«Sometimes it's really hard to be a child»

Mr Dierssen, what problems do parents come to your practice with their child?

These are mainly school-related difficulties. The typical child who comes to me is eight years old and a boy. This is usually at the end of the second or beginning of the third grade. That's when the demands at school start to increase.

Why boys in particular?

Of course, many girls also find it difficult to learn. In my experience, however, boys have greater problems with social adjustment. Especially in the area of inattention, it is often the case that we overlook girls far too easily. Boys seem to reach their emotional limits more quickly and rebel against the school system, which is perhaps not always a good fit.

So the parents get pressure from the school.

That's right. But the straw that breaks the camel's back is usually the learning situation at home. Then, when the child throws their homework against the wall and there are only arguments and conflicts, the parents seek help.

Many parents think their child could, if only it wanted to. It's usually the other way round.

How do you proceed then?

My basic attitude is: there is always a cause. Many parents come with the attitude that their child could, but doesn't want to. This is an obvious, but also incredibly infuriating thought that triggers helplessness. Parents often react to this with punitive or derogatory impulses: «You could achieve so much, you're just lazy!» But the context is usually different. Not: The child can, but doesn't want to - but: The child wants to, but can't.

How do you find out?

In diagnostics, we have algorithms that we use to test ourselves: Is the child overwhelmed? This could be due to cognitive overload, i.e. the child is not as intelligent as average. However, the reason for the difficulties can also be something else, starting with farsightedness, hearing problems, general memory difficulties, vocabulary difficulties and so on.

First of all, these are things that show up as variants of the norm in the healthy performance profile. However, specific learning disorders such as ADHD/ADS (concentration disorder), dyslexia (dyslexia) and dyscalculia (dyscalculia ) are also possible.

How many children in a class are affected by a learning disorder?

It is assumed that around 5 per cent of children in Germany have ADHD, 5 per cent have dyscalculia and 5 per cent have dyslexia. However, the total is not 15 per cent. There are also children who are doubly affected. The figures are probably similar in Switzerland.

Do the teachers recognise this?

There are many teachers who are very well trained and also have excellent test material at school. But if you have a child in the class who, in response to being overwhelmed, goes into refusal mode and rebelliously simply doesn't want to take part, it's difficult for this teacher too.

How can parents support or practise with their child at home?

It is very important to differentiate here: For a child who is at the lower end of the normal range and only needs a little support in maths or spelling, for example, practising at home can be effective. For a child with a full-blown learning disorder such as dyslexia, it is more likely to be counterproductive.

Why is that?

If I study with my child every day and they keep making the same mistakes, it's incredibly stressful for both sides. I deprive the child of the opportunity to do something that makes them feel good during this time. This practice doesn't make them better, it makes them more frustrated. The actual dyslexia training has a different approach, uses different methods than at school and therefore also at home.

In the case of dyslexia, parental practice is not a protective factor, but parental emotional care and confidence are; the belief that the child will do its best and become a successful, happy adult.

In your work, you deal a lot with disturbed parent-child relationships. In your book «Kinder lieben, auch wenn's schwierig wird», you describe situations that are characterised by power struggles and rejection. Parents of children without a specific learning disorder may also be familiar with this in the school and learning environment.

That's my experience, yes. Conflicts about learning at home arise when parents have the feeling that things are not going well, but they can't do anything about it. The result is usually a feeling of helplessness. We all experienced helplessness as a child, but very few of today's generation of parents have learnt meaningful strategies for dealing with it.

We usually overcome helplessness through competence. However, if this does not solve the problem, we no longer know what to do. Very few of us adults experienced empathetic support in our own childhoods, enabling us to endure difficult situations, name them and take comfort in the fact that better times will come.

After all, it is not necessary for parents to shoulder and solve all problems themselves.

As a result, many parents find it difficult to cope with this helplessness.

They are therefore quick to resort to dysfunctional behaviour such as punishments, derogatory comments and so on. Sentences like «If I had done so little for school in the past, I certainly wouldn't have become anything» slip out when you are helpless. However, this makes you part of the problem, i.e. the conflict.

I can certainly understand if a father is worried because his 14-year-old daughter is hanging out on Tiktok all afternoon instead of studying for her upcoming English exam. He thinks to himself: something is going in the wrong direction, my child should be well educated.

And then there is an argument because digital media is far too tempting to put the device down because of the English words. How could the father deal with this situation better?

He could ask himself: What needs does my child have and which need is currently more important? Is it the need for autonomy, fun and ease, i.e. gaming or chatting - or is it the need for education and care? He also has to protect his child from Tiktok, which is one of the needs he has to fulfil. At the same time, the father has his own needs: for example, to resolve his helplessness, withdraw and relieve himself. It won't be possible to reconcile all of this without friction and losses. There will be a clash somewhere.

And then?

Then he should express his protest: «I don't feel comfortable with your behaviour, I'm in a difficult situation. I'm about to take the device away from you and come up with another solution, but I'm not sure if that's a good idea.» But the father doesn't have to be alone with his worries. It's not necessary for parents to shoulder and solve all the problems themselves.

As a parent, you can confide in your own parents, siblings, the child's teacher or even the sports coach: «I'm worried, please look after my child». If I feel like I have to solve the problem here and now on my own, I am less likely to treat my child appropriately. Instead, I will resort to behaviours that allow me to break through the helplessness for that moment.

