What is a parenting mistake?

Someone recently asked me: «Fabian, I've read that nothing stresses parents out more than the thought of having made serious mistakes in their upbringing. But do parenting mistakes really exist? Who defines what counts as a mistake? And can such mistakes be corrected?» Three good questions.

Text: Fabian Grolimund

Illustration: Petra Dufkova / The illustrators

I am not an advocate of any particular educational ideology or method. For me, education is successful when it contributes to children being able to say as adults: I know myself, I can accept myself, I know what I want, I am able to build good relationships with other people and help shape the world around me in a positive way.

I therefore don't want to tie what a parenting mistake is to a particular parenting ideology. But we can take a look into the therapy rooms and ask ourselves: what experiences with our own parents were so hurtful that they still affect people as adults, steal their joy of life and make them mentally ill?

When we ask ourselves this question, we almost inevitably come across a number of basic psychological needs that every person has. If these are violated over a long period of time, this can have serious consequences for a person's development. These basic needs include, for example, the need for security, attachment, autonomy, esteem and competence.

Children need to feel safe in their relationship with their parents.

From these needs, we can derive a series of basic beliefs that a child should develop. And I believe we can speak of a mistake when parents come into contact with a child in a way that has the opposite effect.

Parents as a source of fear?

Children need to feel safe in their relationship with their parents. This includes the child knowing that their parents will protect them from danger, will be there when they are needed and will respond reliably. Parents who use physical or psychological violence in parenting violate this need and become a source of fear for the child. This is particularly serious if the parents are unpredictable and the child cannot even foresee the violence.

Children also feel insecure if their parents are too mentally unstable to fulfil the role of parent. For example, children of depressed or alcoholic parents often take on a lot of responsibility at a very early age and even look after their own parents. Sometimes this goes so far that the children or adolescents do not want to let their parents out of their sight because they are afraid that they will take their own lives in an unobserved moment.

It also happens time and again that parents transfer their mood and feelings unfiltered onto their relationship with the child: when they are in a good mood, they shower the child with love and affection, but the next day they are so preoccupied with themselves that they appear distant and impatient. Such patterns fuel a fundamental insecurity in the child. As a result, they are constantly busy adapting to their parents and their moods.

A love that is tied to conditions

For healthy development, a child should not only feel safe. It should know that it is loved. If a child can experience that they are not alone, that their parents take the time to enjoy being with them, listen to them and are happy that they are there, they are giving their child an important gift.

Not all children are allowed to have this experience. Some parents make their children realise that they are a drag. They openly tell them things like «You're just impossible! We're always having problems because of you!» or «I have to give up so much for you!». A child doesn't just want to be loved. They want to be loved as the person they are. And they want to be able to shape their own lives and make their own decisions.

I love you when you play by the rules.

Some parents find it difficult to accept their child for who they are and let them go their own way. They have an idea in their head that they can't let go of and attach conditions to their love. They show the child: I love you if you excel/are something special/play by the rules/share my opinions or religious beliefs. They punish the child by withdrawing love if it does not fulfil the conditions.

After all, we all have a need for competence. We want to experience that we can master challenges, shape our environment and express our strengths. Parents who ridicule their children in front of others, call them stupid («You're such a mess! You'll never learn!», «You'll never amount to anything!») prevent their child from building up sufficient self-confidence.

When is it too late?

I've asked around in my circle of acquaintances - and I'm shocked at how many people have parents who have failed to respect these basic needs of their children. Most of them still manage to get on with their lives and - and this makes me particularly happy - offer their own children what they had to miss out on.

I would like to say to parents who find themselves in this text: it is never too late to admit your own mistakes and learn from them. Not everything can be put right, but some things can be repaired. Children can forgive their parents a lot if they see a real change, the parents get help and successfully change destructive patterns.

Children can forgive their parents a lot.

Sometimes even adults benefit when their parents admit mistakes, apologise openly and honestly and are allowed to gain new relationship experiences. An acquaintance in her 50s said to my wife: «My mum has had Alzheimer's for a few years now. She's been a different person since then. The controlled, pious, emotionally cold woman has been replaced by a warm, cordial and humorous person. It's as if I've been able to get to know her again - and it's incredibly good for me.»

On the other hand, I know adults who are still waiting for an apology from their parents and are tormented by questions like: Did my parents at least realise what they did to me? Are they sometimes sorry? It would help them to come to terms with these questions if they received an answer.