«We are not giving up on David»

"The worst thing was the powerlessness. This feeling of wanting to do everything and yet being unable to do anything. I've been living with this feeling for more than 15 years now, and I've never got used to it. David, our older son, was fifteen and a half years old when he suddenly started smoking weed heavily. I realised straight away that it could be dangerous. David has always been a daredevil: In everything he did, whether skiing, swimming or partying with colleagues, he threw himself into it all, taking big risks. When he brought home bad grades more and more often and money was suddenly missing from our wallets, we sought help from an addiction counselling service. But all attempts to talk to David sensibly failed. The addiction was quicker. He was soon on cocaine, then on heroin. And unreachable for us. For years, we tried everything to help him. Motivated him again and again, got his problems out of the way, gave him money. And we were constantly worried that he might accidentally inject too much.

I didn't talk to anyone about David's problems for a long time. A child addicted to drugs? That was a taboo subject, a stigma. I'm actually a cheerful person, but I was in a terrible state. It took a lot of effort to pretend. Many people noticed something, friends and colleagues asked what was going on. But I played it cool and left the room when friends with children of the same age told me about their successes. Our younger son also had a phase where he tried things out a bit. Once he drank too much alcohol and got stoned, he was high on the sofa and I couldn't get him awake. I almost lost it, I shouted at him and was totally panicked - that was the only time I lost it like that, but it showed me that I had to look after myself. A key experience for me was when I realised how much our younger son was suffering from all of this. And the realisation that I wanted to grow old with my husband, not with our son, who was suffering from drug addiction and around whom everything revolved at the time. We realised that we could no longer help each other during this phase.

That's why we finally went to see a psychologist. Thanks to her, I then dared to be more open about my son's addiction. That took a lot of pressure off. The question of why still haunts me to this day. Of course, you constantly think about what you could have done differently, where you might have reacted wrongly, which situation should have been more relaxed - but that's all speculation. It is what it is and we have to deal with it. This includes not giving up on David despite all the disappointments, lies and despair; we still keep in touch. And we spend quality time together on a low-threshold basis: once a year we all go on a skiing holiday together. David substitutes with methadone during this time.

The experiences of the past few years have brought us closer together as a family. The way we deal with each other and with others has changed, we are more reflective, name problems that exist and show understanding for each other. That was a long process and I don't know if we would be at the same point today if life with David hadn't brought us there."

*Names changed

Read more in the "Addiction" dossier:

• «Mrs Dobler, how can parents talk to their children about addiction?»
  Addiction expert Sabine Dobler explains when and how parents can talk to their children about problematic consumer behaviour.
• Alcohol, tobacco, digital media - what parents should know
  Adolescents can come into contact with many substances and behaviours that are addictive. These are the most common ones.