When are parents allowed to check their child's mobile phone?

Parents want to protect and look after their children. And at the same time raise them to be independent and self-confident people. A dilemma that is particularly evident when dealing with media: How much control is necessary? And how much is too much?

There is always something unpleasant about being checked . Anyone who has ever been stopped knows this. For example, when a police officer waves a road user off, it is not an encounter on equal terms. The driver is suspected of having done something wrong. And they feel caught out, powerless and often at the mercy of the officer. It doesn't matter whether an offence has been committed or not.

Many adults experienced a very similar emotional situation in their own childhood and adolescence when their parents checked up on them. A good example of this is the standard question «Have you been smoking?». It immediately triggered a highly unwilling reaction in us.

Because if we smoked, it was none of our parents' business in our opinion. On the contrary: we saw their question as a restriction of our own freedom. And quite rightly so. However, we also reacted angrily if we hadn't smoked because we were annoyed by the mistrust they showed us.

Parents fear losing control

Since we have become parents ourselves, the issue of control has not become any easier. The difference is that our generation is usually not comfortable controlling its own children. After all, the principle of «if you give trust, you will get it back» applies to parenting today.

Manchmal fällt es schwer, Sorge und Kontrolle auseinanderzuhalten.

As soon as children get older and claim more freedom for themselves, many parents feel overwhelmed. Letting go is unavoidable - in theory. In practice, however, it feels like a loss of control .

How are we supposed to proceed without control if the child is unable to stop watching TV or playing PC games after the agreed time? A more precise differentiation helps in everyday parenting: What is the motive behind my desire to control?

In this case, checking that time is kept has nothing to do with mistrust. Rather, we know that the child simply can't help it. The pull of the medium has taken such a strong hold on him that he has lost all sense of time. In my opinion, this control has nothing negative about it, but rather pursues the legitimate goal of preventing harm to the child. Of course, it's still no fun. It's even trickier when dealing with smartphones.

Admit it: one of the main reasons for checking mobile phones is curiosity!

Of course, nobody likes to admit it, but one of the main reasons why parents want to control their child's mobile phone is curiosity. Why is that? Because some parents quickly feel excluded and because we can never look at our children unobserved. They behave differently in front of their parents than among their friends. Parents often wonder what their son or daughter is like when mum and dad aren't around. How do they cope on their own? How do they get on with others?

Texts, photos and videos on mobile phones are the wrong way to find answers to these questions. The topics just mentioned can be discussed openly with the child if there is a good relationship of trust in the family.

Trust is at stake

However, anyone who secretly checks their children's mobile phones is putting this trust at risk. Worse still, it is a major breach of trust. Children have a right to privacy. It is not for nothing that their protection is one of the central demands of the United Nations Convention on the Rights of the Child.

Secretly checking the smartphone can certainly be compared to secretly reading a diary. However, some parents don't want to accept this and react indignantly in my lectures.

«Why am I not allowed to read what my child is up to on their smartphone while the data octopuses analyse every sentence?»

outraged parents at Feibel's seminar

Some mothers and fathers believe that their child's privacy is blatantly violated by WhatsApp and Instagram, meaning that a mobile phone is not entitled to an intimate status like a diary. «Why,» they ask, «am I not allowed to read what my child is up to on their smartphone, while the data octopuses analyse every sentence to exploit it for their own purposes?»

Yes, it's true: Anonymous robotic programmes are spying on us all. This is a huge problem that cannot be denied. But one injustice does not legitimise another. Ask yourself the following question: «Would my child's friends confide in him on WhatsApp and Instagram if they knew I was reading?»

Where control is in order

There is nothing wrong with checking the child's mobile phone if this is part of a joint agreement that the parents made with the child before buying a smartphone. The only important thing is that it is not done «secretly», but together. Up to a certain age, this works quite well.

But this can change very quickly when the child enters puberty. Of course, children are allowed to express their veto as soon as they find certain things embarrassing. This must be respected. If there is a good, empathetic and trusting relationship, they will seek us out of their own accord as soon as there are problems such as chain letters, abuse or naked pictures.

Apart from that, joint controls remain essential for another reason: to prevent harm. Things and security settings are constantly changing on the internet and especially on social media without users being asked. These settings need to be checked and readjusted again and again. This control is okay because the distrust shown is not towards the child, but towards the providers of the content online. Conclusion: Control is good, trust is better.

What is a good control?

  • Vereinbaren Sie mit Ihrem Kind gemeinsame Kontrollen.
  • Versichern Sie ihm, dass es nichts mit Misstrauen ihm gegenüber zu tun hat.
  • Versprechen Sie Ihrem Kind, dass es immer zu Ihnen kommen kann, wenn ihm im Netz etwas komisch verkommt.
  • Überprüfen Sie mit Ihrem Kind regelmässig die Sicherheits­einstellungen in den sozialen Medien. 
  • Wenn Sie sich für die Inhalte interessieren, interessieren Sie sich für Ihr Kind.
  • Fragen Sie regelmässig nach seinen Aktivitäten (Spiele, Instagram etc.) und lassen Sie sich die Faszination erklären.

About Thomas Feibel:

Thomas Feibel, 56, is the leading journalist on the subject of «children and new media» in
Germany. The media expert runs the Office for Children's Media in Berlin, gives readings and lectures, and organises workshops and seminars. His most recent book for parents, «Jetzt pack doch mal das Handy weg», was published by Ullstein-Verlag. Feibel is married and has four children.

In the next issue of Fritz+Fränzi (April 2019):
How well prepared is my child for the digital world of work?

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More articles on the topic of media rules:

  • Überwachungs-Apps: Was Eltern beachten müssen
  • Ab wann darf mein Kind ein Smartphone haben? 22 Fragen und Antworten zur Medienerziehung