«Siblings? Not as important as parents think!»
Mr Frick, how important are siblings in shaping a child?
Siblings are the first training ground for a child. By rubbing shoulders with their brother or sister, children practise important skills. Even a sibling with a very large age gap or one who is often away can be a role model.
Does this mean that children who grow up as an only child lack this important training ground?
A child does not need a sibling to thrive. Having a brother or sister has advantages, of course, but often also disadvantages. An only child is simply a variant.
However, many parents now have a guilty conscience if their child remains an only child for whatever reason.
This feeling of guilt is probably fuelled more by wishful thinking or the image that parents paint of a family. It can be safely forgotten. Only children have neither more advantages nor more disadvantages than siblings. It is much more important for a child to have the conditions in which it can thrive than to have a sibling.
What does a child need?
It needs a reliable attachment figure who has time for the child and does not overchallenge or underchallenge it. Educationalists would put it like this: Practise an authoritative leadership style.
Recognising the child for what it is and giving it what it needs is not always easy, depending on the situation.
Of course it is. Recognising a child's newly developing behaviour is a challenge. It is important to be fair.
Dossier: Siblings
A good keyword. It's not always easy to be fair, especially when you have several children.
It is a myth that every child can be treated exactly the same. Ultimately, this is the most unfair attitude of all!
However, parents endeavour to be fair.
Children don't want or need the same things. A three-year-old child wants to be treated differently to a twelve-year-old. Treating children fairly is not the same as treating them equally. Every child has their own needs that must be met. Parents should ask themselves: What does my child need and not: What do I want to give him?
Is deliberately favouring a child fatal?
There is a very wide spectrum. There are small cases of favouritism, such as one sibling being scolded more quickly than the other when they have done something wrong. It may be that both children just react differently. One admits his mistake charmingly, the other denies it.
What would be a crude form?
Discriminating against the child because of their gender, for example. That boys don't have to help around the house, only girls do, for example. Or that a girl is not allowed to become a doctor, but her brother has to, even though the girl is much better at school. Girls are still thought to be more capable of empathy than boys. It is important to be open to the child and simply see what happens.
Parents often have a favourite child. This causes feelings of guilt.
But it's a positive thing when you realise that! It's much more problematic if you don't realise or deny it.
Isn't it normal that one child is sometimes closer to you than the other?
That often happens. Instead of feeling guilty about it, it's better to talk to your partner or other people. You can also ask yourself what such feelings towards the child have to do with yourself.
What do you mean?
Why do I like one child more than the other? Why does one behaviour trigger sympathy and another behaviour antipathy? Why do I get so upset about it? This often has to do with my own history. In such situations, it would therefore be advisable to look at your own biography and unprocessed experiences. To illustrate this with an example: Perhaps my opportunistic daughter upsets me because I wished I was a red Zora, precisely because I wasn't allowed to be a red Zora myself.
How should jealousy between siblings be judged?
It's human and part of life. Jealousy only poses a problem if it exceeds a normal level and impairs the child's development, for example if there is psychological or physical violence or threats.
Jealousy attacks are often associated with physical violence, especially in younger children. As a mother, it's not exactly easy not to intervene.
The problem is that you quickly become the judge. Not to forget: The defendant has certainly also played a role in the dispute. It makes sense to take on the role of a mediator instead of a judge. This includes asking the question: What do you need now so that you can understand each other again?
It is often not possible without intervention.
Of course, if, for example, one child swears at another or if a fight breaks out. Then you should separate the children so that they can cool down. And be clear, friendly and firm without taking sides.
What should you do if siblings don't get on at all?
There are no siblings who simply don't get along. In this case, you should not be afraid to seek counselling or get advice from a specialist. Parents always do as well as they can. Instead of burdening themselves with feelings of guilt, it's better to get help.
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