«What would you like more support from us for?»

At the beginning of this article, think back briefly to your time as a teenager. How did you experience your relationship with your parents during this phase? What were you able to talk to them about and what not? What topics did they focus on? Were you able to relax at home and did you feel seen and understood by your parents during this time of change, upheaval and uncertainty?

When I talk to young people today, I notice that many feel connected to their parents - even though this phase is traditionally associated with conflict, distance and alienation. More and more parents seem to be able to allow their aging children to have their own opinions, goals, values and autonomy while remaining in a relationship.

The parents' assumptions and the child's reality often don't match up very well.

Nevertheless, it is normal for contact to become more difficult during this time and for parents to feel that they are losing access to their child at times. Perhaps the child suddenly expresses opinions that are alien to you, distances himself, answers questions taciturnly or hardly comes out of his room. We parents can experience this as a rejection and react angrily and disappointed. We may also mourn the time when the child needed us even more and we were the first point of contact for worries and needs. But how do we get closer to our children again in the midst of this puberty turmoil?

Making friends with being a stranger

In his book «Kinder lieben, auch wenn's schwierig wird», child and adolescent psychiatrist Oliver Dierssen writes about the feeling of alienation that can develop gradually or suddenly in contact with one's own child. This manifests itself in statements such as «I can't get close to them at all», «We can't connect with each other anymore» or «He doesn't take after me at all» and feels very threatening for parents.

Oliver Dierssen advises us to accept this feeling and approach it with curiosity. What would it be like if we accepted that our child is a stranger to us right now? And treat it as such? How would we deal with a strange child visiting us? Perhaps we would ask them questions - carefully so as not to overwhelm them and invade their privacy too much.

The more we leave it up to the child to decide what they want to talk about, the more likely it is that a relaxed atmosphere will develop.

We would endeavour to accept their views and beliefs first, and perhaps ask them in wonder why, instead of rushing to give them our opinion. Perhaps we would be more respectful, more open and less convinced that we already know what is best for this child.

In counselling sessions, I am always surprised by the astonishment of parents when they hear their children's answers to my questions. The parents' assumptions and the child's reality often don't match up very well. Presumably because many important questions get lost in the midst of the same old conversations about school, homework and media consumption.

Surprise your child with unusual questions

A new school, new classmates, a first crush, physical changes: Sometimes so much happens in the lives of older children and teenagers that they and we can barely keep up. Instead of giving advice, we can simply ask how our child is doing. The more we appear interested rather than worried and leave it up to the child to decide what they want to talk about, the more likely we are to create a relaxed atmosphere for the conversation. Perhaps with the question: How do you feel about all the changes happening around you right now?

Your child may not want to talk about their private life at the moment, but there are topics in their environment that concern them: artificial intelligence, social media, inclusion, climate change, wars. Our world is constantly changing. Sometimes this overwhelms us as parents so much that we would prefer to dismiss these developments. Perhaps an interesting conversation will arise from the question: Are there developments and changes in the world that I am turning a blind eye to and that you think I should be more aware of?

It is often easier to strike up a conversation with teenagers on a long car or train journey or on a walk.

If this question goes a little too far for you, you can also ask your child if there is a series, book or video that they can recommend to you. Sometimes the content opens up new areas of conversation, sometimes by asking why your child wanted you to watch this particular content.

It is often easier to strike up a conversation with teenagers on a long car or train journey or on a walk. Perhaps this is the right time for a more personal question such as: Are there any moments in your life that you feel have shaped or strongly influenced you?

Certain experiences leave a much stronger impression than others. These sometimes include those that seem relatively inconspicuous from the outside.

Talking about yourself

Feel invited to tell your child about yourself. What were particularly enriching, but perhaps also difficult moments in your life? Make sure that you don't overwhelm your child: The more mature they become, the more stressful topics there is room for. In this respect, the teenage years also offer your child the opportunity to get to know you better and discover new facets of you.

However, you may also have got the impression from reading the article: «With all these questions, nothing will come from my child anyway! I'm just about right to do the driving, fill the fridge and pull out the wallet.» We can also question this assumption. Perhaps the child could still say something, but in a different way. The following question could open the door: Is there anything you would like more or different support with from us parents?

This question invites your child not only to talk about current difficulties or their needs, but also to formulate whether and, above all, to what extent they can accept help from you.

Fathers, take heart!

Finally, a word to fathers: many of us men still find it unfamiliar or even uncomfortable to talk about feelings, difficulties or personal experiences - especially with our children. Perhaps our own father was often absent or we experienced him as emotionally distant.

He may also have been content to ask his wife what was going on in his children's lives and still prefers to be informed by her instead of answering the phone himself. In this case, we are missing an important role model for how to be emotionally attentive to our own children, even as men. If we want to be modern fathers and close to our children in this respect, we have to keep jumping over our shadows. It's worth it. I promise!