When mums lose their nerve

The woman did not hold back. She towered over her son like a wall of thunder in the middle of the tram and thundered down on him as if she were the Last Judgement itself. The child had long since fallen into a contrite silence, but she didn't stop, always going for another round. The child had long since given in. I hate it when women lose their nerve like that, when they can't control themselves, when they carry on even though they've had enough. And I especially hate it when I'm that mum myself.
Yes, sometimes I'm a parenting disaster. A mum for the textbook of raven mums, one that child psychologists in training give warnings to and pass on to each other. I have never laid a hand on one of my children, but you can also abuse children with words. When anger rears its head, lashes out and burns out. The voice of reason is always there too, wrinkling its nose in its sheltered cubbyhole and lecturing: The child can't understand like that, you're an adult, keep yourself in check! - ARE YOU EVEN LISTENING TO ME? But it is difficult to listen when you are clinging to the uncontrollable horse of anger that is galloping across the field of education and trampling everything in its path.
Most parents nod guiltily when you ask them about it. Almost everyone knows the situation. Surprising, actually. Loss of control is an issue that belongs more in the teenage years. In an endeavour to break free from the limitations of childhood, people get up to all sorts of nonsense. To find out how big and wide the world is and how free you really are, it is sometimes good to relinquish control. And the lesson of what patience this world can muster in the face of a rebellious teenager comes as a freebie. But you actually want the opposite and strive to take control of your own life. You get on board, stick to the rules, take responsibility. That's what it means to grow up. And you never have to be more grown-up than with children. Unfortunately, children don't automatically give you more wisdom and equanimity. It's mostly anarchy and chaos. Perhaps the fact that children fundamentally change life is also difficult for many to bear - the loss of control occurs on many levels. You love them endlessly, and sometimes they push you to your limits.
We are all fallible, and so sometimes I am the mum on the tram, the mum who pummels her son with words and won't stop. But since I have learnt that afterwards I feel as if I have actually hit my child, this choking in my throat that lasts for hours, a physically felt pressure when guilt, shame and a guilty conscience weigh on you, I can control myself better. Not only for children, but also for parents, the room for improvement is potentially unlimited.

Michèle Binswanger

A graduate in philosophy, she is a journalist and author. She writes on social issues, is the mother of two children and lives in Basel.