«The image of perfect parents cannot be fulfilled in everyday life»

We tell

Maël, 37, and Delia, 32, Leuenberger try to reconcile work and family life, which is sometimes criticised by others. The teacher and educationalist live in Lucerne with their children Loïn, 4, and Eliv, 2.

Delia:
"With two children and a full-time job, the lack of time often makes me feel guilty. A typical moment is when we all come home tired in the evening: You haven't seen the children all day, you're looking forward to spending a few hours together, but they're so tired that they need to sleep as soon as possible. Then, when you could be enjoying the peace and quiet, you feel guilty that the children have been left at their grandparents' or at the daycare centre or that you were impatient with them in the evening.
But my feelings of guilt started during my first pregnancy. I constantly had the feeling that I wasn't taking enough time for my unborn child, that I wasn't being present enough. When I planned to go back to work, these feelings intensified. People who doubted that the children would be okay made me feel like I wasn't fulfilling my role properly. I kept hearing: «I could never work so much and raise children at the same time», «Don't you want to spend more time with your child?», «Working 80 per cent? Who will look after the child then?» As if only the mother was responsible for childcare. Many feelings of guilt certainly arise from the construction of the perfect mother - based on books or role models. People have this image of the perfect parent, and that simply can't be fulfilled in everyday life."

Maël:
"While Delia is with the children two days a week, it's only one and a half days for me. I would love to be at home more - but I can't fulfil that at the moment. In my circle of friends, most fathers manage housework and parenting together with their mothers - and don't just help out. I also sometimes feel guilty because we have children at all. Because it's actually pure selfishness. We have them because we think it's nice and then let them out into a world with horrible politics, unjust economic systems and exploited resources.

Nevertheless, I stand by my decision in favour of children. Because the world is also beautiful; and to be a part of it is, on balance, a gift. All the more reason for me to campaign for a more social and ecological society."

Online dossier

Dieser Artikel gehört zum
This article is part of the online dossier Feelings of guilt. Read more on the topic, such as: When are feelings of guilt authentic and useful - and when are they inherited? Are we doing enough for our child? Or even too much?

Read more about feelings of guilt:

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  • «My feelings of guilt grew with the separation»
    Benno Roth*, 60, father of two daughters, 18 and 20, from Zug no longer lives with the mother of his children. To cope with this difficult time and the feelings that came with it, the headmaster needed professional help.
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    Social worker Nadja Stadelmann, 41, and car sales consultant Beat Limacher, 42, live with their daughters Luisa Ella, 9, and Joanna Emma, 7, in Wolhusen LU. As they both work, their daughters are looked after by someone else on two days of the week. This has triggered feelings of guilt, especially in Nadja.
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    Family therapist Daniel Niederberger has been studying the question of how parenting has changed since the 1960s for several years. The issue of guilt plays a major role in this.