What is life like as an unmarried couple with a child?

Dear Benjamin, you live with your wife and child, but without a marriage licence. How is that for you?

Éva Berger

Dear Éva,

It's pretty normal. And a bit complicated.

We don't feel any better, worse or even different as a family than one with married parents. There was simply no motivation for us to change our marital status either before or after the birth of our daughter. To show each other and society that we love each other and belong together, we don't need a wedding ring, the church blessing doesn't matter to us, and we can celebrate lavish parties even without a wedding.
without a wedding. Although, of course, our opportunities to do so have become just as rare now that we are parents as they are for any married couple.

The fact that we are occasionally asked whether and how this works in our country probably has something to do with the fact that, statistically speaking, we still lead a rather exotic family life. In Switzerland, more than three quarters of households with children are headed by married couples, the majority of the remaining quarter by single parents and only 7.2 per cent by so-called consensual couples. First families
without a marriage certificate, as we are, even form a marginal phenomenon of less than 5 per cent of households with children. This is certainly also due to the fact that «wild marriage» was a punishable offence in parts of Switzerland until well into the 20th century - in Valais even until 1995.

Today, we no longer have to worry about the police ringing our doorbell. However, there are still a number of legal differences in the treatment of married and unmarried families. For example, the name issue: The fact that one's own child has a different name sometimes leads to a certain need for explanation and sometimes to a strange feeling on the part of the parent concerned. But this is a self-chosen difference.

And overall, we were otherwise able to create similar conditions for our family life to those enjoyed by married couples. However, while marriage creates a framework agreement in which many things are already regulated between the partners and their children, as a cohabiting couple we had to make a certain amount of additional effort:

• Der Vater muss ein gemeinsames Kind gegenüber den Behörden erst formell anerkennen, damit es rechtlich mit ihm verwandt ist. 

• Beide Eltern müssen eine schriftliche Erklärung über die gemeinsame elterliche Sorge einreichen, wenn sie diese wünschen. 

• Möchten Konkubinatspartner einander die Vollmacht erteilen, im Notfall ärztliche Informationen einzuholen, medizinische Entscheidungen zu treffen und rechtliche oder finanzielle Angelegenheiten zu regeln, müssen sie dies in einer Schweigepflichtentbindungserklärung, einer Patientenverfügung respektive einem Vorsorgeauftrag festhalten. 

• Bei einem Todesfall erbt der Konkubinatspartner nichts automatisch. Um einander doch in beschränktem Mass zu begünstigen, müssen beide dies in einem Testament festhalten. 

• Konkubinatspartner erhalten zwei individuelle AHV-Renten statt wie ein Ehepaar nur eine anderthalbfache Rente. Dafür haben sie bei einem Todesfall gegenseitig bei AHV, Unfallversicherung und Pensionkasse keinen Anspruch auf Hinterlassenenleistungen. Einige Pensionskassen erbringen solche Leistungen freiwillig dennoch auch für unverheiratete Partner, jedoch nur unter verschiedenen Bedingungen und auf schriftlichen Antrag hin. Um sich für das Schlimmste besser abzusichern, können Unverheiratete eine Todesfallversicherung abschliessen. 

• Steuerlich profitieren Ehepartner vom günstigeren Verheiratetentarif, schneiden unter dem Strich in vielen Fällen aber doch schlechter ab, weil sie durch die Zusammenrechnung beider Einkommen in eine höhere Progression geraten. Konkubinatspartner müssen in jedem Fall zwei Steuererklärungen ausfüllen, und diese können reichlich kompliziert werden, vor allem bei gemeinsamem Eigentum. 

• Vieles lässt sich im Rahmen eines Konkubinatsvertrags regeln. Dafür gibt es allerdings keinerlei formale oder inhaltliche Vorgaben. Entsprechend anspruchsvoll ist es, den Vertrag so auszugestalten, dass er alles Wesentliche rechtlich solide, vollständig und im Sinne beider Beteiligter regelt. 

What many people don't realise ...

Without claiming to be exhaustive, this list perhaps makes it clear why so many marriages take place precisely when the woman is pregnant or intends to become pregnant, and not only in our environment. Without wishing to diminish the romance of one of these weddings: Their timing shows that, in addition to love, the marriage is also based on the very pragmatic desire for a secure legal basis for cohabitation.

