Telling a highly sensitive story: «That's a handicap»

"For me, the diagnosis of high sensitivity was a liberation. I finally knew why I had so much trouble at school as a child. I found out through the assessment of my son. I noticed his behaviour as early as kindergarten and had him assessed for attention deficit disorder. It was a veritable odyssey, from paediatrician to school teacher, school psychologist and school psychiatrist. Only the social pedagogue found out that Noé is highly sensitive.

I have known about the diagnosis for six years, but I have not yet found a strategy that is really suitable for everyday life. I find everyday life with a highly sensitive child a real handicap. Not only does Noé need a lot of rest and sleep, he is also sick more often than other children, and he can't focus at all.

In everyday life, this means that I have to keep reminding him of everything and checking that he has done it. He can't do homework on his own, and he can't study for exams on his own either. I have to sit down with him, coach him and learn with him. It's as if I'm constantly putting myself completely in his shoes. It's not easy for my husband either, he often feels excluded by this intense relationship. It's also very exhausting for me, who needs a lot of rest anyway.

Noé is really struggling with the transition to upper school and the associated pressure to achieve good grades. He often has self-doubt and is very afraid of not being right, of not measuring up. We have therefore decided to send him to secondary school rather than grammar school. The only place where he doesn't feel any pressure to learn is on the football pitch. His team gives him the self-confidence he lacks at school."

Highly sensitive Mia (11) no longer wanted to go to school

Mia, 11, is particularly sensitive to noise. The high learning pressure in class also stresses out the primary school pupil.

"I can't stand it when people are loud. If someone is shouted at, it's really bad for me, even if I'm not the one being shouted at. It makes me cry and my ears hurt. At my previous school, it really stressed me out when a teacher spoke loudly or when lots of children were talking at cross-purposes and things were going wild. When the class was given a collective punishment, I suffered a lot and thought about it for a long time, even when I had to solve an assignment or write a test afterwards. The breaks at school are often too loud for me, so I withdraw to a quiet place if possible.

I've been going to a new school since the autumn holidays. I feel comfortable there again and learning is fun again. I almost couldn't cope with the pressure at my old school. I had at least one hour of regular homework every day, then I also had to read and prepare for exams.

Because I also wanted to do everything perfectly and please my class teacher, I had even more stress. Almost all of my colleagues felt the same way and I suffered with them.

At some point, everything was too much for me. I couldn't go back to sleep for fear of forgetting something; I couldn't relax because I wanted to do my homework so that I could still hang out with friends afterwards, and I cried almost every day. At some point, I didn't want to go to school anymore."

«Rituals in everyday life give my daughter security»

Annette Müller's daughter is highly sensitive, new and unfamiliar things frighten her. The nine-year-old has also refused to go to school.

"I find having a highly sensitive child a great challenge in everyday life, especially because I am not that highly sensitive myself. My daughter's high sensitivity manifests itself in many ways, which requires a lot of consideration from me and the rest of my family.

For me, the question is always: How do I find a good balance between her needs, respect for her personality and the organisation of everyday life and my expectations? I do my best to make it easier for my daughter to deal with her high sensitivity, but sometimes I simply lack practical, everyday tips.

When she is overstimulated and overstimulated, tears or tantrums occur again and again. At such times, I wish I had more composure and patience. Society doesn't make it any easier for highly sensitive people and their families. Some people simply think that I don't have my daughter under control or that she is just badly behaved, for example when she refuses to go to a doctor's appointment. She doesn't do it out of spite, but out of necessity, because she doesn't know what to expect. I now spend weeks preparing her for such appointments or changes of location.

To give her a sense of security, we have visualised a weekly schedule and created many rituals in everyday life, so she doesn't have to go to after-school care at lunchtime on my working day, but my mother comes to our home and cooks so that my daughter can rest. At school, the many teacher changes cause her so much grief that she no longer wants to go to school.

Transfers or new subjects scare her. She simply thinks about such things much earlier and much more intensively than other children."