When children want to do everything right

All parents want only the best for their children: health, happiness and success in life. As children get older, society, teachers and parents increasingly emphasise the importance of success at school and at work. Young people, who are particularly susceptible to the opinions of others, can experience this as enormous pressure, which can lead to perfectionism. However, the scientific literature suggests that perfectionists are less healthy, less happy and less successful or, if they do succeed, they are never satisfied. Perfectionism is about doing things not just as perfectly as possible, but impossibly perfectly. Perfectionism is a personality trait that involves exceptionally high standards and leads to excessive self-criticism if these are not met. But who can fulfil them at all if they are so impossibly high?

THOSE ARE THE GOOD CHILDREN!

Perfectionism has many facets. Self-orientated perfectionism and socially prescribed perfectionism have been studied most frequently in children and adolescents. In the former, children set impossibly high standards for themselves; in the latter, they believe that others expect perfectionism from them and that they will not be accepted by others if they fail.

Perfectionists are less healthy, less happy and less successful

But is it really bad for children to want to be diligent at school and achieve excellent results? After all, these are exactly the well-behaved children, aren't they? What does the science say? On the positive side, self-orientated perfectionism actually results in stronger motivation, greater commitment, better performance and more pronounced positive emotions when you succeed. On the negative side, the price of perfectionism, especially when it is imposed by society, is very high: more physical complaints such as headaches and stomach aches, fatigue, more anxiety and more depressive symptoms, which can even lead to suicidal thoughts. All because you want to be the best pupil possible, even if this is impossible.
It is therefore extremely important to protect children from this unhealthy pattern of behaviour and to help them develop a healthy motivation for school. To do this, we need to know what causes children to become perfectionists.
Although theory has long suggested that parents play a key role in this, little research has been done on what leads to perfectionism in children and adolescents. Therefore, our Jacobs Foundation-funded project aimed to investigate the causes and outcomes of perfectionism in adolescents. In terms of causes, we investigated the role of parental pressure in the development of perfectionism in 15-19 year olds.

«Perfectionism is about not just doing things perfectly, but doing impossible things perfectly»

Dr Lavinia E. Damian

Although theory has long suggested that parents play a key role in this, little research has been conducted into what leads to perfectionism in children and adolescents. Therefore, our Jacobs Foundation-funded project aimed to investigate the causes and outcomes of perfectionism in adolescents. In terms of causes, we investigated the role of parental pressure in the development of perfectionism in 15-19 year olds.

HIGH EXPECTATIONS FROM ALL SIDES

Our results have shown that the parental pressure felt by adolescents over a period of seven to nine months leads to increased socially prescribed perfectionism (but not to self-orientated perfectionism). Adolescents who felt that their parents had extremely high expectations of them and criticised them if they did not meet these standards therefore experienced increased socially prescribed perfectionism. They seemed to project their parents' high expectations onto the expectations of others (such as teachers, classmates, friends and possibly romantic partners).

LONG-TERM EFFECTS

And that's not all: they also seemed to develop the mindset that others would only accept them if they were perfect. They probably thought: «If my parents expect me to be perfect, then that's how relationships generally work. Everyone expects me to be perfect and I will only be loved if I am perfect.» In addition, the high expectations of the parents do not seem to be reflected in the young people's own high performance standards. Parental pressure therefore does not make the positive side of perfectionism more positive, but only makes the negative side more negative. Our findings also allow us to conclude that this parental influence on personality development continues to have a long-term effect until late adolescence.

You have to help children develop a healthy motivation for school

Based on these findings, we are continuing our work by analysing the interplay between adolescents' perfectionism and other factors such as academic achievement, self-confidence, goals and school engagement at multiple time points. We also want to find out how these factors influence each other over time so that we can better understand how perfectionism functions and evolves in relation to the complex reality of life. We are also designing new projects in which we transfer these findings to other parental behaviours, but also to other facets of perfectionism that have not yet been studied in adolescents.
Our long-term practical goal is to teach parents behaviours that are geared towards their children's academic and professional success. We want to answer the question: How can parents support their children to be successful, but not at the cost of the children being unhealthy and unhappy? As it stands today, our answer is for parents to tell their children that they don't have to be perfect and that they are loved, accepted and supported, even if their performance results are not the best.
Image: Pexels.com

ABOUT THE AUTHOR:
Dr Lavinia E. Damian is an assistant professor in the Department of Psychology at Babes-Bolyai University in Romania. Her research focusses on perfectionism in young adults and employees. Perfectionists are less healthy, less happy and less successful. Children need to be helped to develop a healthy motivation for school.

JACOBS FOUNDATION
As one of the world's leading charitable foundations, the Jacobs Foundation has been committed to promoting research in the field of child and youth development for 25 years. The Foundation aims to provide sustainable support for future generations by improving their development opportunities.