What to do when grandparents interfere in your upbringing?

When children of working mums and dads are regularly supervised by their grandparents , the question arises as to how they should be involved in their upbringing. The answer is simple - but implementing it is tricky.

«Oh, child!» The arguments between Esther and her mother Lise begin with these words. Because Esther works, Lise looks after Esther's son almost every day. She often goes against Esther's educational ideas. For example, she lets Till snack much more than Esther would like. But every time Esther raises the subject, her mother objects. «Oh child, it's not that bad!» Such comments unsettle Esther. More and more often, she asks herself: should Grandma and Grandpa also have a say in Till's upbringing?
Experts give a clear answer to this question: parenting is a matter for parents. Grandparents should look after the children - but not raise them. Grandmas and grandpas accompany their grandchild's development and help the parents to realise their educational ideas. If conflicting educational views arise between parents and grandparents, the parents should have the last word.
So much for the educational science recommendation. In everyday life, however, this can never be implemented as straightforwardly as Esther and many other mums and dads would like.

«Stabbing parents in the back is taboo!»

Educational scientist Melitta Steiner

Experts say this is no big deal. However, there is one thing grandparents should never do: «Stab their parents in the back by allowing their grandchild to do something they expressly forbid. That's taboo,» says educationalist Melitta Steiner from the children, youth and parent counselling service punkto in Zug. In the end, the offspring have to reconcile the contradictory signals from the adults - which can become a problem for the child.
If the grandparents keep saying something different to the parents, the adolescent lacks educational continuity. Their everyday structures are not clear and unambiguous, but appear disorganised and arbitrary. «Continuity is very important in education,» emphasises psychologist and educational advisor Erica Rusch from the Education Department of the Child and Youth Welfare Centre (kjz) in Winterthur. «This continuity gives the child security.»

Talk about parenting ideas in advance

To ensure this continuity as well as possible, there are a few rules to follow.
Anyone planning to involve their parents regularly in the care of their own children should clearly formulate their basic parenting ideas in a joint discussion and communicate them to the grandparents. For example: The child will never be physically punished. Or: The children should never watch television or play games for longer than the time set by the parents.
If the grandparents have any questions or uncertainties, the adults should clarify them with each other as soon as possible. In this fundamental discussion, parents and grandparents have a central goal: to avoid conflicts about different parenting ideas in everyday life - and to establish clear rules for the child's well-being.
 However, not every situation in everyday life with children can be foreseen and agreed in advance. Some things are not even thought of. So that mum and dad can continue to implement their parenting ideas, they should, for example, ask the grandparents when handing over the child: «Were there any moments today when you weren't sure how we would decide?»

Decisions should be made after joint consultation wherever possible.

The mother and father should always invite the grandparents to make decisions together if possible. Especially if the child suggests or asks for something that they haven't done before. In such situations, grandma and grandpa can first reply: «That's an exciting idea - let's ask mum and dad and then see what happens.»

Prevent the child from falling into a conflict of loyalty ...

«If grandparents or parents are unhappy with the situation, both sides should always seek dialogue with each other,» advises Melitta Steiner. The adults should approach the dialogue with as much empathy as possible and refrain from arguing in front of the adolescent. Otherwise, the child risks falling into stressful conflicts of loyalty.
But even if the parents have the last word in educational matters, they don't have to dictate every decision to the grandparents. Because grandmums and grandpas have already experienced the key situations of parenthood, they have a wealth of experience that can now benefit the parents. «Grandparents are often more relaxed and calmer with their grandchildren than young and less experienced parents,» says Rusch.
This wealth of experience and calmness are two resources that parents sometimes overlook. So instead of trying to impose their own educational ideas, mum and dad can ask the grandparents for their opinion - or give them certain freedoms when looking after the child. These freedoms should be clearly defined in advance with the help of a discussion.

Educational norms are subject to cultural change

But what do you do if the educational ideas of parents and grandparents are so far apart that the grandparents don't want to implement the decisions of mum and dad at all?
«In this case, both generations should bear this in mind: There is no right or wrong,» says Rusch. Because every child is different and therefore needs different educational structures. If the grandparents experienced their own offspring as shy children, they are generally more likely to approve of an approach that is also suitable for similar child characters, but not for energetic little world explorers, for example.
All parenting ideas are based on certain individual experiences - and are not equally good for every child. Realising this makes it easier to have a calm conversation about different parenting styles.

Instead of having heated discussions, we need to find out together: What works best for our child and our grandchild? What are his needs?
Instead of having heated discussions, we need to find out together: What works best for our child and our grandchild? What are his needs?

We should also realise that the ideas of what parenting should look like are always subject to cultural norms - and are constantly changing, Erica Rusch points out. Heated discussions about supposedly right or wrong parenting norms will get parents and grandparents nowhere.
Instead, they need to find out together: What works best for our child and our grandchild? What are their needs? How can we best fulfil them together?

When professional support is the better solution

«It's completely normal for tensions to arise between parents and grandparents in everyday life,» says educationalist Melitta Steiner. But sometimes these tensions can get out of hand - and cause recurring confrontations. «In a deadlocked situation, parents should consider whether professional care might be the better and conflict-free option,» advises Steiner. Also to ease the strain on their relationship with their own parents.
However, parents should not make a hasty decision in favour of crèche or after-school care. «Grandparents bring a high level of emotional and time commitment to childcare,» emphasises Rusch. «And that despite getting older.»
The parenting counsellor encourages gratitude towards grandmothers and grandfathers. Their great commitment is not to be taken for granted, adds Rusch, who also has to deal with grandparents time and again in her day-to-day work. «They play a very valuable role in the child's life,» she emphasises. «Compared to professional caregivers such as those in the nursery, grandmothers and grandfathers are often more stable, more present caregivers.»

Thanks to grandparents, children experience a deep sense of connection and belonging.

But this is by no means the only special feature of grandparents as carers for children. The development of girls and boys is richer when they experience a third generation. The offspring then realise that they are part of a larger, cohesive group and experience a deep sense of connection and belonging.
The child learns about its deep roots. This helps them to develop their own identity. This can be a wonderful invitation for parents and grandparents to treat each other with respect and gratitude in everyday life - and to keep the child's well-being in mind through constant dialogue.

How to make the dialogue between parents and grandparents a success

For parents

  • Formulate your educational ideas clearly and precisely.
  • Use examples from everyday life to support your ideas.
  • Don't dismiss the grandparents' parenting ideas as «outdated».

For grandparents

  • In general, only offer educational counselling on request.
  • Do not question the educational knowledge of the young parents.
  • Ask questions to avoid ambiguities or conflicts later on.

For all involved

  • Let each other speak out.
  • Be brief and understandable.
  • Show empathy and respect.
  • Let yourself be guided by the main question: What does the child need and how do we provide it?

The author:

Anna Gielas stellt derzeit ihre Promotion an der britischen University of St Andrews fertig. Die Autorin schreibt über Erziehung, Psychologie und Neurowissenschaften für verschiedene deutschsprachige Medien.
Anna Gielas is currently completing her doctorate at the University of St Andrews in the UK. The author writes about education, psychology and neuroscience for various German-language media.

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