We have children later

There is no question that there have always been late fathers, as well as women who have had a «latecomer» after the age of 40. But what used to happen in isolated cases is increasingly becoming the norm.

More and more women and men are postponing having children for professional or private reasons. Late first-time parents over 35 are now almost the norm in all affluent countries. The number of so-called last-minute parents, who only become parents when they are over 40, is also increasing every year. There are institutional and individual reasons for the trend towards late first-time parents, which will be discussed here. But what consequences does late parenthood have on children's development?

The statistics show that many women and men today have fewer children than they originally wanted.

In medical terms, first-time mothers over the age of 35 are already classed as high-risk pregnancies. If late parents want a second child, this is often difficult, so that late-born babies often grow up as only children - like 7-year-old Rick, for example. «From my age, I was against having another child,» recalls his mother Valérie Sigrist. She had to fulfil her desire to have children with the help of artificial insemination. «Besides, I didn't want to put myself through the physical strain of such an operation a second time.»

The 47-year-old is not alone in this. «Many women and men today have fewer children than they originally wanted,» says Andrea Mosimann from the Federal Statistical Office (FSO). This is also reflected in the birth rate. While the birth rate in Switzerland was still 2.0 children per woman in 1971, it has fallen since then - according to the FSO - and has remained relatively stable at 1.5 children per woman since 2009.

Do late parents parent differently?

Even though late parenthood has long since developed from a special case to the norm, many mums and dads-to-be at a more mature age are faced with questions and a certain amount of uncertainty: How will I be towards my children? Will I be more anxious and worried than I would have been in my late 20s? Or simply more relaxed? In other words, what influence does late motherhood or fatherhood have on parenting or family life?
«Parenting is an interplay of various aspects and the age of the parents is one of several factors,» says Dominik Schöbi, Professor of Psychology and Head of the Interdisciplinary Institute for Family Research at the University of Fribourg. It is therefore generally difficult to judge the significance of the age of the mother or father in isolation. If you compare a young parent couple living in a rather conservative rural environment with a young parent couple in the city, there may be a greater difference in parenting behaviour than with late parents in the countryside. The social structure plays an important role.

Added to this are the partnership and family conditions, such as the number and succession of children. However, whether parents are more humorous or more imaginative, for example, depends more on their personality. Schöbi: «Parenting behaviour is primarily a question of the parents' personality, their individual life situation and their socio-economic circumstances. However, the last two aspects also correlate with age.»

Better framework conditions for children later parents

Women in their 20s usually have better health conditions for a risk-free pregnancy than women over 30, which means they can often offer their children a more optimal life situation. In most cases, late parents have a higher level of education and are already further along in their professional development. «As a result, the majority of children are born into a better socio-economic context,» says Schöbi.
«Money doesn't make you happy, but a secure financial foundation takes the pressure off and has a positive effect on the family situation. It also makes it easier for them to finance their children's education, extra tuition and hobbies, as well as take advantage of childcare services. Those who can provide their children with more intellectual support and stimulation make it easier for them to access a better education and higher qualifications,» says the psychologist.

Late parents also tend to have more experience when it comes to relationships.

«Young parents who are still in training or studying themselves usually find it harder to achieve their professional goals,» says Dominik Schöbi. Simone Meyer, 48, has experienced this first-hand. When her first daughter Fleur was born, she was already 31, but was writing her doctoral thesis and in the middle of her specialist training.
«For this, I had to work as a junior doctor with a 50 per cent workload at the hospital. But that was impossible without childcare. There was no crèche either at the hospital or in the village where we lived. My parents were also unable to take the pressure off me as they were still working themselves.» She also had to work a lot of overtime. Simone Meyer initially cancelled her training and her dissertation.

«Young parents are often more vulnerable to poverty,» emphasises Pasqualina Perrig-Chiello, honorary professor emeritus of developmental psychology at the University of Bern. They are also more preoccupied with themselves and therefore more likely to be overwhelmed in some situations.

Life experience brings serenity

Parents in their mid-30s have already achieved some of their goals, have been able to live out their lives and travel. «They are therefore better able to put their own needs on the back burner without constantly feeling like they are missing out on something,» says Dominik Schöbi.

