When children grow up - an opportunity for parents

The most practical thing about this flat is its central location," says Pasqualina Perrig-Chiello, opening the door to her balcony. A tram is rattling past on the street. We visit the developmental psychologist at her home in Basel. Her place of work has long been Bern. «Our sons never wanted to leave Basel. So I had to commute,» she says and laughs. The children are now grown up and a baby chair is always ready for the grandson. During our conversation, we learn that Pasqualina Perrig-Chiello became a mother as a student and was therefore never able to focus on her children as much as late parents sometimes do. «But that also made it less difficult for me to let go.»

Ms Perrig-Chiello, when children leave home, many parents fall into an emotional hole, which psychologists refer to as «empty nest syndrome». How does this syndrome manifest itself?

In the literature, terms such as sadness, loneliness, abandonment, emptiness or pain are attributed to empty nest syndrome. These feelings can become very intense and lead to a mental disorder. However, I consider this pathologisation of a normal life transition to be outdated.

Why is that?

The term originated in the 1950s, when it was a fact that many women had problems with this biographical step. But back then, women were mainly housewives and mothers and defined themselves almost exclusively by these roles. What's more, the children's departure was usually definitive. They moved out at around the age of 20, earned their own money and soon started a family. Transitions, i.e. biographical transitions, are more fluid today and are no longer characterised by a clear before and after.

What do you mean?

Let's take school enrolment as an example. In the past, children started school at around the age of seven. There was a before - the child was at home - and an after - the child went to school. Today, many children go to nursery early, then to kindergarten, before moving on to school. The transitions are fluid, and it's similar when the children leave home. Many may take a flat for their studies or training, but come home at the weekend. When they start a family and the relationship breaks down, the parental home is usually the first port of call. Today, we experts tend to talk about the «never-empty nest» or the so-called «boomerang kids».

So no problem at all?

I wouldn't say that. But the departure of a child, which is one of the normal transitions in life, is something that mentally healthy people cope with well. And many mothers today - once their children reach a certain age - work, they no longer define themselves one-sidedly through their role as a mother and therefore no longer have to completely reinvent themselves when the children move out.

How are the fathers doing?

That is an interesting question. While women are often emotionally prepared for this event, for many men it almost comes as a surprise, as a long-term study that I conducted at the University of Bern shows. In this study, we asked the participants once before the last child left home what it would be like for them - and then again afterwards. The mothers' assessments, most of whom expected mixed feelings, largely corresponded with what they actually experienced. Not so for the fathers. The majority of them had expected a positive development.

What did the women do differently?

For example, they had exchanged ideas with other mums who were already further along in the process. And prepared themselves in the same way.

And the fathers were disappointed?

At least surprised, as they had not mentally dealt with the event in advance. They largely left social matters such as children's birthdays, school enrolment and so on to the women - who were thus able to prepare themselves for the children growing up. And suddenly the child is no longer there and the fathers are in shock: What am I going to do now as a father? Have I missed out on something? Could I have been more involved? Although the son or daughter comes home once a week to do the dirty washing, contact is maintained via the mother. The men are still all too often dependent on the information that comes through the women.

So it's the fathers who have the problem, not the mothers, when children move out?

This is the case in today's generation of 50 to 60-year-olds. But just as the role of the mother has changed in recent decades, the role of the father is also changing. Young fathers are much more involved in their children's development and will therefore be prepared differently for growing up than their own fathers were.

The family generations have never got on as well as they do today.

Today, young adults move out on average at the age of 24 - quite late compared to the previous generation. Why is that?

Adolescence has become longer - the period of education, the maturity to be able to live independently, financial independence, all of that comes later today. What's more, there's often no reason to want to flee an authoritarian, mouldy parental home at an early age, as was the case in my day. The family generations have never got on as well as they do today. And this means that moving out falls into a special phase of the parents' lives.

How special?

When the children move out, most mothers and fathers are in their late 40s to early 50s. This point in time will shift backwards in the coming years. At the moment, however, it is still in this age group. Most of them are in a very demanding phase of life at this age: their children are fledging, their own parents are old and perhaps in need of help, and they have a lot of responsibility at work. Then there are the physical changes of the menopause. You are no longer young, but you are not yet old. And this intermediate phase prompts many people to take stock: What have I achieved? What do I still want to achieve? Statistically speaking, the life satisfaction curve is at its lowest in this age range.

Most divorces also take place at this age.

However, this is not solely due to the children moving out. Several factors come together. It's also about the partnership, about yourself, perhaps about a career change. These many adjustment tasks are stressful. But of course, it's a big challenge not to become estranged from your partner over the years. As long as the children are there, you have a common theme. But when this disappears, it's not unusual for the big silence to begin. Both have developed in different directions and many people realise: We no longer have anything in common. Parents are therefore well advised to invest time and energy early on not only in their children and careers, but also in their relationship.

