The loss of an unborn sibling

I was pregnant twice in 2012 and lost both children in the same year. At the first miscarriage I was 6 or 7 weeks pregnant and had only just realised I was pregnant. I was sad, but I was able to deal with it. The second miscarriage, on the other hand, took a lot out of me. In hindsight, I'm glad that it happened «already» in the 13th week of pregnancy and that I didn't have to give birth still. Nevertheless, I suffered a complete breakdown - after all, a woman is never «just a little bit» pregnant. My daughter was not yet three years old at the time. How do you explain to your children what has happened, what you go through as parents - and above all: what you go through as a mum during a miscarriage? We kept quiet, as our daughter had not yet learnt about the pregnancies.

«The second miscarriage took a lot out of me.»

She visited me in hospital, but seeing her mum crying and with an IV in her arms scared her. She only stayed with me for a short time and then went back with her uncle. When did she find out? After the birth of my son in 2014, when she was four and a half. She remembered that she had visited me in hospital with her uncle once before and that they had gone to the zoo afterwards. «Do you know why I was in hospital back then?» I asked her carefully. She shook her head and I told her in simple terms that I had lost a baby and therefore had to have an operation. She was sad, but understood.

«We don't talk about the dead baby»

When she was six years old, I took her and her friend out for ice cream. Suddenly her friend said: «My mummy once had a dead baby in her tummy!» «My mummy did too!» my daughter cheered. Both girls giggled at the similarity. And I had to smile perplexedly. Tragedy suddenly becomes comedy. The gap left by the star children is palpable, as part of our family history. And then, last year, this scene at dinner: «We don't talk about the dead baby.» The sandwich stuck in my throat. «What do you mean?» I asked my daughter. She looked at me cautiously from the side. «I mean the baby that was dead in your belly.» I looked at her, somewhat uncomprehendingly. «Yes, we can talk about the baby if you like. It's not taboo.»
She hesitated. «Would I have had a brother or sister then?» «I don't know. It was too early to tell. But I'm absolutely convinced that it was a girl.» «A sister...! Wouldn't I have had my brother then?» «Well, we wouldn't have wanted to do without him. As much as he makes us laugh. That would have been a real omission, wouldn't it?» I said and smiled. She nodded. 'I wonder what it would be like if I had another sister. But I'm sure it would be too stressful for me, with the sharing and the shouting and everything." I laughed. «I'm happy to make that decision for you. Your dad and I don't want any more children. We feel like a complete family. And we're not young enough to want to keep up with three small children.» «But you're not old!» she said kindly. «No, I still feel young. But I think I should have started having children earlier if I had three.» «Can I have the cheese, please?»

Miscarriage - not an isolated case

Until I had these miscarriages myself, I didn't realise that one in three pregnancies ends prematurely before the fourth month. I didn't know anyone who had experienced this. People don't talk about it. It's actually amazing. Because for me, miscarriages are part of our family history, which I don't hide from my children either. Because even if it was only 13 weeks - this grief also needs its place. The two miscarriages also shaped the parent-child relationship: would I still treat my son the same if I hadn't lost two babies before him? After all, he is my fourth child in the family constellation. And so the loss of an unborn sibling also reverberates in their sisters and brothers. I have chosen to communicate openly about this because I think it is important that we involve the siblings in the grieving process in an age-appropriate way, where they want to be involved or where they have questions. And: shouldn't we also familiarise children with the darker sides of life and emotions? Why am I sad, why am I happy? A miscarriage should not be taboo and yet it often is. Why is that?
Picture: fotolia

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In this interview, couple and family therapist Raimondo Lettieri explains how couples cope with a miscarriage and how parents can communicate the loss of an unborn sibling to their children.