Take yourself seriously!
We are all born with a high degree of personal authority. From the very beginning, we express our wishes, needs and also boundaries in our interactions with others as a matter of course - from the age of four months. It is only later that we learn to question ourselves and feel guilty for our wishes.
In order to develop personal authority, we need a minimum level of self-worth. I would therefore like to briefly define the term self-worth, which consists of two components:
- Wie gut kenne ich mich selbst? Mein inneres und äusseres Verhalten, meine Gefühle, Werte und persönlichen Grenzen? Diese Komponente entwickelt sich das ganze Leben lang. Das Tempo hängt davon ab, wie mein Umfeld mit mir interagiert.
- Wie stehe ich in moralischer und gefühlsmässiger Hinsicht zu mir, mit dem, was ich über mich selbst weiss?
This component depends entirely on how my parents and caregivers interact with me. Children cooperate with the full conviction that their parents love them and adopt the parental attitude towards them, regardless of whether this is characterised by recognition (the optimal prerequisite), praise and blame, moralisation, condemnation, physical or psychological violence.
«A mother who is available 24 hours a day
available and suffers as a result,
is not credible.»Jesper Juul
Healthy self-worth can be recognised by having a sober, nuanced and accepting relationship with yourself - both good and bad. It is in the history of upbringing that most people have spent over 30 years developing little self-worth and therefore little self-respect or ability to take themselves seriously. On this basis, it is difficult to gain the respect of others and to be taken seriously by others.
Women in particular still have difficulties taking themselves seriously
In earlier times, roles were an important form of compensation, and with them came the right to punish and humiliate other, less powerful people (both children and adults). This was a natural part of the patriarchal power structure. Their victims were primarily women and children, of course, who were seen but not heard. Women in particular still find it difficult to take themselves seriously - especially in romantic relationships. Although women have long since taken over power in many families and educational institutions.
After one of my talks, I was asked by a mum: «I have three children - a daughter aged four and two sons, aged six and nine. They are constantly vying for my attention and often argue about it. My husband travels a lot and I work part-time. I'm so exhausted that I don't know what to do. How can I get my children to stop arguing and finally give me some breathing space?» My answer to this was that she should start taking herself seriously, namely her personal needs and boundaries. She shook her head, while her friend nodded eagerly. «What would you suggest?» the mum asked me.
«My energy is mine, I use it the way I want»
I gave her the following answer: «When you get home today, it might be 11 pm. Wake up your children and tell them to please come into the living room. Then look your children in the eye and say: "My love is mine and I will give it to them as I wish. My attention is mine and I give it to them as I wish. My energy is mine and I use it as I wish. Good night and sleep well!»
The woman was shocked. She couldn't wake her children up in the middle of the night. What if they feel rejected? What if they hate me? And can I be so selfish? I fully realised that with my suggestion I was fighting against oppression, self-suppression and a false understanding of real motherly love that had been shaped over generations. So I could only offer her to think about my proposal.
Two weeks later, I received an email: "I knew your suggestion was right, but I had a lot of reservations. It therefore took me a whole week before I dared to do it. However, I didn't wake the children up. I called them together before the youngest child went to bed and said what you had suggested. At first the children were quiet, but then the eldest son came and gave me a long, tight hug. The two other children followed and we were all relieved and happy.
Finding what is really important to us
Since then, they have been much more considerate and even leave me alone for half an hour in the afternoon so that I can read, for example." She has subjected herself to an archetypal role that nobody enjoys. Now she has the freedom to find out more about herself and allow her children to do the same. Now she can show character. If she doesn't do this or forgets it again, her children will remind her with their behaviour.
Many of us experience these crises in relationships with our children, partners and parents. Or we feel burnt out at work before we have the courage to reconnect with ourselves and what is really important to us. When we succeed in doing this, our charisma changes and other people suddenly behave very differently towards us. Now the first floor of personal authority has been built, and we will experience everything else with less pain and fewer moral scruples.
We don't have to be perfect or particularly nice, just ourselves
I have observed and accompanied this process time and again with countless people who have seen themselves as victims of dominant children, demanding parents, offending colleagues or controlling mothers. Our own children are the first to challenge us and make us realise that we need to take ourselves seriously.
We don't have to be perfect or particularly nice to justify our existence - only ourselves. That's what our children and others try to tell us when we experience them as extremely impossible, totally annoying and extremely provocative. «We don't want you to pretend!» is what they mean: «We want you for real!»
No one should simply accept offence, not even from children or young people - but the idea that they will stop without us adults developing as human beings is an illusion. The time when we could base our leadership on power alone is over. It's the same with the power to punish or reward. Your child needs personal authority - possibly much more than you think you do. It is the best prevention in the world, but also a very important factor in your relationship when a crisis arises. It will also enrich your other relationships as it grows. It took me about 50 years to develop mine. Luckily not everyone is as stubborn as me!
Jesper Jaul's columns are written in collaboration with familylab.ch
To the author:
Jesper Juul is a family therapist and author of numerous international bestsellers on the subject of parenting and families. Born in Denmark in 1948, he went to sea after leaving school and later worked as a concrete labourer, dishwasher and bartender. After training as a teacher, he worked as a home educator and social worker and trained as a family therapist with Walter Kämpfer in the Netherlands and the USA. Juul has suffered from an inflammation of the spinal fluid since 2012 and is in a wheelchair.
Jesper Juul has an adult son from his first marriage and is divorced from his second marriage.