Now the age of first-time mothers is being pushed back further and further. Is it easier to be 60 instead of 50 when your child moves out?

In part, yes. At this age, you no longer have so many obligations weighing on you, your hands and head are freer again. On the other hand, children are extremely meaningful. And we know from clinical research and practice that the later you are, the more intensely you experience parenthood . But there is a simple message that seems very important to me: the children do not belong to us. Our job is to make them into independent and happy people and then let them go. This letting go is not an absolute letting go, but a spatial distancing.

But don't we make it difficult for our children to leave us by wanting to have a good time with them and making it as nice as possible?

Absolutely. I am a systemic family therapist and as such I would like to emphasise: There is the parent level and the child level - and it should stay that way! My two grown-up sons are not my friends. We get on brilliantly, but we have a lot of friction. We know from generational research that if the older generation wants to copy the younger generation just to please them, things go wrong. In literature, we talk about generational identity, and this is very important. If you copy them in order to please, you prevent the younger generation from developing their own identity and being able to stand up for it.

Do you have an example from your day-to-day work?

Some. For example, there is the mother of two daughters who dressed like a girlie. One daughter thought it was cool for a long time, the other daughter did the exact opposite and dressed defiantly and demonstratively in an eco-style. But the daughter, who initially liked her mother's behaviour, also distanced herself at some point. They now both find it embarrassing because their mother is getting older and older. As a professor, I have also seen how more and more parents are interfering in their children's affairs.

Tell us.

In the last few years of my teaching career, I repeatedly received calls from mothers who had called their daughters or sons in sick before an exam. In my day, I would have been deeply ashamed if my mum had phoned the professor. Other parents accompanied their children to information events or even to the lecture theatre.

What do you attribute this trend to?

Many men and women today become parents later in life and have one or two children, in whom they place all their life goals. They define their success by their development.

How can parents do better?

Parents should start giving their children responsibility at an early age and train them to take responsibility for themselves. This ability to take responsibility is something that many educators and professors feel is lacking in the younger generation. The blame does not lie with the young people, but with their parents, who did everything or a lot for them and did not teach them to be independent.

If you start in your teens, it's probably too late.

Definitely. Mums and dads can trust their young children and give them the freedom to experiment - and at the same time always be there to catch them if they stumble or if something goes wrong. Control is important, but not down to the smallest detail. As a mum, I don't need to know who my child is with every minute of the day. This freedom and trust has a lasting effect on a child and gives them security.

This is not so easy for many parents during puberty.

At this stage, parents should ask themselves the question: How much friction can I tolerate? How much do I trust my child? What freedom can I give them while still maintaining control? Let's take the example of going out: parents should give their teenagers the opportunity to go out, but make firm agreements with them in advance. «You'll be home by 10 pm», «You're never out alone». These agreements can be very individualised and depend on where they live. There don't have to be many restrictions, but these few are central and irrevocable. And the child must realise this.

What else do you think is important?

Children need certain guidelines in terms of values. It has been empirically proven that if you teach children values and rely on them internalising them, they will not want to disappoint you. Adolescents are always asking themselves: if I do this or that, what will mum or dad say? I also think it's important to trust your child. And last but not least, you should start with yourself. If you see yourself in roles other than motherhood, you prepare yourself for the time when your children no longer need you so much and you can let go more easily.

How can I maintain a good relationship with my children once they have moved out?

It seems important to me to plan fixed rituals or times so as not to run the risk of being inconvenient. This could be a monthly visit or father and daughter going for coffee together every fortnight. There may also be a need on both sides to see each other more often. Strong family ties cannot be dissolved by physical distance. Even if you don't get in touch for a few weeks or even a month, you both know that it's not malicious intent because you trust each other.

Tip for parents: When the child moves out, it is a tremendous opportunity to redefine their identity.

Let's say that the child's departure is very painful for the parents.

Don't get me wrong, I don't want to be disrespectful towards parents who feel this way. Perhaps it helps such a mother or father to talk to like-minded people, to exchange ideas. But perhaps he or she also needs two or three sessions with a therapist to feel better.

What would you say to a father or mother who comes to you for such a reason?

That it is a tremendous opportunity to redefine their identity. They are allowed to grieve, they need time to come to terms with something. It's a period of mourning for something you've enjoyed for a long time. That is a loss. At the same time, they shouldn't be idle and should socialise with like-minded people. When the children leave, we have to redefine the meaning of life.