When does a sibling dispute go too far?
Anyone looking for NCBI on the grounds of the Protestant Reformed Church in Thalwil will be surprised. «Yes, yes, you've come to the right place,» Madleina Brunner Thiam, social worker and project manager at the National Coalition Building Institute Switzerland, greets me, «the church rents us office space.» It's just a few square metres, but that's all the space she needs for her work. Because with the «Until someone cries ...» project, the social worker is getting out of the office and into the schools. We take a seat in the cafeteria of the community centre for the interview.
Mrs Brunner Thiam, what do siblings argue about most?
Siblings can argue about almost anything, but new media is definitely at the top of the list: Who gets to play with the iPad first and for how long? And who decides which computer game is played? The iPad or smartphone is often used as a means of exerting pressure: «If I tell mum, you're banned from using your mobile phone!» Younger children are more likely to fight over the coveted toy or over who gets to sit on mum's lap while she reads to them and so on.
All parents are familiar with such «close combat scenes». According to studies, children argue on average every 20 minutes. Experts say this is completely normal.
When I go into a school class and ask who has ever used violence, children don't like to come forward. Girls in particular don't want to be perpetrators. If I then ask who has hurt their sibling in a fight, their fingers go up. That's normal, they say. So you're right: sibling fights are too often considered normal and, in my opinion, trivialised.
In the «Until someone cries ...» project, NCBI Switzerland carries out prevention work in schools in the area of sibling disputes. This is unique in Switzerland. How do you go about it?
We usually spend a morning with the school class at the start of the project. After an initial introduction to the topic, we introduce our «thermometer». This is an instrument that can be used to visualise how an argument escalates step by step. In small groups, pupils use it to model typical arguments from their family in order to develop strategies with each other and with our help to de-escalate an argument as it progresses.
What could such a strategy be?
For example, asking what the brother or sister means by their statement instead of responding with another insult, i.e. putting more question marks than exclamation marks in their communication. Or to see the situation through the other person's eyes: How does it feel for my little sister when we are constantly arguing about who has to tidy up the room we share? The children and young people should recognise the issues where they can no longer get on with their siblings and where the arguments always go too far, so that they can then see what alternatives they have. However, these ideas must come from the children. It doesn't work if the parents tell them what to do.
Online dossier siblings
Not an easy task for children.
That's right, a certain level of maturity is required for this reflection. That's why our workshops are also designed for children from the 3rd grade onwards.
«Sibling disputes are too often considered normal and trivialised.»
Youth worker Madleina Brunner Thiam.
But sibling disputes also have positive effects on the child's development.
Of course. Many children practise their ability to resolve conflicts with the help of their siblings and can use this as a resource in later life. When children realise that they have different alternatives for resolving an argument, they can adapt this to other situations. And I have never heard a child say: «I hate my brother or sister.» Except perhaps in an argument.
And what do these children say about their parents?
Around 90 per cent of the children who took part think that their parents do not react well in an argument.
Why do parents often react negatively in the eyes of their children during an argument?
Parents often intervene because the conflict becomes too loud or too much for them. They find the children's behaviour disturbing. However, they may not yet feel the need to take action or feel that they can solve the problem themselves. Parents are often concerned with keeping the peace. The culprit is named and the children are sent to their room. Sibling disputes are a disruptive factor that needs to be resolved quickly.
What do you suggest?
Parents should work through the argument together with the children. The argument thermometer can help with this: What started the argument and what is behind it? Of course, it is important to say that there are boundaries in an argument that must not be crossed, such as hitting. But parents should refrain from apportioning blame, otherwise certain mechanisms can become established.
How: The little sister skilfully provokes the big brother, who then strikes - but only the big brother's outburst is visible?
For example. It's not about naming perpetrators and victims, but about helping your children to get out of this spiral of conflict. Ultimately, there is a conflict because two people disagree. Both feel victimised.
But there are actually cases where someone always starts. How do you deal with such a situation as a mum or dad?
It would be important to find out what the issue is with a child who keeps starting a particular argument or provocation. Feeling not treated fairly, being bored, jealousy ... What's behind it all? A conversation can help - not when a provocation has just happened, but at a good moment when the child concerned can open up and doesn't have to fight back.
Some experts advise parents to stay out of the argument completely and, for example, to leave the room if it gets too much for them. But that's not so easy.
I wouldn't recommend that either. My presence also sends out a signal: «I'm interested in your concerns.» You can stick around and wait and see or ask after the argument: «Should I say something next time or will you come out of the argument yourself?» However, it is also advisable to observe yourself as a mum or dad: Is this conflict bothering me because I'm stressed myself? Then I really should leave the room.
