The emptiness after the likes

It is difficult to have a serious conversation with children about social networks. This is often due to a lack of basic understanding on the part of us parents. Even if we are active on Facebook, Instagram or Whatsapp , our use is strikingly different from our children's media behaviour. While we adults have largely completed the process of finding ourselves, children and young people are in the orientation phase. They use social media as a tool to test themselves and their impact on others. For this reason, adolescents often feel misunderstood as soon as we try to point out the dangers of social media to them.

When it comes to network topics, they think we are completely clueless anyway and consider themselves the experts. That naturally offends us parents. On the other hand, children and young people feel the power of their parents and the danger of a ban. These different positions make conversations very difficult. Nevertheless, they must take place, as social networks not only harbour dangers, but also have a major impact on children's moods.

Constant urge for confirmation via mobile phone

Children and young people use social networks to build up their own online presence and thus create visibility for themselves. It takes a certain amount of courage to face the public - even if the children are usually not even aware of its dimensions. Initially, this self-presentation is still timid. But with the immediate recognition that comes in the form of likes, hearts and comments of praise, the courage to present themselves soon increases: sometimes pretty, sometimes thoughtful, sometimes lascivious with a cigarette or boisterous. Thanks to the participation of friends and acquaintances, social networks are much more personal than other online offerings and therefore more closely linked to one's own emotions.

As soon as approval is lacking in social networks, the strongest companion of adolescence is fuelled: self-doubt.

Recognition from your circle of friends is good for you. It is public, i.e. visible to everyone, and can sometimes boost self-confidence. Thanks to sharing and admiration online, some young people also dare to do more in real life. For example, jumping off a cliff into the lake - but only if someone is filming it to post. The online rewards trigger the release of happiness hormones in the brain. That's why young people are constantly reaching for their smartphones to stabilise this feeling of happiness.

On the other hand, these productions can leave an inner emptiness in the long run. Let's stay with the jump into the lake: is the swimmer now proud of his courage and his performance or of the likes? Are there still authentic experiences or are they being scrutinised for their usability online? And isn't it highly risky to make your self-esteem dependent on Instagram friends and followers, some of whom are complete strangers? It's almost impossible not to have bad experiences on social networks. But such experiences are difficult for adolescents to bear. We often don't even realise when they are being harassed by strangers with sexually explicit comments on Instagram, for example. The classic misjudgement also causes bad feelings: the photo that is categorised as funny may only trigger scorn and ridicule from others. The corresponding comments then escalate into outright bullying.

Conflicts with parents, lack of sleep and hurt feelings

Social networks also take up a lot of time that is lacking elsewhere, which leads to conflicts, for example over unfinished homework. Many girls and boys sleep significantly less because their smartphones are always at hand as a constant happiness machine, even at night. However, children and young people are most hurt when they don't receive recognition or the number of likes doesn't meet their own expectations: Does their best friend get more likes than me for some pictures? Are others prettier? Do others no longer like me? That puts pressure on you. As soon as there is a lack of approval on social networks, the strongest companion of adolescence is fuelled: self-doubt.

Staging in social media must be seen through

From the onset of puberty until it subsides, self-doubt remains firmly at their side. We adults know that it never disappears completely. During puberty, however, self-doubt can trigger sadness, helplessness, despair or great aggression. If they rage and shout, some parents feel pushed back. This is precisely when it is particularly important to stand firmly by children and young people so that they learn to deal with self-doubt . But this is easier said than done. Because at this stage of development, recognition from parents no longer helps. No matter how often we can assure our children that we think they are pretty, intelligent and courageous - it doesn't give them a boost.

They seek confirmation from their friends and acquaintances. Just like we did back then. Of course, social networks have simplified this process. For example, a boy can follow a girl online inconspicuously and remain hidden. However, it has also become more complicated because the staging on social networks has to be recognised. And this is where we parents are called upon to provide level-headed support without letting ourselves be put off. Because if we ask the distressed child what's going on, they often just give the standard answer: «Nothing.» The reason: shame, fear of not being understood or the desire to deal with the problem alone. This is the situation in which we have to stay on the ball without pressurising, so that the nest at home is stronger than the net.

The most important facts in brief

• Akzeptieren, dass Kinder und Jugendliche einen anderen Nutzen aus sozialen Netzwerken ziehen als wir.

• Mehr Verständnis für schlechte Gefühle wie Druck, Neid und Enttäuschung.
• Es ist ratsam, den Vergleich zwischen echten Freunden und Netzfreunden zu ziehen.
• Zu wenig Likes zehren am Selbstwertgefühl. Die Verkürzung auf «Likes sind nicht so wichtig» ist dabei nicht hilfreich, weil sie das Kind nicht ernst nimmt.
• Wenn es für ein waghalsiges Foto 200 Likes gibt, wie weit müsste man gehen, um 300 Likes zu erhalten?
• Kinder und Jugendliche müssen zur Ruhe kommen. Über Nacht kein Smartphone im Kinderzimmer. 

To the author:

Thomas Feibel, 56, is the leading journalist on the subject of «children and new media» in
Germany. The media expert heads the Office for Children's Media in Berlin, gives readings and lectures, and organises workshops and seminars.

Most recently, his parenting guide «Jetzt pack doch mal das Handy weg» was published by Ullstein-Verlag. Feibel is married and has four children.

Read more about media literacy:

• Medienkompetenz war gestern. Kinder brauchen Lesefähigkeit!
• Mediennutzung: Ohne Regeln keine Orientierung