«Unimaginable how crisis-proof children can become»

Georges Morand, how did you experience the separation from your then wife?

Georges Morand: Alongside my job, my family was my big dream. I had to say goodbye to this dream and what I had wanted for my children growing up. I could hardly categorise the whole situation. There was so much anger, sadness and despair. I was overwhelmed. Suddenly I had to find a way to deal with it for myself and at the same time think about how the children would manage. I also had to continue working 100 per cent and didn't know how to do it all.

Have you been worried about the children?

Georges Morand: Yes. A broken home is always difficult for children. I know that a perfect living environment is not necessary, but I felt that our separation could have been avoided.

Did the separation come as a surprise to you?

Nadine: Yes. Mum and Dad never argued in front of us. They were often a role model for other couples around us. I was 19 at the time and had a very close relationship with my mum and would never have thought that she could just fall in love again like that. I think that's why it was particularly tragic, because my parents had been such a good team before.

Dad needs us more than our colleagues at parties.

Nicola : I can still remember the day we found out that Mum had fallen in love again. It was a huge shock. After the emotional conversation, my father told me that he was cancelling us from school for that day. But I still wanted to go and carry on as normal. I realised at school that it wasn't that easy. But in the first few months, we all hoped that our parents would get back together and everything would be fine.
Viola : But when we realised that we couldn't stay together as a family, it was an unbelievable tragedy for us children. We cried a lot. I could hardly imagine what lay ahead of us, how it would feel to be at home without our mum and when normality and «everyday life» would return.

How did you deal with it?

Patric: A world collapsed for me. I fell into a hole, was angry and couldn't understand it. We lost part of the family and I couldn't deal with that.
Nicola : In the beginning, we all just had to function. As Dad always said, we were now a flat share and everyone had to pitch in. The household chores were divided up: cooking, doing the laundry, cleaning.
Viola: My twin brother Nicola and I certainly gave up a bit of our puberty. Others went out at the weekend, we preferred to return to normality and «everyday life» at home.

How did you deal with it?

Patric : A world collapsed for me. I fell into a hole, was angry and couldn't understand it. We lost part of the family and I couldn't deal with that.
Nicola : In the beginning, we all just had to function. As Dad always said, we were now a flat share and everyone had to pitch in. The household chores were divided up: cooking, doing the laundry, cleaning.

There are people who have experienced much worse and have made it through.

Viola: My twin brother Nicola and I certainly gave up a bit of our puberty. Others went out at the weekend, we preferred to be at home. We thought Dad needed us more than our colleagues needed us to party. We had to grow up faster and become independent. But we didn't think that was a bad thing.
Georges Morand: Again, that was my main concern! That they would miss out on something because they wanted to take on too much responsibility instead of just being young and pubescent. Nicola : We always had this fear: Can our dad do it? Can he keep it up? We thought we had to take as much off his shoulders as possible.

What has helped you the most during this crisis?

Nadine: Conversations with friends, distraction, God and our environment supported us. We had friends of my parents who stepped in straight away. They did our laundry, for example, and even contributed to our monthly rent. We are very grateful for that!
Viola : Our friends made a conscious effort to ensure that we were distracted, had fun and got away from home. This also gave our father some peace and quiet and time for himself. That gave me a lot of strength.

Nicola : Being a member of the Cevi (YMCA) was also an important part for us. It gave us a foundation and also distraction - experiencing something with friends. It was like a second home.
Viola : My eldest sister Nadine met her current husband during this time. He also played an important role. He initially gave up his flat for our mum so that she could move out and moved in with us. He quickly became an important member of the family.
Nadine: He has a great sense of humour and made us laugh a lot during this time. He often did things on his own with us siblings. We'd go barbecuing, play football or get in the Golf and drive around the neighbourhood.

What was it like among you brothers and sisters?

Viola: It was clear to us that we wanted to stay together as siblings and live with Dad. We grew into an inseparable unit during this time. We were able to cry and be angry together, but also experience funny moments. That gave me the feeling that things would go on and that we would make it.
Patric: It's a gift that we were a team with dad and helped each other. It was important to know that we wouldn't lose this cohesion.
Georges Morand : The kitchen was used a lot during this time, as was the parlour. Everyone was looking for warmth. We spent hours eating dinner or having Sunday brunch and talking. Not just about difficult things, but also about lots of nice things. The single rooms were not so popular at that time (laughs).

Georges Morand, you had a full-time job, four children to look after and a separation to deal with. How did you cope with this?

Georges Morand: It was nice that the children had decided in my favour, but also really difficult. I didn't know how I was going to cope with it all. I experienced the divorce as a personal failure. But we did our best, and more and more we managed to regain ground. After ten months - when everything was running smoothly again - I collapsed, I was exhausted. I was on sick leave for ten weeks, followed by a slow recovery phase. During this time, therapeutic counselling was helpful in order to reflect on the situation from a greater distance.

What did you learn in therapy?

An important thought I took away from the therapy was: «You are not responsible for protecting your children from any hardship.» Some male friendships were also very important to me. I also read a lot. In one book, I came across the sentences «You can grow from your divorce» and «Your children can also grow from your divorce». That opened up a new perspective for me. And finally, writing a diary was enormously helpful.

In your book, you also talk about a kind of basic trust that you carry within you.

I mean this feeling: «I don't know how to go on at the moment, but I will. There are people who have experienced much worse and made it through.» I don't know where I got this basic confidence from. I didn't get it from my parents. But even as a child, I had something inside me that I thought I wouldn't let anyone take away from me or break. It's a kind of inner bunker. I later read in Anselm Grün that this is called the inner space - the dignity of man.

Was there a particular turning point for you?

Viola: I found it liberating that, after years, Dad's new partner was once again someone who could be the closest carer in his life. Nicola and I felt that we no longer needed to cover this up. This made it easier to let go again. Then we could finally go through puberty in peace (laughs).
Patric : It was very important to me that mum and dad were both happy. I'm glad that today there's someone who has a special place in dad's heart again.

What advice would you give to other families in crisis?

Patric: Give each other strength, support each other and make sure that everyone involved can go to friends and experience nice things. That gives you support.
Viola: Looking back, it helped me a lot that our father was authentic. He was open about his feelings, occasionally cried, was angry and told us openly what he could and couldn't handle at the moment. So we always knew where we stood. And he admitted when he was at the end of his tether and couldn't take any more. This also made it easier for me to be honest about my feelings and show weakness. At the same time, I knew that there was also room to express feelings of happiness.

I don't know what to do next at the moment, but it's going ahead.

Georges Morand: To support the children so that they can express what they want and what they don't want. It was important to me that we can all be honest about our feelings.
Viola: We need to accept that everyone deals with a difficult life situation differently. Being able to admit to others that it takes longer for one person to be ready to take certain steps and that certain issues are more important than others.
Georges Morand: This respect for the feelings of others has always been important to us. It's also about appreciating the years before; realising that not everything is broken, that so much good remains and is stored in children's hearts. Divorce doesn't manage to destroy all that. I felt that way at first, but today I know better.

Interview partner:

Georges Morand, 57, is a theologian and coach.
Nadine, 32, currently on parental leave and mother of two children.
Patric, 30, lives and works as a gardener at the Brunegg Foundation, which offers residential, work and training places for people with disabilities.
Viola, 26, is an educator in a day care centre.
Nicola, 26, is a trainee social pedagogue.

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