Tips for the patchwork family

In our series «We ask ourselves ...», we at Fritz+Fränzi ask each other questions from the big family universe. Sales Manager Renata Canclini answers the question posed by lead author Claudia Landolt .

«Dear Reni, you live in a patchwork family. What are your tips for making this togetherness a success?»

Claudia Landolt

Dear Claudia, I think I was very lucky that so many things in my life turned out so well. I separated from my ex-husband after 17 years of marriage when my children were five and twelve years old. The divorce wasn't easy. My ex-husband moved to another canton shortly after the separation. The distance to their father's place of residence was relatively long and so the children rarely saw their father. My mum was a great support to me and my girls during this difficult time.

Looking back, this separation also had good things in store, because I was able to consciously come to terms with my relationship at the time and the separation and find myself again. I lived alone with my girls for five years and really enjoyed this «manless» time. Then I met my current partner. It was love at first sight and this love has lasted 13 years. My partner is widowed and has three children, all of whom are now grown up.

We only moved into a flat together when four of our five children had finished their education and gone their own ways. For seven years, we commuted back and forth between our homes, enjoyed holidays together as a large family and spent every weekend together at my place or his. That's how we functioned as a patchwork family.

The children were able to grow up in their familiar surroundings. This temporary way of life was good for everyone involved and brought so many exciting and enriching moments. It was important to us that the kids were not torn away from their familiar home. When we met, our children were teenagers, which is not an easy age. If we had moved in together as a large family straight away, the conflicts would probably not have been long in coming. We were both convinced of that. The separate living arrangement was right for us at the time and we would make the same decision again.

My tips for patchwork families:

1. if the situation allows, the children should be allowed to grow up in their familiar environment even after a divorce. Ideally until they have finished their education. Separate living situations can be exciting for a new relationship and parenting conflicts are less frequent. Everyday life doesn't return so quickly and the butterflies in the stomach last longer.

2. do not interfere in the upbringing of the stepchildren. This is easier said than done, but it is a golden rule. It is an advantage to contribute your opinion to the discussion if it is desired or demanded by the other person's children. Not living together makes this maxim easier, of course.

3. not wanting to be the stepchildren's new mum or dad.

4. there are always times when you go through emotional highs and lows. You can and should allow these feelings, they are simply part of a patchwork family.

5 Only when the old relationship has really been processed and finalised will it be possible to build a new love affair. You should leave the old rucksack behind and go into the future with a new and empty one. Once order and peace have returned to your life, nothing stands in the way of a new relationship.

The next question goes to Éva Berger:

«Dear Éva, with three teenagers at home, you went from being a full-time mum to working full-time again. What was that like for you?»

Renata Canclini

Renata Canclini ist Sales-Managerin beim Elternmagazin Fritz+Fränzi. Sie ist Mutter von zwei erwachsenen Töchtern im Alter von 23 und 30 Jahren und lebt im Kanton Zürich.
Renata Canclini is Sales Manager at the parenting magazine Fritz+Fränzi. She is the mother of two grown-up daughters, aged 23 and 30, and lives in the canton of Zurich.

The answer has now been published

From full-time mum back to work: Éva Berger's answer.

Previously published in the series «We ask ourselves»:

  • Chefredaktor Nik Niethammer antwortet auf die Frage: Lieber Nik, glauben deine Kinder eigentlich noch an Samichlaus und Christkind?
  • Redaktorin Florina Schwander antwortet auf die Frage: Liebe Florina, bekommen deine Zwillinge die gleichen Geschenke zu Weihnachten?
  • Leitende Autorin Claudia Landolt antwortet auf die Frage: Wie lebt es sich als Frau mit fünf Männern plus Hund?
  • Stellvertrende Chefredaktorin Evelin Hartmann antwortet auf die Frage: Wie macht ihr das mit der Zweisprachigkeit Hochdeutsch - Schweizerdeutsch?
  • Patrik Luther, stellvertretender Verlagsleiter, antwortet auf die Frage: Wie ist das, wenn die Kinder einen grossen Altersunterschied haben?
  • Florian Blumer, Leiter Produktion, antwortet auf die Frage: Wie gelingt es euch, Arbeit, Familie und Haushalt gleichberechtigt zu verteilen?
  • Bianca Fritz, Leitung Online, antwortet auf die Frage: Wie ist das eigentlich, als (noch) Kinderlose für ein Elternmagazin zu arbeiten?
  • Sales-Managerin Jacqueline Zygmont antwortet auf die Frage: Wie geht das mit dem Loslassen, wenn der Sohn (20) langsam flügge wird?
  • Sales-Managerin Corina Sarasin antwortet auf die Frage: Wie ist die Beziehung zu deinen Gottenkindern?
  • Verlagsassistentin Dominique Binder antwortet auf die Frage: Wie ist es, als Einzelkind aufzuwachsen?
  • Geschäftsführer der Stiftung Elternsein, Thomas Schlickenrieder, antwortet auf die Frage: Familie in verschiedenen Zeitzonen: Wie ist es, wenn der Sohn im Ausland studiert? 
  • Autorin Claudia Landolt antwortet auf die Frage: Was kochen für vier gefrässige Jungs?