When children threaten and beat their parents

The 9-year-old girl who scratches her mother's face bloody on purpose; the 13-year-old who takes over the whole flat and refuses to go to school; the 17-year-old who accuses her father of sexual harassment as a means of exerting pressure - these are just three of many cases in which parents contacted the Parents' Helpline last year and took advantage of the «Dranbleiben» counselling service.

A good 20 per cent of the calls received by the Parent Helpline now come from mothers and fathers who are afraid of their children. «It is estimated that in one in ten families, parents have already been physically attacked by a child. And we're not talking about small children who express their negative emotions physically by hitting or tearing their hair,» says Britta Went from Elternnotruf. We're talking about children who deliberately use pressure and verbal and physical violence when they don't like something.

According to US studies, a good 14 per cent of parents are affected by «parent battering». A study by the Technical University of Darmstadt speaks of 16 per cent of all 14 to 17-year-olds who use verbal, psychological or physical violence against their parents. From the age of 18, this figure drops to 5.2 per cent, but the acts of violence become more serious.

Why does violence occur against one's own parents?

According to a study by Brigham Young University in the US, 57 per cent of attacks on parents are physical. 82 per cent are directed at mothers - five times more than fathers - and single parents are most affected. 11 per cent of children are under the age of 10. However, there are different statements regarding age. According to US studies, 15 to 17-year-olds are the most likely to attack their parents, while Canadian studies show that it is more likely to be 12 to 14-year-olds.
Among those affected, families with a migration background are just as often represented as Swiss parents, low-qualified parents just as often as well-educated parents from socio-economically strong backgrounds. «What most of the victims have in common is a parenting style that lacks clear and loving guidance and therefore gives the child too little support and orientation,» says Britta Went. «These children have often been given everything they want from an early age and their parents have lost sight of the bigger picture.»

«The changed social conditions are one of the reasons why parents are increasingly becoming the target of children's aggression.»

Haim Omer, Professor of Psychology at Tel Aviv University

What is missing in these families is a loving, parental presence. This term is often associated with the concept of the same name by Israeli author and professor of psychology Haim Omer from Tel Aviv University. He sees the changed social conditions as one of the reasons why parents are increasingly becoming the target of children's aggression, against which they can hardly defend themselves. «Parents today are supposed to shape their children, not just educate them. That's not a bad thing, but it makes parenting a lot more difficult,» says Omer. He contrasts the traditional authority of parents, which is based on distance, control, obedience and strict hierarchy, with the «new authority», which emphasises closeness and a resolute parental presence.

Many parents get help too late!

This means, for example, that mums and dads set boundaries and that there are consequences if they are crossed. That they don't get involved in discussions, but make it clear when something is unacceptable - and that they make it clear to the child that they are doing this because they care about their daughter or son. Omer derives a specific programme from this presence that is designed to help affected parents. It is called «Non-violent resistance». The «Dranbleiben» programme from Elternnotruf is also based on this attitude.
«Signs that something could get out of control usually appear very early on,» says Haim Omer. Britta Went agrees: «Even 4-year-olds attack their parents or try to blackmail them. A single mum once called whose little son got on the sofa and emptied salt out whenever he didn't like something - she was really panicking about the situation.» Most parents wait far too long to get help. This is partly because they are still physically superior to their offspring up to a certain age, and partly out of sheer shame.
Britta Went's appeal to parents who are afraid of losing control of their child: «The sooner you get help, the sooner a problematic development can be stopped.» Many parents hope that the parent helpline will be a panacea that works immediately. She has to disappoint Brent: «Unfortunately, it doesn't work like that. But it's definitely much easier if a spiral of emotional and/or physical violence hasn't already developed, from which it's not so easy to get out.»

«The sooner you get help, the sooner a problematic development can be stopped.»

Britta Went, works at Elternnotruf

The aim of the «Dranbleiben» project is to enable parents to break out of the spiral of violence in the family, to regain their ability to act and to confront their child's violence in a non-violent and effective way. In an initial counselling session, experts from the Parent Helpline therefore define the goals to be achieved with the parents. Further counselling sessions follow.

What is the reaction of the parents concerned?

Many parents react to verbal or physical attacks from their children by getting involved in arguments. They argue, threaten and shout. «This always leads to escalation,» says Haim Omer. «The more often this happens, the longer it goes on and the older the child gets, the more hostile the atmosphere at home becomes.» A clear «no» is better than a verbal tug-of-war and is also part of parental duties according to the «new authority», says Omer.
The psychology professor is critical of rewards and punishments - «in most cases, they accelerate such spirals of violence.» However, they cannot be completely ruled out in any society. «But parenting must not be based exclusively on this, otherwise it becomes counterproductive,» says the author.

Punishment and praise are counterproductive

Neither Haim Omer nor Britta Went, for example, consider the withdrawal of mobile phones to be an adequate educational measure when children «freak out» verbally or physically. «That doesn't solve a single problem,» says Britta Went. In the case of the 13-year-old who didn't want to go to school, however, she advised switching off the internet during school hours: «In addition, you should never call the child in sick, but tell the school what's going on.»

Read more about aggression in the family:

• The aggressive child
  Aggression has many faces and many causes. Frustration and provocation are the cornerstones of the great rage in the belly. Why is aggression important? How should parents and teachers react when children shout, threaten or hit?

• "When someone provokes me, I lose control," says 16-year-old Phillipp. Why he wants to get a grip on this now.

• Aggressive children, what is normal?
  Tantrums, shouting, hitting their little brother or sister - anyone who brings up children will be familiar with these outbursts. But what happens when the aggression becomes extreme?

• Do war toys make children aggressive?
  An insecure mum seeks advice from Jesper Juul: should parents intervene when children «shoot» each other with plastic guns and pretend to slit other children's throats?

• How to practise bearing frustration
  Many children react to disappointment and defeat with anger and aggression. How parents and teachers can help a child to improve their frustration tolerance and better control their needs and desires .

• Can parents prevent their child from committing offences? The well-known juvenile lawyer Hansueli Gürber talks about loving but consistent parenting.

• «Mr Bauer, why do children react aggressively?» The neuroscientist explains in an interview why men commit more violent offences than women and what role the media plays.