Let's assume that the father has managed to express his concerns in a good way. But that still doesn't guarantee that the daughter will learn. As a parent, do I have to accept and put up with this at some point?

This brings us to the point where we should ask ourselves the question: Why is it so stressful for my child? Why doesn't it want to? What are the causes? Simply giving up without knowing whether there is a problem cannot be the solution. A 14-year-old who was doing well at school a year ago probably doesn't have dyslexia, but perhaps a depressive phase that she doesn't talk about. She may have stress, sleep problems, fear of the future or the feeling: «It's no use anyway.»

Parents should listen to their gut feeling and talk to their child: «I have the feeling you're not feeling well. I don't want to get into a trench war over the mobile phone. We can sort this out together here and now. If that doesn't work, we can get outside help. There's no way I'm going to leave you alone with this.» It's not about the grade, but about the reason why my child has changed.

I don't think much of letting the children fall flat on their faces.

Parents are often unsure about how far they should intervene in school matters; whether they should help with homework, study with the children for tests - or whether it is better to let them do it on their own.

In my opinion, this is a question of role perception: What is my role in this school context? Is that my job or not? You should first clarify this for yourself and discuss it with the teacher if necessary. If the school then gives you the task of practising multiplication tables or reading at home with the second-grader, for example, I would also communicate this to the child: «It's my job as a parent to practise this with you.» I don't think much of letting children «fall flat on their faces». The responsibility for their school career lies with the parents for a long time, you can't just shake it off.

Suppose the teacher asks me to practise reading regularly at home with my eight-year-old son. But he tells me every time: «I don't feel like it!»

Then I would say to him: «Oh, now I'm in a difficult situation, I can't fulfil my task and I can't get it out of my head now. Then I always get so annoying, I don't like that myself.» If it is clear to you that practising with your child is your job and that you are violating your child's needs if you don't do this, I would put up with it and keep at it.

It may be that your child has two different needs at these moments: the need for help and the need for autonomy. And the need for autonomy is only a nose's length stronger and is therefore fulfilled to the maximum, while the other falls completely by the wayside. However, it is important that you stay true to yourself and your feelings. So «I want to practise with you, that's important to me» instead of «You have to now!».

Pandemic, war in Europe, climate crisis: crises have been on the rise for several years now, and with them many parents' concerns about their children's future. Which increases the pressure even more.

That is absolutely understandable. I therefore think it's easy to say that parents today worry too much about their children . That's not my experience. The worries of many parents are not unfounded. Nevertheless, I would like to emphasise once again that it is extremely important for children to know what image of the future their parents have. Let's say I have this image in my head: AI will make most of today's professions superfluous and therefore my child will have to be good at maths to be able to study computer science later on. Maybe that will actually happen. But this image of the future won't help me to react appropriately to my child in the here and now - the fear is more likely to make me irrational.

How do I deal with these fears?

It is important to access these powerful images, i.e. to become aware of them and put them in relation to reality and to calm the fear that arises from this. Even if times have changed: Intelligence usually prevails in healthy children. If there are certain learning difficulties, it is important to identify these and adapt the learning conditions. It is very important to keep these positive images of the future in mind. Firstly, for my own behaviour towards the child and because this is how I signal to them: I believe in you and in your future.

I firmly believe that children whose parents enjoy learning and trying out new things will do the same themselves.

What do the children want?

Trust and confidence: «My parents firmly believe that I will make it. And if things don't go so well, they don't feel under pressure.» Recognising the many struggles that children have is often the key. It's important that someone finally sees and recognises how difficult it can sometimes be to be a child or teenager. This is important so that the children can find a way to express the fact that they have exhausted themselves, are overwhelmed and tired.

Parents generally want the best for their child and for many this includes the best possible school education. What does it do to a child if he or she absolutely has to go to grammar school even though they don't belong there because of their performance profile?

A lot. In our practice, we see children who work their way through grammar school for their parents or friends. These are children who know nothing about school other than trying to keep up. Changing schools shames the children. Parents have a responsibility here. We then say to them: «To keep your child healthy, we need to make sure that they have enough time for hobbies, arts and crafts, painting and also for doing nothing, for everything that your child would like to do.»

How do I know when it's really about my child and when it's about me and my worries about the future?

If parents realise that many conflicts arise because they are acting out of feelings of guilt or fear, they should honestly admit this to themselves. There is a difference between sitting at my office job in fear and thinking: times are getting tougher and tougher, my child has to learn piano, chess and programming and go to grammar school if possible. Or whether I myself set an example that learning, development and growth are part of life.

So be a role model.

Yes, I firmly believe that children whose parents enjoy learning and trying out new things will do the same themselves. But of course it has to be something that suits you. Just booking piano lessons so that the child can copy you doesn't work. And if I start tinkering with my child's homework out of necessity, I have to be able to realise that: Hang on, this is about my anxiety issue and I'm trying to sort it out this afternoon with my child's French words.

What if the fear and uncertainty lies with the child? Does it keep saying «I can't do this»?

Then I would say to my child: «It's hard too and luckily we still have enough time today to look at it in peace or do things you're good at: Skateboarding, climbing, playing football.» It's important to protect children from this overload and burnout. And your own confidence helps here too.