On the other hand, two widespread assumptions that many see as significant advantages of marriage are wrong. Firstly, it is no longer the case that the economically weaker parent - typically the woman - is much worse off financially in the event of a separation without prior marriage. A new child maintenance law has been in force in Switzerland since 2017, which introduced child maintenance for unmarried ex-partners. This corresponds to the maintenance payments to which (still in the typical case) the mother was previously only entitled after a divorce.

Secondly, the marriage certificate by no means settles all essential issues between the spouses clearly and fairly. Particularly in the case of asymmetrical income and asset relationships or different ideas about lifestyle, drawing up a solid marriage contract can be just as useful as a cohabitation agreement. A whole industry of lawyers makes a good living from the fact that many couples find it all too unromantic to clarify their current and future circumstances before getting married.

It is therefore not so important for a lasting good family life whether the parents are married or not.

Almost half of marriages in Switzerland end in divorce, and on average this takes place after 15 years. This is roughly equivalent to the lifespan of a washing machine; raising children takes longer. It is therefore not so important for a lasting good family life whether the parents are married or not. What is more important is that, in good times and bad, they honour the bond for life that was and remains independent of the church and registry office: their child.

In our neighbourhood there are some families with unmarried parents, as well as married couples without children. We consider ourselves lucky to live in a society in which these forms of cohabitation are possible and widely accepted. Marriage is a wonderful thing for everyone to whom it means something. And there are many good reasons for a community to create a family-friendly environment and support parents in raising children.

However, marriage and family are two different things, and their equation by the legislator is hardly compatible with a liberal attitude and less and less with reality. Who would be deprived of anything if every family could feel supported by the state in the same way? And if everyone was allowed to decide in favour of or against marriage without having to weigh up the financial or legal consequences? Regardless of gender and sexual orientation, of course. «I support gay marriage,» the American author and country singer Kinky Friedman once said so beautifully. «I think they have a right to be just as unhappy as the rest of us.»

The next question goes to Evelin Hartmann, Deputy Editor-in-Chief:

«Dear Evelin, you regularly go on holiday with your family to a place where your husband used to go when he was a child. What's that like?»

Benjamin Muschg

The answer has now been published: Holidays in the same place - boring or beautifully familiar?

To the author:

Previously published in the section «We ask ourselves»:

• Chefredaktor Nik Niethammer antwortet auf die Frage: Lieber Nik, glauben deine Kinder eigentlich noch an Samichlaus und Christkind?

• Redaktorin Florina Schwander antwortet auf die Frage: Liebe Florina, bekommen deine Zwillinge die gleichen Geschenke zu Weihnachten?
  
• Leitende Autorin Claudia Landolt antwortet auf die Frage: Wie lebt es sich als Frau mit fünf Männern plus Hund?
  
• Stellvertrende Chefredaktorin Evelin Hartmann antwortet auf die Frage: Wie macht ihr das mit der Zweisprachigkeit Hochdeutsch - Schweizerdeutsch?
  
• Patrik Luther, stellvertretender Verlagsleiter, antwortet auf die Frage: Wie ist das, wenn die Kinder einen grossen Altersunterschied haben?
  
• Florian Blumer, Leiter Produktion, antwortet auf die Frage: Wie gelingt es euch, Arbeit, Familie und Haushalt gleichberechtigt zu verteilen?

• Bianca Fritz, Leitung Online, antwortet auf die Frage: Wie ist das eigentlich, als (noch) Kinderlose für ein Elternmagazin zu arbeiten?

• Sales-Managerin Jacqueline Zygmont antwortet auf die Frage: Wie geht das mit dem Loslassen, wenn der Sohn (20) langsam flügge wird?
  
• Sales-Managerin Corina Sarasin antwortet auf die Frage: Wie ist die Beziehung zu deinen Gottenkindern?

• Verlagsassistentin Dominique Binder antwortet auf die Frage: Wie ist es, als Einzelkind aufzuwachsen?

• Geschäftsführer der Stiftung Elternsein, Thomas Schlickenrieder, antwortet auf die Frage: Familie in verschiedenen Zeitzonen: Wie ist es, wenn der Sohn im Ausland studiert? 

• Autorin Claudia Landolt antwortet auf die Frage: Was kochen für vier gefrässige Jungs?

• Sales-Managerin Renata Canclini gibt Tipps, wie das Leben als Patchworkfamilie klappt. 

• Stiftungssekretärin Éva Berger erzählt, wie sie vom Vollzeit-Mami wieder 100 Prozent in den Job eingestiegen ist.