Are there also situations in which arguments clearly go too far?
As adults, we would probably say when injuries are involved or the same person always ends up crying. If an argument is always destructive, if the same vicious circle always plays out, a child may give up out of the feeling that they can't achieve anything. Or because they are always the bad guy in the end anyway and are punished as the offender. When a child stops fighting back, parents should recognise this as an important signal.
"There are children who can no longer sleep because they worry so much about the constant arguments.
Madleina Brunner Thiam, youth worker.
What behaviours does a child who is experiencing this exhibit?
This can express itself in very different ways. Some children become very quiet and withdraw into themselves, others become aggressive and look for the next weakest person in the playground to take out their frustration on. Basically, it can be said that it is not good for a child's development if they don't feel safe at home. They need to be able to relax and do their homework. There are children who can no longer sleep because they worry so much about the constant arguments. This is often underestimated.
What are these thoughts?
On the one hand, there are things that go through your head that you have said that were hurtful to the other person, whom you actually like. And there are thosechildren who are afraid of arguments. They are more in need of harmony than their siblings and can't cope if they always want to argue everything out.
Can such a child be harmed in its development?
Studies point to this. Adult surveys show that many compulsions can be traced back to earlier sibling disputes. This has a lot to do with the behaviour of the parents.
What do you mean?
Many roles such as «the responsible one», «the unreliable one», «the quiet one», «the loud one» have been assigned by the parents. I have heard testimonials from people who say that today they still feel responsible for everything that doesn't go well.
Does this allocation of roles inevitably lead to disputes?
No, not necessarily, but as parents you have to be aware that you are ascribing certain character traits to your children. And the siblings should also be aware of this. Along the lines of: «It's his role that's arguing with me now, not the person themselves.» Learning by modelling is of course a big issue. Children whose parents argue a lot often show similar behaviour. And in families where there is a lot of bossing, this behaviour is passed on to the children. It is worth observing smaller children in particular when they are role-playing - this reflects the behaviour of us parents.
What can I do as a mum or dad if I have the feeling that one of my children is suffering from constant arguments?
In such cases, I think it's important to talk to the teachers and the school social worker about how the child is doing outside of their own four walls. Teachers are also happy to receive such information. There are also good sources of help, such as the parent helpline or counselling services offered by towns and municipalities.
What options do parents have to strengthen the sibling relationship?
When I became pregnant with my second child, we attended a sibling course with our daughter. The midwife there said: «Imagine your husband comes home with a second wife, whom he now loves just as much as you do. With a wife, you immediately understand that she will react angrily. You expect a child to be happy.» Don't get me wrong: of course it is important to involve the child in the care and nurturing of the new family member at an early stage. But it's also important to accept when they don't want to be involved. And there is something else parents should be aware of: Many children have a need for their parents' undivided attention. And they also have a right to receive this from time to time. This means that sometimes you should also do something alone with a child.
Does it also help to separate siblings who argue a lot and bitterly, i.e. to give them each their own room?
Yes, that can be useful if you have the opportunity.
Shouldn't we rather consciously do things where the siblings are together?
I find it difficult when - in order to strengthen their relationship - you condemn the children to being together. The children may not want that at all. Nevertheless, as parents you should offer the children a space in which they can have lots of experiences together - but in a completely informal way and without pressure.
The dispute thermometer
«Until someone cries ...» is one of four projects in the «At home without fear» series(www.zuhauseohneangst.ch), developed and implemented by NCBI Switzerland. As part of this project, the dispute thermometer has been developed, a tool to visualise how a conflict develops. The thermometer ranges from 0 to 100 degrees. A dispute usually starts very small with a statement or a gesture. An example: Stefan is watching a cartoon film. Boris comes and says: «That's stupid, let's watch sport.» Stefan: «No, I want to watch it to the end.» This is often followed by a reaction that heats up the argument (give back). Boris provokes: «You always watch such childish things.» He switches to a football match ... This continues until the argument escalates (100 °C).
The argument thermometer can also be used to think about how an argument can be cooled down or interrupted. Boris: «How much longer will this animated film last? I was really looking forward to the game. What would be a good solution?» Stefan: «Do you agree if we switch to the game during the break?» You realise that the «cooler» the argument is, the easier it is to behave differently, and the higher up the scale you go, the more difficult it is to interrupt or even cool down the argument.
On www.bisjemandweint.ch, under the heading «Thermometer», a total of ten different arguments between siblings are depicted as thermometers.
Read more:
- Siblings - Between hatchet and peace pipe
- Five myths about siblings explained
- Read our dossier to find out whether siblings are important for a child's development, five myths about siblings and how to deal with constant arguments between brother and sister.