«Two places of residence unsettle a child»
The reader writes:
I live with my nine-year-old son Bela separately from his father. We separated when our son was four years old. Although the separation was very stressful, we mostly agreed about Bela. We didn't take our differences out on our son.
I work for myself and the child is with a childminder three days a week. Bela goes to his father's every Tuesday evening and comes back on Thursday. We divide up the weekends. Every second Saturday he stays with his father until Sunday. During the holidays, he spends two to three weeks with him, the rest with me or with relatives.
Bela is a creative, open and flexible child and has really great qualities. At school, however, he has difficulties with self-organisation and graphomotor skills, and he has also been diagnosed with reading and writing difficulties.
« Children think and observe much more slowly than adults. »
Jesper Juul
Bela has been very demanding of me for some time now. At first, he completely shut down when I was brushing his teeth and accused me of always saying that he was still too small and stupid and that he wasn't allowed to do anything himself. This really surprised me, as I tend to be generous and trust him to do a lot of things.
In other areas, I actually treat him like a toddler. I don't know how many times I've asked him to clear out his rucksack, not to get his shoes wet on the floor, to wash his hands with soap (I'm immunocompromised), to flush the toilet and clear the dishes. But he doesn't seem to care about these things at all. His mind is somewhere else.
I don't punish him for it. Instead, I run after him and preach. That must annoy him immensely. He hates talking about conflicts and feelings and tries to avoid them. I must be doing something wrong.
In the meantime, we've agreed to talk to each other once a week. I told Bela that I would like to listen to him and be heard by him. He found that much more convincing than «I want to talk to you».
How can I change our relationship and situation? How do I know what responsibilities I can give him without overburdening him?
Jesper Juul answers:
Thank you very much for your trust and the very good description of your family situation. There is no doubt that you and your husband are taking great care of Bela's life and well-being. So what is his behaviour trying to tell you?
Towards the end of my answer I will give you my «translation» of his behaviour. I suggest that you read this to him at your next meeting. His reaction to it is the ultimate feedback for all of us.
Put yourself in the child's shoes
When parents try to do the «right thing» for their child and are very open about it, the child feels truly loved and valued in that moment. At the same time, this experience makes it impossible for the child to express their uncomfortable feelings.
I guess this experience is part of Bela's uncomfortable feelings and causes this reaction when you want to talk to him about emotions and conflicts.
Another aspect of the problem stems from your eagerness and determination to analyse and solve «problems». Children think and observe much more slowly than adults. It's often better to say, «Listen, I've been thinking about XY from this morning and I want to know what you think about it. Please let me know as soon as you know what you want to say. If you forget, I'll ask you again in a few days.»
« Children are too considerate of their parents' needs. »
From the way you describe your current family situation, I get the impression that Bela has a schedule that is too demanding for him to follow. My experience shows that most children feel that an arrangement in which the places of residence only change weekly (seven days with the father, seven with the mother) is the optimal arrangement for them. This is true until they reach puberty and are better able to adapt their schedule to their personal needs. The problem for parents is that children are too considerate of their parents' needs, adapt and therefore tend to «lie» when we ask them.
I understand your son like this: "Dear parents, I wish I could tell you how hard it is for me to live like this, but I can't find the words and I'm afraid that you'll get angry with me if I say it. Sometimes I feel like a much smaller child and behave childishly, and sometimes I just want to say NO and be cheeky. I know what you expect of me, but it's too much. I'm only nine years old."
My suggestion is that you tell him what you have written to me and ask him if he would like to hear or read what I think is going on in his head. If you and he are willing to do this, there are two options:
- Meine Worte werden ihn bewegen, und er wird Ihnen erzählen, was Sie wissen müssen. Sie und sein Vater müssen dann einen oder zwei alternative Zeitpläne erarbeiten und ihn bitten, zu wählen. Bitten Sie aber NICHT ihn um alternative Vorschläge. Dies ist Ihr Job als Eltern. Erinnern Sie sich immer daran, wie extrem loyal er Ihren Bedürfnissen gegenüber ist.
- Er widerspricht mir. In diesem Fall müssen Sie von diesem Punkt aus weitergehen und Ihre Kreativität und Flexibilität nutzen, um die Bedürfnisse aller zu kombinieren.
I wish you the best of luck!
Jesper Juul
is a family therapist and author of numerous international bestsellers on the subject of parenting and families. Born in Denmark in 1948, he went to sea after leaving school and later worked as a concrete labourer, dishwasher and bartender. After training as a teacher, he worked as a home educator and social worker and trained as a family therapist with Walter Kempler in the Netherlands and the USA. Since 2012, Juul has suffered from an inflammation of the spinal fluid and is in a wheelchair. Jesper Juul has an adult son from his first marriage and is divorced from his second marriage.
Jesper Juul writes regularly and exclusively in Switzerland for the parenting magazine Fritz+Fränzi. Order your subscription now!