowd and achieve great things.

Warnings from other carers, e.g. teachers, that parents are overburdening their child usually only lead to anger and disbelief among these parents. Expectations that are too high can put a child under pressure, which many parents do not realise.

Happy parents overestimate their children's happiness, while unhappy ones underestimate it.

A large number of studies show that children and young people are generally doing well today. They are satisfied with their lives and can cope with the demands placed on them. However, there are also children and young people who are exposed to high levels of stress and who are expected to do more than they are capable of.

In this context, I found a study by Holger Ziegler from Bielefeld University depressing. He analysed over a thousand children and their parents and measured the children's stress levels. He asked the parents of particularly stressed children to rate their children's stress levels.

The results showed that 87 per cent of parents were unaware of the pressure their children were under, even though they showed clear symptoms. A large proportion of these parents even believed that they were not supporting their own child enough.

I still know my child best!

In many ways, the saying «parents know their child best» is true. But sometimes it is precisely the close relationship with the child that makes it difficult for us to see or accept certain things. As parents, we are sometimes less aware than outsiders of things that deviate from our ideas, our own feelings or our wishes.

Knowing this can help us to remain curious and open and to endeavour to get to know our children and our partner again and again.