What mothers conceal

Mothers (and fathers) have to educate their children and therefore good mothers (and fathers) teach their children: You must not lie. Lying is bad. Lying is immoral. But as is so often the case, it is not so easy to keep to your own guidelines when it comes to yourself. Surveys show that the average mother is a diligent liar herself. Mothers lie to other mothers, their partners and even their children. But they are particularly fond of lying to their own mothers.

Almost three quarters of the mothers surveyed said that they lie to their parents about how they get on with their family. But mums also like to fib when it comes to how much they actually play with their children, how often they let them watch TV and how they feed them. The same goes for financial matters and their love life.

The results are not particularly surprising. Fear of failure, the feeling of not being enough, of being less able to cope with the situation than the others - who hasn't experienced this? You might be able to discuss this with good friends - but you don't usually want to with mums. (Note to self: Come back to this idea when your own child reaches puberty).
Because either your own mother was such a shining ideal of a model mother that you will always be a walking list of shortcomings, or she didn't get it right at all and all that remains is the realisation that you yourself are not a jot better.

We'd rather not say out loud what could jeopardise the status quo with children and a double income.

The more interesting question is how to teach your children not to lie if you are not honest with others. And this doesn't even just apply to your own mum. Until recently, Mumsrock.com had a list of things that mums don't tell their husbands.
In addition to the aforementioned fibs about their children's TV viewing and diet, the list also included things like the following: That mothers would actually prefer to go on holiday alone and just don't do it because they are too well brought up for that. That they spend too much money on cosmetics. That they multitask in bed and think about the best recipe for cauliflower during lovemaking. Or which TV bucks you wouldn't push off the edge of the bed. And that the only reason mothers don't say what they think out loud is because they don't want to jeopardise the status quo with children and a double income.

So now: is lying immoral in every case or are there certain topics about which it is okay to lie? The philosopher and writer Maurice T. Maschino has an original view on this question. He says that lying in a partnership, which he also includes omission, half-truths, concealment and embellishment, is not only unavoidable, but even necessary - he sees it as a form of love in its own right.

The lie ultimately benefits both partners

People lie mainly when they feel that their intimacy is being disturbed, for example by restrictive life situations or moral standards. Behind this is the fear of being scrutinised by others and the fear of losing oneself. And although lying is morally condemned, it ultimately benefits both partners. It brings freedom to the one, protection from unnecessary brutality and the maintenance of illusion to the other. Or as La Rochefoucauld said: «In friendship and in love, one is happier about the things one does not know than about the things one does know.»

The only question is how to teach this to your children. They will probably figure it out for themselves if you ask them about how things are going in their relationship or their own family. Because sometimes it's just more polite to lie.
Tages-Anzeiger/Mamablog

About the author
Michèle Binswanger is a philosopher, journalist and author. She writes on social issues, is the mother of two children and lives in Basel. She writes regularly for the Swiss parents' magazine Fritz+Fränzi.
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