What helps children after a separation
I still remember how this sentence struck me: «Daniel's parents are getting divorced.» I was about eight years old and my best friend told me that the parents of one of my classmates were separating. Until then, I hadn't realised - at least on an emotional level - that parents could suddenly stop loving each other and split up. That evening, my parents had to reassure me that they would «definitely, definitely never get divorced».
Today, separations and divorces have the air of something commonplace. After all, around 40 per cent of all marriages are dissolved. This has the advantage that separated parents are less stigmatised today. However, it also has the disadvantage that many parents underestimate what a separation entails.
In my circle of acquaintances, I have witnessed several times in recent years that parents have assumed that «as mature adults» they can manage the separation relatively quickly and that the divorce puts an end to an unsatisfactory relationship.
It was only afterwards that I realised how difficult it can be when you suddenly have to make a lot of important decisions together with someone you have just left, because a lot of things were in a mess and you could hardly talk to each other anymore. And suddenly parents who had sworn not to do this for the sake of the children found themselves in court with lawyers, arguing bitterly about who was allowed to «have» the children and how often, how much alimony should be paid and who was the better parent.
Separation is almost always a burden for the children
A friend of my wife's was surprised at how violently her children reacted to the divorce. She assumed that the constant arguments were worse for the children than a separation. I think she was right in this assessment. But she underestimated how much children hope that their parents will somehow work things out.
Children naturally assume that their parents love each other. Even if they argue again and again. If they find out that this is not the case as a result of the separation, it shakes their sense of security: relationships can simply break down. It is therefore not far-fetched for children to consider whether their parents might suddenly no longer love them either, and perhaps even leave them. This impression is reinforced if they are hardly able or allowed to see the parent who is moving out.
Younger children in particular often believe that they were the reason for the separation.
Some children react very clingily out of this fear. They follow the parent at every turn, hardly let them out of their sight and may not want to go to school or nursery.
While some children react with aggression, others follow the strategy of being well-behaved and conforming so as not to cause their parents any further grief and run the risk of being abandoned. Younger children in particular often believe that they were the reason for the separation. Behaviour that seems adapted can also be based on the hope that the parents will get back together if the child makes an effort. Above all, however, the children are sad in the phase after the separation.
Simply give comfort
But how can parents ensure that children get over the separation as well as possible?
When a child reacts to the separation with anger or sadness, many parents take a defensive stance. Instead of comforting the child and acknowledging these feelings, they react with arguments and explain to the child that the decision was the right one.
It takes a commitment: we are no longer a couple, but we both remain the parents of our children and want to allow ourselves this role.
However, it doesn't help the child if they learn that their parents have grown apart or if their parents tell them that a separation is better than always arguing. After all, parents also expect you to make up with a sibling or parent after an argument, and they assume that you still love each other. Why shouldn't this rule apply to parents?
The more they are able to cope with the child's anger and sadness, the better the child can process these feelings and gain a new sense of security in their relationship with their parents. As a mother or father, you can perhaps realise: «I know that the separation was right. But my child can't understand it yet and simply needs comfort right now.»
An important message after separation: you are not losing a parent
Marianne Nolde, who wrote the wonderful book «Eltern bleiben nach der Trennung» (Staying Parents after Separation), mentions one point that is even more important in addition to accompanying the child: the child should learn as quickly as possible that it is not losing a parent, but that the care situation is changing. This requires a clear commitment from both parents to the parenthood of the other: We are no longer a couple, but we both remain the parents of our children and want to recognise this role.
There may be a few exceptions where it is actually better if contact with a parent is minimised or broken off. For example, if sexual, psychological or physical abuse of the child was the reason for the separation. In all other cases, it is essential for children that their parents develop this attitude.
Book tip
Nolde: Staying parents after separation. What ex-partners should know for themselves and their children. Knaur 2020, 192 pages, approx. 27 Fr.Crucial for child development
Psychologist Kemal Temizyürek speaks of attachment care, which describes an appreciative attitude on the part of parents towards the bonds their children have developed with other attachment figures and their endeavours to maintain these bonds. In the case of separated parents, this is expressed in an attitude and specific behaviour that makes it clear to the child: «You can continue to love both parents.»
A study by child and youth sociologist Anneke Napp-Peters, who followed 150 divorcing families in a longitudinal study, shows just how important this is. Her conclusion: children who had little or no contact with one parent after a divorce felt rejected, inferior and had more problems later on. Children who had the same amount of contact with their mother and father were happier, more life-affirming and more stable.
Knowing how important this is for the development of their own child can help parents to stand up for their child's bonds despite their own disappointments and hurts.
Carsten Vonnoh, author of «Up to Dad» and himself a separated father, writes in his book from the perspective of a child: «When I am picked up and brought back, I experience you at the same time for a brief moment. Let me feel that you are allies for me here and now.»
