«We parents do less wrong than we think»

Mrs Zanoni, in which situations are parents particularly stressed?

These can be very different situations. Many people are challenged to reconcile work and family life, and a lot is demanded of mums and dads today. These are often moments when the child has a need and cannot express it properly verbally. They are tired or hungry but don't say so, instead whingeing or starting arguments with their siblings. The parents' adrenalin levels rise. The solution is often obvious.

What do you think parents can do?

Parents should not go into a confrontation with the child, but should first take a step back and see what the child really needs at the moment. I've noticed, for example, that many children go crazy around 11 o'clock in the morning because they're hungry. But they don't even realise they are hungry. If you simply offered them something to eat at 10.45 a.m., the situation would automatically relax.

That sounds obvious. However, many mothers and fathers find it difficult to recognise the child's actual need behind their behaviour, as they themselves have to cope with many demands. So instead of relaxing the situation, they become impatient and scold the child.

Physical and verbal aggression is always a sign of excessive demands and helplessness. And in such moments of stress, the subconscious reacts and behavioural patterns are called up that you experienced first-hand as a child and from which you may have suffered yourself.

It hurts many parents when they realise that they have said or done something to their child that they never actually wanted to.

And then we react in a way that we actually reject.

That's right. And it hurts many parents when they realise that they have said or done something to their child that they never actually wanted to. It takes a few generations for these patterns to develop. Fortunately, many parents today are very reflective and try to do better.

How do you do it better?

We mothers and fathers have the task of reacting when we realise that we are reaching the limit of our patience. I like to compare this to a traffic light: we should react when our inner traffic light changes from green to orange and not just when it turns red. Then it's too late. There are methods that help us to do this.

It's usually not the children who need the famous timeout, but the parents.

What are they?

One measure would be to take a step back - both figuratively and literally. I go out onto the balcony for an espresso or simply into another room. It's usually not the children who need the famous timeout, but the parents, to calm down a bit, to be able to feel themselves, to ask themselves: What is stressing me out? What do I need right now? Maybe it's that the children need to be quiet for a moment, to shout less. And then I have to tell them that clearly, convincingly, but also decently - without shouting.

Do you have any other tips?

Let's take the classic example: the child whinges because it wants something it's not supposed to have. The father gets involved in discussions, puts the child off until later, is not clear in his statements and the child goes on and on. At some point, the father's patience runs out. It would be better if he had said a clear and unambiguous no at an early stage. Because the clearer I am as a parent, the easier it is for my child to accept a «no».

Why is that?

Children pay very close attention to non-verbal signals. If the father or mother is clear in their signals - i.e. facial expressions, gestures and words match - the child can immediately read that this really applies.

So parents don't have to say everything a hundred times until the child reacts, they should have an inner attitude that is clear. That way, the signal comes across correctly and the child knows where they stand. To achieve this, as a parent I don't have to be harsh or angry - on the contrary: I come across as calm and firm and yet I don't reject my child. This clarity gives the child a sense of security.

Five minutes is as long for a five-year-old child as three hours is for us.

I recently observed a scene on a bus journey. Father, mother and a five-year-old child. The boy was whingeing that he was so hungry and really wanted to eat the biscuits the family had bought. The parents calmed the child down and told him that they would be at Grandma's in five minutes and there would be something to eat. After some back and forth, the boy simply took the biscuit out of his pocket and took a bite.

How did the parents react?

The father was quite angry and threatened to cancel dessert that evening. Instead, the mother announced that the child would have to go to the bakery with her to replace the Weggli.

A typical example of how a child can feel. The boy had probably been hungry for a while. Five minutes is as long for a five-year-old child as three hours is for us. It was probably just too much for him. The boy must have realised that his parents were angry, but he grabbed it anyway.

From a child's point of view, this is perfectly understandable: I'm really hungry, why can't I eat a Weggli, that's why we bought it? Now this situation can be handled in different ways. Buying a new one with the child would be a logical consequence. The child realises that the parents are actually not happy that I did this. I won't be punished for it, but there will be consequences.

How would you have reacted?

I would probably have said: «Okay - then eat when you're hungry. It's important for you now.» But there is no right or wrong in this case, and the parents' reaction is understandable. We parents do much less wrong than we think. The children will almost certainly develop well anyway.

In your book «Elternmantras» you quote various parenting experts. Each quote fills a page of the book, and you explain and categorise the sentence on the back of each page.

The quote is intended as a mantra for stressful everyday situations and the longer explanation at the back for reflection in the evening or when the storm has subsided. The experts I have interviewed in this book are all united by the following basic idea: every child is different and every child is allowed to be who they are. You can't compare children with each other, not even siblings.

