When marriage constricts: The darn seventh year

A mother asks:

I am 33 years old and the mother of two children, 4 and 6 years old. My husband and I put our children first because we want to give them the best and most loving support as they grow up. We are not perfect parents, we make mistakes, but we also think a lot about what is best for our children.

Our youngest son recently started going to nursery school. We realised that this has given us a little more time for ourselves as a couple. I'm thinking about taking up my studies again. I'm looking forward to this time and am glad that the baby years are over and I have more freedom again.

A few days ago, my husband told me that he wasn't feeling well. He misses life as it used to be, without children. Sure, our everyday life is always the same, a lot of routine and a lot of adjustment because of our children. He wonders how this will continue. He doesn't see any way of reconciling what we used to have with our current family life.

Is it normal how my husband feels? Chained and locked up?

I'm hurt by his statement and I'm also looking for the fault in myself, because perhaps I wasn't a good wife to him. I doubt his love for me.

I can't get these thoughts out of my head and I wonder whether it wouldn't be better if we separated. When my husband realised that I was suffering, he said that he was feeling better and that he still loved me and would do anything to give our children a happy childhood.

I'm afraid of the uncertainty. I didn't realise that my husband wasn't well. What will it be like in five years' time? Is it normal how my husband feels, chained and locked up? Is there an alternative to separation?

Jesper Juul answers:

What your husband is expressing is not unusual. It is comparable to your feelings and how you are experiencing your life at the moment. The difference is that you take a constructive and optimistic approach, for example when you want to go back to university - and he thinks pessimistically and only sees obstacles.

In my opinion, you are in what some family therapists call the first «seven-year crisis». This means that if your relationship lasts long enough, you will experience three major crises seven years apart.

The content of these crises varies in nature. The first is about the experience of the routine that has crept in and the resulting dissatisfaction. Many couples experience a cooling of the erotic aspect at this time, which sometimes triggers minor or major power struggles. As a result, life outside the family takes priority or one of the partners becomes involved in an affair. You can both count yourselves lucky that your husband finds the words and the courage to speak to you directly.

Paradoxically, the first «seven-year crisis» has its origins in love: the more we love each other, the more we say yes to each other. We give everything for the community, for the other person's expectations, his or her dreams and wishes. This meansthat we say less and less yes to ourselves as individuals and consequently less no to each other.

Instead, we submit to the rules of the community. In this way, we become more and more entangled with each other and therefore have to separate from each other again - if we want to avoid separation.

Liberation from self-censorship

This detachment process usually takes one to two years and requires some honest, inquisitive, exploratory conversations and individual reflection. In the process, both together and individually should help each other to articulate their current frustrations and define their wishes for the next ten years.

Many couples experience this process as an emotional, challenging journey, with tears and anger. This is because they realise how many compromises they have made in recent years and what «gifts» they have given each other - in the silent expectation of getting them back in the same currency.

During these conversations, it is important to put your own needs, wishes and dreams openly on the table. This will help to free them from self-censorship. You should remember that the individuality of the other person is not a threat to the family and partnership!

On the contrary: an interest in individual needs and dreams is the best guarantee that the family will survive as a strong unit. This also applies to the individuality of the children.

Should it stay that way?

I remember one couple where it took the husband a year to admit to his wife that he wanted to go back to work as soon as he got home. He was ashamed of his feelings because he thought they were «anti-family feelings». He didn't want to hurt his family for anything in the world.

He began to talk about the things he had given up for his family. He remembered times when he would spend a weekend on his motorbike or play tennis with friends twice a week.

He looked at his wife and said: «That's impossible with two children.» She looked at him lovingly and replied: «But that was the man I fell in love with.» This freed him from his self-made prison and ultimately saved the relationship. Children demand a lot of attention - but fortunately they don't need as much as they demand.

The best thing you can do for your children is to take the best possible care of yourself and your marriage.

The best thing you and your partner can do for your children from now on is to take the best possible care of yourselves and your marriage - individually and together. That way, you will overcome the first hurdle in a good atmosphere and be ready for the next one.

At this point, you can both start to look at your lives and ask yourselves the question: Is this how we want it to be until the end of our days? Is this the man or woman I want to grow old with? Will I have the same job for the next 20 years?

When the time comes, the children have left home and 80 per cent of the attention that was devoted to the children is suddenly freed up, what will we do with it apart from looking forward to grandchildren?

Jesper Juul:

Take your child seriously - treat them with respect. Children don't need boundaries - they need relationships. Parents don't need to be consistent - they need to be credible.

The Danish family therapist Jesper Juul has influenced people like no other in recent decades with his parenting and relationship principles. The founder of the familylab counselling network and author of over 40 books («Dein kompetentes Kind», «Aus Erziehung wird Beziehung») was married twice. He is survived by a son from his first marriage and two grandchildren.

Jesper Juul died on 25 July 2019 at the age of 71 after a long illness in Odder, Denmark.

Jesper Juul's columns are written in collaboration with familylab.ch

More from Jesper Juul:

• Warum Kinder oft nicht machen, was wir wollen – und warum wir ihnen dann Zeit geben sollten. Machen Sie mal Pause 
• Viele Eltern fragen sich nur, was sie für ihre Kinder tun können. Mütter und Väter sollten sich aber erst einmal fragen, was sie selber brauchen.Liebe Eltern, denkt mehr an euch!
• Lesen Sie unser grosses Exklusivinterview mit Jesper Juul. Mit uns sprach er über seine Kindheit, seine Arbeit nach dem Schickssalschlag und erklärt, wer die wahren Pädagogik-Experten sind.