What to do when your daughter loses the courage to face life?
The mother of 16-year-old Anna writes that her daughter has suddenly become depressed . Anna had previously been more like Pippi Longstocking: strong and independent. Anna and her two siblings (aged 12 and 14) always had the space and opportunity to make their own decisions.
Anna is beautiful, intelligent and good at school, says her mother. She knew very early on what she wanted. It was a big shock for the family when Anna became so depressed from one day to the next and told her mother that she even thought about suicide from time to time. She suddenly no longer knew what to do and felt wrong. Anna's parents and her siblings don't think that Anna is doing everything wrong. They feel confused and helpless. Her mother works in the healthcare sector and her father has a farm. Of course there were always arguments, ups and downs in Anna's family, but they weren't bad and they all learnt from them.
A life crisis can be triggered by a traumatic experience - but it can also come out of the blue.
Anna has seen a psychiatrist who prescribed her antidepressants and she now sees a psychologist once a week. Her father takes her for a long walk every day and all the family members talk to each other a lot. This condition has been going on for four months now and the whole family is very tense and upset. But the worst thing, according to the mother, is the fear for Anna: the fear that she might actually take her own life. That's why the whole family is constantly keeping an eye on the teenager. The parents wonder what they have done wrong.
Jesper Juul answers:
Based on the mother's description, there are several possibilities. I don't think the explanation for Anna's behaviour lies in her parents' relationship with their daughter. Apparently the parents were not overly protective of Anna and she probably didn't have the role of the «perfect princess» in the family.
As far as I can tell, Anna is going through a so-called life crisis. This has obviously not been triggered by a loss (such as a death or a life-threatening illness in the family) or a trauma (such as a divorce or abuse). This also means that there is no specific cause that needs to be identified. On the one hand, this is of course good news, but on the other hand it reinforces the helplessness of all those involved.
A life crisis can be triggered by a traumatic experience, but it can also come like a bolt from the blue. Anna has suddenly lost «herself» (or rather her being). She doesn't know who she is, what she wants, what is important or unimportant, what she likes or dislikes. Those who are sure of themselves know their weaknesses and strengths, their sympathies and antipathies. Anna now suddenly feels empty and naked, without an identity.
Something similar often happens during puberty. It usually leads to dramatic conflicts with parents and siblings. Anna knew what she wanted. And her parents were sufficiently empathetic and flexible with her, which gave Anna the opportunity to realise her wishes and dreams without power struggles. Basically, she always made smart and sensible decisions. She always had her parents' trust and support.
If you were to ask Anna, she would probably confirm that she has «lost herself», just as her parents now perceive her. Until now, she had the privilege of being part of a triangle consisting of herself, her parents and her network. Now she feels that she has lost a corner of this triangle.
But she hasn't actually lost herself. She has «only» lost contact with herself and feels temporarily paralysed. All her talents, experiences, goals and dreams still exist, but she can't feel them and therefore has no access to them. This is a very serious and dramatic loss for a young woman who always knew what she wanted, could do and felt.
Depression is Anna's identity
What can the parents and others do to help her? With a psychologist, for example, it is important that the chemistry between him and the patient is right and that he is able to convey to Anna that he holds the key to her well-being. Anna needs an external dialogue or sparring partner who is patient and willing to guide her at her own pace. I think one meeting a week over the course of a year would be ideal.
Anna should share her thoughts about suicide with her parents before she plans any further steps. This creates a lot of security on both sides.
If their doctor has prescribed a modern antidepressant - popularly known as a «happy pill» - and it doesn't help much or at all after three to five weeks, they need an alternative medication. Or the parents may even consider the option of not having any medication administered at all.
As Anna has lost her identity, depression is now her entire identity. It is important that the same does not happen to her parents and siblings. They must always remember that Anna is much more than her depression. Although this is very difficult, the parents must do everything they can to prevent their daughter's depression from becoming their «project».
Of course Anna needs the attention and care of her family, but it shouldn't be the case that parents put their own lives on stand-by until their daughter says she's better. I understand the fear that Anna could take her own life. My suggestion is therefore that they offer Anna a «deal»: Your daughter should share her thoughts about suicide with her parents or the psychologist as soon as they arise and before she plans any further steps. I know that seems a bit harsh, but it usually creates a lot of safety on both sides.
Otherwise, the key words now are patience and integration. It may be over next week or it may take many more months. During this time, the parents must learn to hold back their own helplessness and despair and live their own lives so that these feelings do not also bring their lives to a standstill. They can believe in their daughter, just as they always have. They can trust that Anna will find her own way out of her depression and find herself again.