The longer I work with children, the more I realise that our society's idea of feasibility - you just have to raise the child well enough and then you'll get them there and then - is nonsense. Because a lot of things are rooted in the child's disposition, and you realise this at the latest when you have more than one child: The same parents, the same environment - and the children can be so completely different in their personalities.

Today, the importance of a good relationship between parents and children is emphasised.

The relationship between parents and children is the be-all and end-all - if I have a good relationship with my child, they accept me as a leader, and I think that's important. This also applies to the school environment. If a teacher can build a good relationship with their pupils, they will be accepted as an authority figure. If a teacher can't do that, for whatever reason, then there's chaos in the classroom and the teacher can't fulfil their leadership role.

So are relationships taking the place of good old-fashioned education?

A good relationship is the basis - but after that come rules, guard rails within which you can move. It must be clear to everyone: This or that is important to us as a family. And I might set these guard rails differently for my children than you do for yours. Every family is different and children know exactly: these rules apply at home, others apply at the grandparents' house, and still others apply at the neighbours' or at school.

In the past, the standards of what is right and wrong were narrower. Are parents more insecure today because of this?

I don't know. They certainly don't have to be. The majority of parents do an excellent job. I just wish they had a little more composure. Wanting to do everything right often leads to tension. Is this the right thing to do? Or am I doing everything wrong and will my child be totally wrong afterwards? I would like to say to very reflective parents in particular: take a deep breath, you're already doing very well, you can be relaxed sometimes. This will also be passed on to your children, who will then learn to deal with stress better.

What is your personal favourite mantra from your book?

There are a few. To name one: «Children learn to make good decisions by making decisions, not by following rules.» This sentence comes from the American author Alfie Kohn and it also reflects my attitude: children should also be allowed to make their own decisions.

However, this does not mean that children are allowed to decide everything and ultimately determine everyday family life. But we know from research that children and young people who are allowed to have a say have much better social behaviour. They are more involved in the community and handle things more carefully. One example: If we buy a new sofa as a family and the children are allowed to give their opinion on what they like and what is important to them, they are more likely to take better care of the sofa later on.

The classic: It's cold and rainy, but the child wants to go on a family outing in shorts. Should I let them?

Yes, but we're not talking about a two-year-old child here. But the older a child gets, the more they should be allowed to decide for themselves. With a teenager, you can assume that they have already experienced what 12 degrees feels like in shorts. And that is precisely the crux of the matter: is a child allowed to have these experiences? Or are they denied this opportunity by their parents?

Educating at eye level does not mean that we let the child get away with everything.

My suggestion: leave the child alone and tuck in the long trousers as a foresighted mother. If they do decide to wear them on the way, this should be done without any fuss. A parent-child relationship should contain elements of partnership in which you support each other without constantly emphasising the hierarchy along the lines of: «You didn't want to listen and now you're getting the bill.»

A partnership relationship with a child involves many discussions. These can sometimes be tiring for parents.

That is the case. But raising children at eye level doesn't mean that we let the child get away with everything. On the contrary. Only if we show the child our boundaries will they learn how to look after themselves. They learn something for life. Parents come to me for counselling and say: «I have to tell my child everything a hundred times, it just won't listen to me.»

A mother or father must be clear about this: Where is my limit?

What advice would you give these parents?

I tell them: «You can decide now and today: We'll only say everything three more times, then that's it.» The child will be irritated at first, but will quickly get used to it afterwards. I know it sounds harsh, but we parents have it in our hands. As already mentioned, it depends on our inner attitude.

Let's talk about this inner attitude again.

A mother or father must be clear about this: Where is my boundary? And he or she must communicate this clearly and unambiguously. The child immediately senses: Oops, mum is serious. Of course, this boundary also depends on the mood of the day, it doesn't happen the same way every day. It doesn't have to be, we're all only human and children can deal with that.

They argue that parents should take the time to recognise their own needs. This is the only way they can recognise the child's needs. But how do you do that? The job is demanding, then there are the demands of school, the organisation of holiday care and the child's hobbies.

Balancing all of this is a huge task for parents. This makes it all the more important for parents to be able to take stock and reflect: What do I need to deal with my child in a positive way? Perhaps it's worth making space in your busy diary for meditation, yoga or walks in the woods. Or talk to someone you trust, for example other mums and dads with children of the same age.

What if I often feel overwhelmed? When is the point at which I should get help?

When you get caught up in a negative spiral as a mum or dad. Some parents tell me that they are already stressed in the morning when they see their own child. Along the lines of: «Oh no, here we go again!» You should act at the latest when you can no longer tolerate your child. The traffic light may already be red, but it's never too late to get back into a positive relationship with your child! Seeking external help is not a sign of failure. On the contrary: I take my responsibility as a mother or father seriously and educate myself by seeking advice.