For Valérie Sigrist, children were not an issue until her late 20s. «I saw how my friends had to put their wishes and plans for the family on the back burner. Today, at 47, I can concentrate fully on Rick.» Greater life experience can help late parents to react more understandingly and generously in stressful family situations, says Schöbi. In addition, older parents are usually more self-reflective.
When it comes to relationships, late parents have also usually gained more experience, put disappointments behind them and got to know themselves better. «A late relationship is not inherently more stable. You may have known each other for less time and perhaps decide to have children sooner because time is pressing,» says Susanne Wüthrich, 44. She became a mother at 37 and now has three children aged between 2 and 7. «But you are more mature, more rational and more willing to work on a relationship than a young person.»

Late first children are usually wanted and the result of a decision that has been weighed up over a long period of time. «As a result, they often receive different attention than children of younger parents,» emphasises psychologist Dominik Schöbi. «Their parents therefore enjoy being with them more consciously.»

Susanne Wüthrich says that she wanted children for a long time and suffered two miscarriages. «I am all the more grateful for my children today. As a young woman, motherhood would probably have been more natural for me. Now that I have achieved my professional goals, my children are no longer such a «restriction» for me and I am very happy with my family situation.»

The price of caring

In the negative case, however, the focus is too much on the late children. «It's obvious that older parents tend to be helicopter parents,» says developmental psychologist Perrig-Chiello. Although there is still no age-correlated data on this, the fact is that older mums and dads are not only more deliberate, but often also more cautious and anxious. «The children sense this and also behave less spontaneously.» This means stress for both sides because it leads to the children remaining less independent.

In addition, the better economic conditions could later tempt parents to spoil their offspring. And last but not least, there is a danger that more mature parents project their own wishes and demands too much onto the child.

For Schöbi, there is no question that parents over 35 are less physically capable than at 23, are less able to cope with a lack of sleep, get tired more quickly and reach their limits. However, he does not want to make a general judgement from this. «Thanks to their better general conditions, late parents can certainly keep fit.» In addition, they have often developed strategies for themselves on how to cope more easily with the dual burden of family and career.

The generational difference is evident in the way technology is used

André Notter, 64, lives separately from his ex-wife Simone Meyer and has two children with her. «It was difficult at first to have little time for myself and, as a teacher, to be surrounded by pubescent children at home as well as at school. But I've learnt to give my children space when they want something from me instead of just reacting half-heartedly. If I put my things to one side and devote myself to them, they can make their requests and the relationship is right for them. Then I have space for myself again.»
One area in which the generational differences between late parents and their children often become apparent is technical skills: «I notice that we grew up in different worlds, especially when it comes to new media,» says Susanne Wüthrich. Her children are «digital natives», while she and her husband only learnt about new media as adults.
«Digitalisation can be a challenge for older parents. However, how you deal with it is more a matter of attitude and depends on your personality,» says psychologist Dominik Schöbi. It can also be enriching when children have skills in which they are ahead of their parents.

Older mothers and fathers are not only more considered, but often also more cautious and anxious.

But what effect does it have on children when their own father looks more like their grandfather than their girlfriend's father? «Parents always belong to a different generation,» says Dominik Schöbi. For young children, the visual difference doesn't matter anyway. And during puberty, it is more of an advantage because it makes it easier for children to differentiate themselves from their parents. In middle age, on the other hand, it can unsettle children if their own parents differ from those of their friends. It is important that the parents themselves deal with it calmly.

When puberty and the menopause coincide

However, due to the greater generation gap, the child's puberty and the mother's menopause can coincide. «If mood swings and increased sensitivity occur on both sides, conflicts are inevitable,» says Perrig-Chiello. «Because children need guidance, reliability and a zest for life during puberty.» The relationship must not be reversed. If late parents reach their limits too quickly, this inevitably has an effect on their children.

The problem of the «resource» of grandparents

Women and men who become parents late in life often find themselves in a sandwich position. When Simone Meyer commuted back and forth several times a week last year to support her father, who had cancer, she reached her limits. «Sometimes she would get angry at little things. We realised that she was more stressed and under time pressure. The triple burden - her job, us children and her grandfather - was palpable,» recalls her daughter Juna.

