Howare you? How was school? Did you do your homework? What are your plans for today? Why are you on your mobile all the time? How does TikTok work? Why are you sad?
Parents are often advised to keep talking to their children and ask them questions. Sometimes this opens a window and allows them to see the world through the eyes of a twelve-year-old. Often, however, they only receive a monosyllabic answer or a roll of the eyes, or their question leads directly to the next argument with their teenager.
Children and young people are very perceptive and quickly realise what adults are trying to achieve with their questions.
Children and young people are very perceptive and quickly notice what adults are trying to achieve with their questions: whether there is genuine interest behind them – or whether they are pursuing a specific agenda. In the fast-paced everyday life of a family, many questions are targeted. Children and young people are expected to understand something, do something or even change their behaviour.
Questions are a popular way for parents to soften the tone of a request or instruction. «Why do you always leave your school bag in the hallway?» Questions like this give the impression that children can get involved and have a say in decisions – even if this is not the case.
«The body is the best measuring instrument for classifying a question and the intention behind it,» says Daniel Bindernagel. The specialist in child and adolescent psychiatry and psychotherapy, who has his own practice in St. Gallen, has a wealth of experience with questions through his daily work.
Anyone who perceives a question as an attack or intrusive quickly switches from approach mode to defence mode. «When I feel interrogated, my body tenses up and my breathing and heart rate change.» That's why, in Bindernagel's view, the everyday phrase «How are you?» is not an ideal way to start a conversation. This is because most people find it difficult to talk about their feelings. «It's better to ask about activities or experiences,» says Bindernagel. «Then we come alive and end up talking about topics that are close to our hearts.» For example, when your daughter can tell you how she rode through the rain this morning, soaking wet, and what she experienced.
Genuine interest as a basis
According to Daniel Bindernagel, questions should ideally be short, specific, simple and open-ended. But even more important is the attitude of the questioner: a deep interest in the other person. If you really want to find out something, you can't pursue your own agenda, but must be open and engage with what the other person wants to say – even if the conversation takes an unexpected turn. Bindernagel says: «The basic principle is to leave as much control as possible to the other person and go along with them in terms of content.»
Asking the right question at the right moment is not something we are born with – yet it is a skill we need every day. That is why we start practising intensively as early as infancy. At first, it is just a questioning look from the newborn, to which the parents respond with a smile. Later, a gurgling sound or a gesture is added, and the child learns that it is sitting opposite a cat for the first time, has tasted an apple, or that the cold white flakes are snow.
It is up to parents to find out what lies behind a child's question.
With their first words, a whole new world of questions opens up: Mummy? Daddy? Bread? Glass? Which could mean: Where is she? Can you come? Is cake the same as bread? Can I have that? Normally, children receive an answer and learn that they are being listened to and that their words elicit a response.
Daniel Bindernagel has addressed the topic of communication between parents and children in several books. He states, «At the beginning, it is not the content that is important, but rather the tone and rhythm of the conversation and pauses, the back and forth; these are the foundations for a good conversation – even later on.»
6 tips for good conversations
- Talk while moving: go for a walk – at night or with an ice cream in hand, even teenagers are more likely to be persuaded. And if all else fails, hop on your bike or in your car. It's easier to talk when you're moving, and you don't have to look directly at each other, but can let your gaze wander. Shared activities also offer a good opportunity for a connecting conversation: baking a cake, playing football or going on an outing.
- Focus on the positive before addressing problems: Would you like to get to know your children from a new perspective, follow their thoughts and find out what moves them? Ask them what they enjoy doing or what positive experiences they have had. It is quite possible that problems and difficulties will then come up automatically.
- Better short than long: cultivate listening skills. It doesn't have to be long. Better to be fully present for five minutes than to only half-listen for fifteen minutes. And hold back on offering solutions to problems and sharing your life experience – teenagers in particular don't like lectures.
- No «why» questions: When asked «why»,people have to explain themselves, perhaps even justify themselves. That doesn't feel good. Proven alternatives to the «why» question: What motivated you to do that? What are your good reasons?
- Respect a «no»: young people want to have a say. If they don't feel like it, it's better to postpone the conversation. But don't give up: explain what you need, and chances are good that you'll be able to agree on a later time together.
- Genuine questions or clear statements: make a consciousdecision as to whether you are seeking dialogue or whether you are interested in taking educational measures. Choose an appropriate time, a suitable setting and the right technique – questions are not always the ideal way to start.
At three or four years of age, children enter what is known as the «why phase». Then there's no stopping them – everything becomes a question: Why is it dark? Why can birds fly? Why do trees have leaves? This is not only driven by a thirst for knowledge, but also a way of expressing their wonder at life, communicating with others and gradually finding their place in the world.
«The younger the child, the more varied the motives behind a question,» explains Bindernagel. Sometimes it is simply a matter of provoking a reaction from the listener. It is up to the parents to find out what lies behind a question.
Questions require confidence and courage
«Trust and confidence are closely linked when it comes to asking questions. Those who trust that they will be heard develop self-confidence and a sense of self-efficacy, and dare to ask questions,» says Marianne Kleiner. She has spent her entire professional life in education, as a teacher, head teacher and in teacher training.
When children start school, they already bring a lot with them. Some ask lots of questions, while others ask almost none. «That's when the school needs to take a closer look,» the educator is convinced. «Perhaps a child is more reserved by nature, or perhaps they need more support.»
