Weekend dads: family at a distance
Marc Wittwer shuts down his computer and switches off the light of his desk lamp. The world outside the large window panes of the high-rise office block in Rotkreuz ZG is in darkness. It's 7 p.m. and the product manager is on his way home.
350 kilometres to the north-east, his wife is setting the table, his twins Lara (9) and Mario (9) are washing their hands and sitting down at the dining room table. From Monday to Friday lunchtime, their father's chair remains empty. Marc Wittwer's family lives in Munich, he lives in Sattel, Schwyz.
Family life at the weekend, living and working in another city or country during the week: more and more families are leading a life at a distance, mostly the fathers who commute because they are transferred by their company and cannot find a comparable job in their neighbourhood. Hugs, romping around, falling asleep together, waking up together, sex - everything that makes up a partnership and family is then packed into 48 hours.
Things were planned differently for Marc Wittwer (42). «I started in Rotkreuz in January 2014 because the job offer appealed to me,» he recalls. His family was supposed to join him during the summer holidays. But some of his projects didn't run smoothly and there were a lot of changes in the team. «Taking the children out of school, the big move - and then possibly having to reorient myself again after six months, I definitely didn't want that,» he recalls.
The Wittwers are too rooted in Munich for that, his parents live very close by, his parents-in-law only 40 kilometres away and look after the children on two afternoons when his wife works as an optician. «So we postponed the decision for another six months.»
Marc Wittwer didn't want to take the children out of school and make the big move.
Alexander Volz (43) looks out of the train window. He set off from Burgdorf BE at 5.30 a.m., his destination: the railway station in Kassel-Wilhelmshöhe, Germany. There he picks up his three children. Unlike Marc Wittwer, the communications expert is no longer together with the mother of his children. The boys from his first marriage are 12 and 14, his daughter 16. Dennis, Matti and Caro* are with him every three months, if possible for a week and every other Christmas.
Back in Burgdorf, there is a big reunion with the two little half-siblings - and gratinated nachos. «They're obligatory,» says the native North German and laughs. He has known since 2007 at the latest that life sometimes plays out differently to the way his parents knew it, when he separated from his wife. After the divorce, he met a Swiss woman. The move to Switzerland was not difficult for him. «My ex-wife often moved with the children, so I always had to commute,» he recalls. They skype between visits.
The children keep a mental record of who has more of Dad
Marc Wittwer prefers to talk to his family on the phone. «Hello Lara, how are you, have you eaten yet?». On the other end, a girl's voice tells him about school and that her best friend turns nine the day after tomorrow. Marc Wittwer smiles.
The fact that no one is waiting for you in the evenings makes you want to work more, he says. At least for the first few months. He now endeavours to find a good balance, sits on his balcony on summer evenings and goes biking. Sometimes he invites colleagues over to cook. «Otherwise, I lead the life of a hermit here,» says the family man and laughs. But he doesn't find it really funny.
Of course, the children are happy when he opens the door to his flat in Munich on Friday afternoons - if they are there. «Football training, dancing, they have their own programme now too.» And the fact that their mother is now the first point of contact for many things is only understandable for him. That's why he often doesn't even ask them at dinner how they did at school. Marc Wittwer: «We prefer to make plans for our time together at the weekend - everything else happens over the next few days.»
He knows that it's more important not to miss his son's football match on Saturday and that it's his daughter's turn afterwards, because the children keep a detailed mental record. Sometimes there is also time for dinner for two. He misses talking to his wife Bettina (44). Closeness is lost.
When Dennis thinks of his father, he looks at photos to console himself.
Alexander Volz loads the shopping bags into the car with his sons. Living everyday life is important to him with his children, alongside trips to the zoo or the mountains. It doesn't have to be a big entertainment programme for the boys, they just like being with their father and are all the sadder when they have to leave him again. «I think about dad every day at home,» says Dennis. Then he looks at photos and still gets sad when he looks at the calendar and sees how many days have to pass before the next reunion.
That's why Alexander Volz has thought of something, invented a story in which three young people have adventures in Switzerland. «It's not hard to recognise who these three are,» he says with a smile. So far, one of these stories has been published as a book(Alexander Volz, «Rustico Vecchio - das Erbe Andrins», Volume I, Spick Verlag, 2014, 29 francs). Five volumes are planned in total, one for each of his children. This also helps him to deal with the distance and stay close to his children.
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Marc Wittwer's twins have different opinions on how they are dealing with the physical separation. «Lara is doing well, she likes to talk, she enjoys talking on the phone. It's different with Mario, he needs to be together to feel close to his father,» he says. He has become more irritable and gets into arguments more quickly. «The boy misses his father,» says his teacher. A final decision will therefore be made in March: Who will move in with whom?
«I underestimated the commute,» Bettina Wittwer admits to herself and her family. «I miss being close to my husband locally.» Checking homework, driving the children to sports or friends, parent-teacher conferences, visits to the doctor, shopping, cleaning - her days are full to the brim. She gets support from her parents and parents-in-law. «But there are things I can't decide on my own,» she says. She writes these things down on a piece of paper. Her to-do list for the weekend. «Mario, who are you playing on Saturday? Oh great, I'm looking forward to it!» says Marc Wittwer and decides to pack his bag for the weekend tonight. Then he'll be home quicker on Friday.
* Names changed by the editors
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Read more about weekend dads:
- How to make a family work despite a long-distance relationship: Interview with family and couples therapist Peter Wendl