Unsure about parenting? That's a good sign!

Many parents today feel insecure when dealing with their children. We ask ourselves questions and question ourselves: «How should I set boundaries for my child? How do we deal with the issue of media consumption? How open should we be as parents? How do we guide our child through school? What do I need to do to prepare my child for the future? When is my child old enough to go out? Have I reacted correctly? Why don't I have more patience? Should I pay attention to a healthier diet? Where can I let my child do things and where do I need to intervene?»

This uncertainty is interpreted by many as weakness: Parents today have lost their intuition, can no longer rely on their instincts, can no longer think for themselves and need a counsellor for every crap.

When we talk about intuition, we often mean innate parental instincts. However, these are relatively rudimentary in humans and mainly relate to how we interact with infants. In addition, our instinctive behaviour is still designed to prepare our children for a life as hunters and gatherers.

Barbie drama in the supermarket

When our children run riot in the supermarket because they want the new Barbie, spend too long on their smartphones or start studying for their exams too late, our innate programme falls short. Let's take the first situation: the 4-year-old cries and shrieks in the supermarket because she wants the Barbie. In this situation, our stress system is activated - as parents, we are tense. If we let our impulses guide us, we are likely to react unfavourably. We may primarily feel ashamed because others are ogling us. This can tempt us to buy the Barbie - not because we think it makes sense, but because we want to end this unpleasant situation as quickly as possible. Anger may also come to the fore and cause us to shout at the child or give them the cold shoulder and simply leave them and walk away. Maybe we make it easy for ourselves and lie to the child: «I don't have enough money with me.»

When the child cries, we should behave empathetically. To do this, we need to be able to control our own emotions.

A mature reaction would be, for example, to realise that a child first has to learn how to deal with frustration. If it has an urgent desire, it is difficult to detach itself from it and endure the feelings associated with it.

As a parent, we could empathise with the child, hold them in our arms, stay close to them and verbalise their feelings - «I know you'd love that right now» - while we move on, endure the crying and don't buy the Barbie. We have to regulate our own emotions in the knowledge that the child will be better able to calm down in the long term if we remain calm ourselves. This competent reaction demands an incredible amount from us as parents. We realise this when we no longer succeed as soon as we ourselves are too stressed, tired or irritable.

Uncertainty can be healthy!

In these situations, we cannot rely on instincts, but at best on intuition. However, intuition in this sense refers to experiential knowledge. Reacting competently is easier for people who have often had the opportunity to experience this way of dealing with children first-hand. Be it because their own parents have reacted in this way or because they have often witnessed how others deal with children in this way.

For everyone else, it's hard work. Not only do they have to fight their initial impulses, it also feels unnatural to them. And whenever something feels new and not natural, insecurities arise. If we want to find our own attitude when dealing with our children, reflect on ourselves and take our own values into account, we have to go on a search and endure our own insecurities.

To make matters worse, today we no longer have a valid doctrine on what constitutes good or even proper parenting. Instead, we find a sea of recommendations on seemingly simple topics such as sleeping, dealing with defiance or media consumption, some of which could not be more contradictory.

This is because experts also represent a certain value model and have an ideal or objective in relation to people and their development. Many values are in tension with each other, for example adaptation and self-determination. Such values often form a continuum, whereby experts are of particular interest to the media when they takeextreme positions and demand, for example, that children should conform or that the self-determination of the individual child should be prioritised above all else. The value system on which the respective opinion is based is rarely made transparent.

Control question for expert advice: Would I want this person to be my children's teacher?

When we read parenting guides, we will not get a definitive answer as to what is right or wrong. Instead, we should listen to ourselves and ask ourselves whether this author or expert represents values and goals that we can identify with. I myself often find it helpful to make a rough assessment by asking myself: «Would I want this person to be the teacher of one of my children next year?» It is not only normal that we often feel insecure. It can also be healthy!

We all know people who have a simple answer for everything. Conspicuous behaviour? Just crack down! Climate change? Doesn't exist, it snowed in April. In psychology, we talk about the Dunning-Kruger effect, which refers to the fact that the less knowledge and expertise we have in an area, the more confident we feel. We overestimate ourselves and don't realise that others know better.

This effect can even be seen in individual areas of life: The doctor gets upset that individual patients think they can make a better diagnosis than him after a quick Google search. In the evening at the football match, the same doctor is annoyed by the idiot coach and thinks he knows much better how to do his job.

Uncertainty often signifies progress. It can be a sign that we are realising that reality is complex, that there are no definitive answers and that we have to find our own way - detours and wrong turns included. People are complex, the question of what they should become and how to accompany them on this path is a question so big that it would be presumptuous to make more than a few good guesses.