Questions are immensely important for learning success. Since Marianne Kleiner entered the teaching profession almost fifty years ago, the importance of questioning in the classroom has changed. In the past, teachers were considered omniscient and led the class. Today, children explore the material themselves. They ask questions and try to develop solutions. The teacher acts as a source of inspiration and a point of contact when difficulties arise. By asking questions, pupils are challenged to put their thoughts into words. This helps them to recognise their own errors in reasoning, for example when solving a maths problem.
«You can always ask questions,» says Kleiner. This also applies outside the classroom and not only to children, but also to adults. However, you should not shy away from the answer. «When I ask a question, I listen intently,» says Kleiner. Listening – another magic word for a successful parent-child relationship, much touted in self-help books but so difficult to put into practice in everyday life.
Pay attention to non-verbal signals
Daniel Bindernagel talks about «attentive listening»: not allowing yourself to be distracted by endless to-do lists and the buzzing of your phone, but instead listening carefully to what your child is saying. And instead of immediately contributing your own ideas and advice, it is better to keep the flow of thoughts going with short, simple questions: How does that work for you? How do you do that? How does that work?
Even subtle nuances in intonation convey important information and signal where it is worth asking further questions. Marianne Kleiner recalls a situation with a student who, after an incident, responded to her questions twice with a disgruntled «Pfff». However, Kleiner recognised a subtle difference in the emphasis of the word and followed up. The student was surprised that her headmistress had apparently listened so closely. She felt taken seriously, which opened the door to a connecting conversation.
Those who trust that they will be heard develop a sense of self-efficacy.
Marianne Kleiner, Headmistress
«I don't let myself be fobbed off so easily,» says Kleiner. But if the other person doesn't want to talk, you have to respect that – in the best case scenario, you can sit together in silence. It can be particularly difficult for parents when their children no longer want to share everything with them.
In such situations, Daniel Bindernagel advises people to articulate their own needs: «This is something that concerns me. Can we talk about it sometime?» «Use «I» statements and a short, open question, but don't give a lecture, because young people in particular will tune out,» he says.
Door openers in times of crisis
But what role do questions play when it really matters? The crisis, assessment, emergency and triage centre at the Psychiatric University Hospital Zurich (Kant) cares for children and young people who are in acute crisis, from suicidal tendencies to anxiety or eating disorders to unwanted pregnancies.
Vesna Garstick has been working here as a senior psychologist for around three and a half years: «The first question is very simple: what brings the children and young people to us?» This is followed by specific questions about symptoms, history and family circumstances.
There are no right or wrong questions; it is always about relationships and trust.
Vesna Garstick, psychologist
The topic of suicidal tendencies is also addressed directly. «Caregivers are often reluctant to talk about it or fear that it could make the situation worse,» says Garstick. Yet talking about it can often be a relief. When dealing with difficult topics, the psychologist also likes to ask unexpected questions. For example, what ideas young people associate with death. Imagination opens up new spaces and offers fruitful starting points for conversation.
« There are no right or wrong questions, no simple recipe, but it's always about relationships and trust,» emphasises Garstick. In the emergency facility, the same applies as at home: presence and genuine curiosity. Let everything be explained to you and show compassion – but at the same time, don't get carried away by emotions. «The children and young people must be able to rely on the fact that they can confide everything in me and that I can handle it, won't trivialise it and won't break down,» says Garstick.
Equally important: timing and setting. This starts with how you sit down: preferably not face to face, but at a side angle and relatively close together. Much of the communication is non-verbal. If the conversation stalls, sometimes a short break, some fresh air or a drink can help.
Every now and then, parents wonder how much Kant employees learn in such a short time. On the one hand, they benefit from professional confidentiality, and on the other, they run little risk of becoming too close or repeating stressful patterns. «When people feel safe, they start to talk,» says Vesna Garstick.
Relaxed in the moment, persistent in the long term – this is how the ideal behaviour of parents could be described.
Her tip: Godparents, a neighbour or a family friend may find it easier to reach a withdrawn teenager. Experts emphasise that it is particularly important to maintain communication during turbulent times, even if this is especially difficult. For example, during puberty. «Timing is everything with young people,» says Vesna Garstick. If parents don't catch the right moment and the young people shut them out, it's better to try again another time.
Young people need us at certain times
Relaxed in the moment, persistent in the long term – this is how the ideal behaviour of parents could be described. Daniel Bindernagel and Marianne Kleiner also emphasise that the chances of a genuine conversation increase when the focus is not on problems, but on what young people enjoy doing. «A good question is one that I am happy to answer,» Bindernagel is convinced.
Vesna Garstick also has something else close to her heart: «Take your chances!» If young people seek conversation, you should definitely take the opportunity – even if it's inconvenient because you want to leave the house, the kitchen isn't tidy yet or you want to go to bed. «Then we have to pull ourselves together and mobilise our energy reserves,» says Garstick. Young people need us more than we think, but only at certain times. That makes these brief moments all the more important.
Any (more) questions?
- Daniel Bindernagel: I'm listening to you. Good conversations in everyday life. Carl-Auer Verlag 2023, 128 pages, approx. £28.
The author shows how we can improve our communication using simple methods and what role questions and listening play in this. With examples, suggestions and exercises. - Ralph Caspers: 99 harmless questions for surprising conversations between parents and children. Duden 2020, 208 pages, approx. £19.
The presenter of «Die Sendung mit der Maus» and father of three children presents unconventional questions – and encourages joint reflection with his own thoughts. - Ulrike Döpfner: The magic of good conversations. Communication with children that creates closeness. Julius Beltz 2019, 243 pages, approx. £19.