If grandparents are already retired when their grandchildren are born, they may have more time, but they can no longer relieve their adult children for as long. Grandparents are a very important resource in Switzerland because, according to the FSO, they are the main carers in 42% of cases. Susanne Wüthrich: «My father is already 83 and my mother 76, both of whom need our help more now. Unfortunately, they won't live to see their grandchildren start their education. My parents were also late parents for their time, so the problem is multiplied for us.»

In some cases, the children no longer see their grandparents at all. «This means they lose the chance to get to know their parents from a different perspective, because the grandparents are the family memory,» says Pasqualina Perrig-Chiello. «There are photos of my older siblings with their grandparents during the school holidays,» says Juna. «I'm a bit jealous of that. My brother and I only visited them at weekends.» Grandparents also often have a balancing effect, have time and patience, provide additional stimulation, give a sense of security and are a central point of contact for gatherings of the whole family.

«Late children are quick to view their parents' health with a certain amount of concern,» says Dominik Schöbi. Having to deal with their transience as early as puberty is stressful. Juna, the 11-year-old daughter of André Notter, 64, says: «If my father died at 90, I would only be 37. When his mother died at 93, he was 60, which I would prefer. But I hope he stays healthy.» Pasqualina Perrig-Chiello believes that a child should have the freedom to be a child, without worries and fears of loss.

The transience of family happiness

For parents over 40, it can happen that the children have a mother or father with dementia at the age of 25. «Whether late parental happiness is possible should therefore also be a psychological question,» says the psychotherapist from Bern. For some children, it could mean losing a parent in their late teens.

The ability to give your own children love and closeness is independent of age.

But the parent's perspective is not an easy one either: «I don't know how much of my life I will share with my children and what I will still be able to experience from them,» says Susanne Wüthrich. «These are hard facts. All the other aspects of late parenthood were not serious enough for me to influence my decision. I want to be there for my children for as long as possible, so I exercise a lot and eat very consciously.» This health awareness is typical of late parents, says Dominik Schöbi.

«As biological limits restrict late parenthood, the average age for starting a family will probably stabilise around 30, only the decimal points may vary,» says sociologist Bettina Isengard. In her view, the age at which a family is started is an individual decision between two people, which they make after weighing up the costs and benefits.

The cliché of the perfect time

It is a cliché that there is a right time to have a child. It's not about pitting young parents against older ones. Both have their advantages and disadvantages. The ability to give your children love and closeness is independent of age. «There are advantages for children of later parents, but they are moderate. Apart from the biological risks, there is no evidence of significant disadvantages,» emphasises Dominik Schöbi, referring to the current study situation. And the age of the parents should not be viewed in isolation as an educational factor, as it is not relevant enough for that.

Parents over 40 may have a mother or father with dementia when they are 25 years old.

«However, future parents should be aware of the critical aspects of mature parenthood,» says Perrig-Chiello, «and act in the interests of the child.» Everyone needs to ask themselves: Where will I be when my child is ten years old, where will they be when they are twenty? In individual cases, however, there is no guarantee that even younger parents will be able to accompany their children into old age.

Weighing up the costs and benefits

«It is crucial that both partners have thought about when to start a family and are in agreement,» adds Dominik Schöbi. Simone Meyer: «Apart from biological limits, the right time to start a family depends entirely on the individual's life path. Looking back, I have to realise that life cannot be planned, but is unpredictable. If everyone waited for the ideal time when everything was stable in their lives, humanity would have already died out. You can never foresee everything.»

Read more in the dossier «Late parents»:

• «The joy outweighs all the stressful aspects»
  Simone Meyer, 48, and André Notter, 64, both have children from their first marriage. Their children Melvin and Juna are 13 and 11 years old. Simone and André now also live separately.

• «My mum has a hard time with some teenage expressions»
  Juna Meyer, 11, and her brother Melvin live with their mum Simone, 48, and spend every other weekend with their father André, who is retiring this year.
• «Some of our friends and acquaintances are already grandparents»
  Susanne Wüthrich, 44, met her husband Daniel, 51, late in life. She now has three children with him, Noel, 7, Anna, 4, and Emilie, 2.