«We want to stay with Daddy!»
It's summer and there's a lot going on at the swimming pool. Ten-year-old Marcel hits his toe on the edge of the pool and is bleeding. «Oh dear, where's your mummy?» asks a woman worriedly. Marcel looks at her. And remains silent. «I didn't know what to say,» he admits sheepishly. Because Marcel and his seven-year-old sister Danielle only see their mum every other weekend. Since their parents separated and their mum moved out of the flat they shared, the two of them have been living with their father.
From the beginning, Roger Baumeler was mainly responsible for looking after the children. «My ex-wife had a better-paid job than me and had professional ambitions. So after the birth of our first child, we decided that she should work full-time,» says the trained computer scientist. He took over the care of Marcel and Danielle and worked various part-time jobs, including on the board of a childcare centre. «It was good for everyone.» They divorced three years ago. «Unfortunately, you can't say that the separation was peaceful,» says Roger Baumeler. It was clear to him that he wanted to remain the main carer for his children - after all, it was his «job».
In court, however, Marcel and Danielle were awarded to their mother in the first proceedings. A judgement that Roger Baumeler still doesn't understand today - and which was later reprimanded by the Lucerne Cantonal Court: «I had always looked after the children at home while their mother worked. Apparently, the prejudice that children always belong with their mother is extremely strong, and the real equality of men and women has hardly been recognised in such areas.» The children themselves were not asked. Roger Baumeler: «I felt totally helpless.»
Fathers have great respect for this task
According to the Federal Statistical Office, there are around 207,000 single-parent families in Switzerland. In 83 per cent of these families, the children live mainly with the mother, in 17 per cent they live with the father. According to the Federal Statistical Office, there are no comparable figures from previous years. However, in a 2009 publication («Children and Divorce - The Influence of Legal Practice on Family Transitions»), legal scholar Andrea Büchler and psychologist Heidi Simoni write that 8 per cent of children stay with their father after separation. In contrast to 86 per cent who are mainly cared for by the mother. 6 per cent lived alternately with both parents. This suggests that the number of fathers who take primary responsibility for their children is steadily increasing. Nevertheless, they are still the exception rather than the rule.
The fact that mothers continue to take on more responsibility than fathers after a separation is certainly also due to the fact that men have great respect for this task and feel overwhelmed, says Christoph Adrian Schneider, board member of männer.ch. But that's not all: «If both parents have exactly the same qualifications to take care of the children, you just have to make a decision,» says Charlotte Christener, lawyer and President of the KESB Bern. «If alternating custody is not an issue, I can well imagine that, in case of doubt, the children are more likely to be awarded to the mother.
Perhaps the fact that - from a purely legal point of view - it is always certain who the child's mother is, while in most cases there is no proof that the father is the biological father, plays a role here,» says the lawyer, adding: «However, we at the KESB Bern endeavour to ask which solution is in the best interests of the child in every case in a gender-neutral way.»
After Roger Baumeler contested the judgement, the children were heard. Their statements were clear.
The trio masters everyday life without any problems
After Roger Baumeler challenged the judge's decision, the children were heard. Marcel and Danielle's statements were clear: «We want to live with Daddy!" Daddy has much more time for them than mummy, explains Marcel. "He does things with us, cooks and helps with homework.» Of course he misses his mummy sometimes. «But it's actually not that much different than before.» The children spend every other weekend with their mum. The handover still takes place with the support of a specialist agency, coordinated by a visiting rights counsellor. Although the parents share custody, communication between them doesn't work. «But that's our problem, not the children's, and I make every effort to separate the two,» says Roger Baumeler.
The trio copes with everyday life without any problems. Even if he has to listen to stupid remarks from time to time because he receives alimony from the mother of his children, says Baumeler, who now works 50 per cent time as a vocational school teacher. Does his daughter sometimes lack a female carer? «Well, for a while she was randomly asking women if they wanted to marry her dad. But since I've had a new partner, she's stopped doing that,» says Roger Baumeler with a laugh. Danielle grins broadly and shows a large gap between her teeth. «There's nothing I wouldn't tell my dad,» she says, «it's fine the way it is.»
Eight-year-old Bradie thinks so too. Especially as it was just his birthday and this fact considerably expanded the Lego collection in his room. Only one present is still missing. «I'm getting a special Ninjago set from Mummy next time I'm at her house,» he says excitedly. A year ago, his parents' relationship broke down and since then Bradie and his brother Quentin, 10, have been living with their father André Schaffner.
When the couple split up, it was clear that she was moving out. Without the children.
Just like Roger Baumeler, Schaffner was already at home with the children. A good three years ago, the trained sign painter and his then girlfriend decided to swap roles. «I could always imagine it, and she wanted to work more, so we gave it a go and it worked out perfectly.» When the couple split up, it was clear that she would move out and he would stay in the flat they shared with the children. The amazing thing is that André is not Quentin's biological father. «He came into my life when he was 18 months old. For me, he is my son,» emphasises André Schaffner. And: «We would never have separated him from his brother.»
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The boys spend every Sunday with their mum, Quentin spends every other weekend with his biological father, whom he calls «Dädi» - and that's what Bradie calls him too! Quentin's parents share custody of him, while André has residency rights. He shares custody of Bradie with his ex-partner. «Everything is okay between us, we agree when she brings the boys home on Sunday evenings,» says André.
They go to parents' evenings in pairs. «Quentin's father came along once. That made me feel a bit strange - even though people know us in the village by now,» admits André with a laugh, tousling his eldest's hair.
«I miss everyday life with my sons»
Quentin smiles and bites the gold chain dangling around his neck. On it hangs a star sign pendant, a pair of scales. Quentin's star sign is not Libra. «But Mummy's is,» he says quietly. Would he sometimes prefer to live with her? He shrugs his shoulders. «Sometimes. But sometimes not.» All that glitters is not always gold.
Fabienne Zollinger, mum to Quentin and Bradie, knows this too. «Of course there are advantages for me. Fewer discussions with the children, less responsibility,» she says, «but they don't make up for the price I pay. I miss everyday life with my sons, the little moments when they come to me in the morning, for example, sleepy, or when I put them to bed at night.» Nevertheless, she is convinced that the decision to let the boys live with their father was the right one: "André is a great father and has centred his whole life around the boys. I couldn't do them justice like he does."
«As a single father, you are a magnet for women»
quips André Schaffner
Fabienne Zollinger says she doesn't get any weird looks or even hostility: «People are more curious because our constellation doesn't correspond to the norm.» André Schaffner hasn't had any bad experiences in everyday life either. «On the contrary, as a single father you're a magnet for women,» he jokes. He hardly has time to get to know anyone - he only has time for himself on Sundays when the boys are with their mum. «My social life is limited. But that's okay, I don't miss anything,» says André Schaffner. His biggest goal? «That my sons will one day say: "We had a great childhood!»
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