What should I do if my child is being badly influenced?
A mother writes: "A so-called problem child lives in our neighbourhood who is the same age as my eldest son Lukas, six years old. They both start school next summer and will probably be in the same class.
Karl, as the neighbour's boy is called, talks to people he knows and strangers alike in a cheeky tone. He is always doing forbidden things, for example driving alone across a busy road. And the children behave differently when Karl is around. Instead of playing football or jumping on the trampoline, they all pull down their trousers and jump around half-naked. Karl then gives me provocative looks along the lines of: «Ha ha, you can't stop me anyway.» In such cases, I walk away but watch the children from a distance.
«He uses swear words that he doesn't hear from us.»
Mum of Lukas.
I know that the kindergarten teacher is keeping a close eye on Karl. She thinks it would be better if our son Lukas and Karl didn't go to the same class, as they are both «alpha boys». She says that they are both very popular with the other children. When Lukas is with this boy, he behaves differently. He uses swear words that he doesn't hear from us.
I recognise in Karl many traits of the «problem children» I went to school with as a child: the ones who played truant in Year 3, were cheeky to the teachers or smoked pot in Year 8 and came to school drunk. These children are often very cool and everyone wants to be with them and be like them.
Although my son is only six years old, I see a lot of negative traits in him that I had myself when I was little. He is very boastful in a way that puts others down and emphasises himself. I was the same way.
I now have two questions for you:
- Kann ich Karl auf irgendeine Weise helfen? Soll ich mit seinen Eltern reden? Oder vielleicht besser mit ihm alleine?
- Wie soll ich mich meinem Sohn gegenüber verhalten, damit er stark genug ist und sich nicht mitreissen lässt, wenn Karl etwas Illegales tut? Damit er ein gutes Selbstwertgefühl bekommt, um beurteilen zu können, was richtig und falsch ist, und um die richtigen Entscheidungen zu treffen?»
Jesper Juul answers
Almost 150 years ago, the German comedian Karl Valentin said: «You don't need to educate children, they do everything after you anyway.» This statement may be exaggerated, but there is a lot of truth in it.
Your neighbour's boy Karl lives in a family with an educational philosophy that differs from yours. But the boy is also already part of your family, part of the system that influences your son. Now you can ask yourself whether you have the strength and desire to bring him closer to your family or whether you want to keep him more at a distance.
Whatever your answer, the friendship between Karl and your son Lukas is a fact.
The kindergarten teacher describes the two as «alpha boys», i.e. leadership types. They also have two options: The two can either be enemies or they can be friends, and both scenarios influence your son's self-esteem and behaviour.
As both boys are solo runners, they will probably go their separate ways in a few years and establish themselves in their respective networks. But friendship is important right now and you have an excellent opportunity to influence their further development.
The best way to do this is to invite the boys over for cocoa and muffins and say something like this: «I'm glad you're such good friends, so I want to tell you something important, Karl. I think you've noticed that I don't always like what you do and how you talk. I can see that you think it's funny, but you haven't realised that sometimes it hurts people and they're not exactly thrilled with you. I want you to feel welcome in our family and I would like to respect that you are the way you are, but there are limits. That's why I would like to make an agreement with you: I want to be able to tell you when something happens that I don't like without telling you off. And I would like you to take me seriously.»
«You are signalling to your son that there are things that you, as a mother and role model, cannot accept.»
Jesper Juul
In this way, you establish a relationship with the boy - and at the same time you send a clear signal to your son that there are things that you, as a mother and role model, cannot accept. If you blame Karl for something, you are forcing your son to choose sides. If he has inherited your sense of risk, there is of course a danger that he will choose Karl.
You should not expect absolute obedience from Karl, but you will soon realise that a constructive relationship is developing between you and Karl. A relationship in which he is not reduced to the role of troublemaker and you are not reduced to the role of the annoying adult.
Some adults invest a lot in preventing their children from following the same developmental patterns as themselves - only to realise afterwards that it was not a good idea. Often the efforts are in vain, and sometimes they lead to the opposite. Your own story can characterise your relationship with your son with either worry and fear or empathy and loyalty. I recommend the latter.
Their son is six years old, which means that he is currently internalising his parents' moral values. The next five years will show what he does with them. Will he internalise them or will he find alternatives? A lot depends on pressure and counter-pressure and on your ability and willingness to accept him as he is. Be as clear and concise as possible (without too much repetition), but don't embarrass him because he is different (or not different from you).
If the kindergarten teacher is right when she describes Lukas as an «alpha boy», he will challenge most of the authorities he meets along the way in the coming years. Only a few will be allowed to follow him as he makes his own experiences and processes them. If there is no room for this at home and at school, he will have to postpone this project until puberty. Only then, of course, it will be a little more intense.
In collaboration with familylab.ch
Jesper Juul (1948 - 2019):
Take your child seriously - treat them with respect. Children don't need boundaries - they need relationships. Parents don't need to be consistent - they need to be credible. The Danish family therapist Jesper Juul has influenced people like no other in recent decades with his parenting and relationship principles. The founder of the familylab counselling network and author of over 40 books («Dein kompetentes Kind», «Aus Erziehung wird Beziehung») has been married twice.
Jesper Juul died on 25 July 2019 at the age of 71 after a long illness in Odder, Denmark. He is survived by a son from his first marriage and two grandchildren.
More from Jesper Juul:
- «Herr Juul, macht Kriegsspielzeug Kinder agressiv?»
- «Herr Juul, wie gehe ich mit Tobsuchtanfällen um?»